Page 45 of Thorns That Bloom
If what he says is true, and there isn’t an iota of me that feels like he’s lying, it’s pretty incredible.
“So when I look at my dads, and compare it to whatever the hell I’m feeling… Well, maybe everything’s possible. M-maybe fated mates isn’t just something religious kooks buy into. Maybe it’s true that some alphas and omegas are naturally, cosmically, spiritually…meant to be together. Made for each other. Whatever that means. Whatever you want to believe is behind it. I know what I’m feeling might seem absurd, but it’sreal.”
I stare at him as he holds his finger and points at the left side of his chest, to his heart, with conviction, at least until the towel around his other hand starts to unwrap, and he needs to grab it again.
The old me would’ve laughed at him. The old Sam shot down alpha friends with benefits who would start catchingfeelings and talking about having something special.
Why am I disarmed by this naive kid’s silly fairytale?
Is it just because he speaks with such genuine conviction? With this surging determination in his smooth, velvety voice?
Almost like my flustered silence is a sign to him, Theo continues. “Have you tried researching it? Not just reading the basics about fated mates or the weird, dogmatic ramblings from the DDS, but actual experiences of actual people? I went online, and I found so many forums. Dozens of people talking about this thing, this exact feeling. They all described this irrational, intense sense of belonging. This senseless need to please and care for a person they’ve never even met before and—”
As his excitement rises and his words come out faster and faster, so do Theo’s pheromones. The scent grows stronger, more present, until it seeps underneath my skin and threatens to affect me in a way I don’t like.
He must notice, or at least the way I freeze up and hold my breath. Quickly, he rolls the window down, letting in the cold air from the outside.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry.”
I breathe slowly, and dart my eyes across the city around us, noting and counting five distinct things I can see.
A tree. The fancy bank building. A flickering lamp. The passing white van. Red traffic light.
With a controlled exhale, I feel myself settling again. “I’m fine,” I say preemptively, and partially, it’s the truth. My mind is clearer, and it no longer tries to tell me Theo and his alpha pheromones are dangerous. Because that’s not true.
I might be fine right now, in this situation with Theo, butotherwise, in general, I am not. And I still don’t know if I’ll ever be.
That might be what holds me back the most.
“I wish we had known each other before my life became a mess,” I say bitterly. “A year or so back, I probably would’ve laughed at your idea, but there would have been a slim chance. Now… Now it’s too late, Theo. It’s not the right time for me. For this. To entertain it, or for me to even be able to believe it. You understand?”
Please, understand…
“I meant what I said back at the restaurant. You’re not…you’re not broken. Or damaged. Not to me. No matter what.”
“How wouldyouknow?” I snap at him. I realize how childish and cruel I just sounded straight away, and look away with a frustrated snicker. “Just… Please don’t make me worry about you walking around pining for me and this…ridiculous fantasy. Like I already told you, I don’t hate you. I don’t dislike you. But you living your life believing this can only ever make me upset. If you want to please me, give yourself more time. See if it…fizzles out. Do that for me. Go out and date other people, people your age, and try to forget about what might as well be some momentary infatuation or some hormonal or…I don’t know.” I puff out a tense exhale. “Can you do that?”
I hold my breath, hoping for him to agree.
Even as discomfort and unhappiness flash over his face, Theo nods. He lowers his eyes, and his brow twitches before he glances up at me again. “I’ll…consider it. If that’s what you want. I promise.”
His promise should mean nothing to me. And yet I believe him.
“Thank you.”
A bit of that weight lifts off my shoulders. The knowledge of him walking around with this horrible idea that he has to fight for somebody like me because of some unspecified, magical feeling seems unfair. Cruel, almost.
A cruel joke.
He needs to find someone normal. Someone better. Someone willing and ready to open their heart to him. Someone who carries only good things inside them.
Just in time, we arrive at the hospital. My stomach is in knots, and I don’t know how much more of my overthinking I could take, anyway. I stop outside the emergency department entrance, and before I can get even a word out, Theo opens the door and unfolds himself from the passenger seat.
“Thank you for taking me.” He holds up his injured hand. “I hope I didn’t get blood anywhere. If I did, I’ll pay for the cleaning. I can handle it alone from here. Get home safe,” he says softly, a genuine, warm smile flashing across his lips before he turns away to get out, the corners of his mouth falling at the last moment.
He disappears from my sight, and now there’s a different kind of heaviness weighing on me. One sitting deep in the pit of my stomach. I swallow, trying to ignore it.
“Good luck,” I mutter to myself, knowing damn well he’s too far to hear.
