Page 54 of Thorns That Bloom
I’m nearly done with my meal, and I could probably do with ten more portions.
I’ve eaten too fast again. Can’t wait for the horrible heartburn.
For a few glorious minutes, we eat in silence. Just existing, breathing in the fresh air. People pass by in the hall but hardly pay us attention. Theo’s shoulder, while not touching me directly, radiates heat against mine, and it’s…comforting.
With a loud exhale, I lean back once I’m done and hold my belly. There’s already the slightest burn itching at the bottom of my stomach, but I don’t even care. It was delicious. I’ll gladly bear the consequences of gobbling up the heavenly risotto.
I turn to Theo. He’s finishing up the last few bites much slower than I did, like a normal person would. As if the food-induced delirium has worn off, my mind starts wandering in the wrong direction again. Toward doubts and unpleasant questions.
What am I even doing here?
What am I doing herewith him?
“What is it?” he asks. I didn’t even realize I’d zoned out staring at him. I blink and notice his careful gaze that’s fixed on me. The wind sends his pheromones my way, and they’retender, too.
I open my mouth, ready to push him away again, tell him it’s nothing, maybe even put the container down and go away so that I can brew in my negative emotions alone, but my phone starts vibrating in my pocket.
We both look toward it. I’m grateful for the distraction, at least until my face unlocks the screen and I see the notification on top.
‘Leave for a prenatal appointment,’ the alert says.
I blink in bewilderment at first, my mind fraying, before it hits me. “Shit. Shit!” I stand sharply, my cheeks prickling. “Fuck.”
“What’s going on?” Theo asks, nearly dropping his food.
How the hell could I forget? Goddamn stupid pregnancy brain!
At my last appointment, I didn’t arrange the follow-up because their system was down. The doctor said she wanted to see me twice a month now that I’m getting closer to the finishing line, so I set this date last minute, in a hurry. If I hadn’t put it in my phone, I would’ve missed it point blank.
“I…I have an appointment I completely forgot about,” I mumble, pacing across the balcony while rubbing my hand over my face. It’s not like it’s a big deal, but…it is a big deal.
I haven’t mentally prepared for this. Especially on a day like today, when I feel like any touch or slightest inconvenience might unravel me into a panicked mess.
Did I ask my supervisor for a longer lunch to go, or did I forget to do that, too? I can’t freaking remember!
“Hey, hey, hey,” Theo says to get my attention, voice firm but soft. I blink and look up, realizing he’s standing in front of me. His hands are stuck in the middle of the motion of reaching for my shoulders, which he…doesn’t. I swallow and step back, nodding with a slow inhale.
He’s right. I've gotta calm down.
“Are you late for it?”
“No,” I mutter, shaking my head. “No, it’s not that, I just—”
“What appointment is it?”
I close my eyes, taking another deep breath. “My thirty-week scan.”
It’s absurd. These feelings of fear and panic roaring through me. I need to be an adult. This is no different from the other appointments. So why am I trembling? Why are those horrible emotions from the morning returning? The choking,tingling sensation. The echoes of violent touches and pain. Breathless terror, cold and—
“Everything is okay, Sam.” The way Theo’s voice deepens resonates through me. Almost like I’m in a trance, I look at him again. He pulls me away from those spiraling thoughts and toward the light. He’s smiling. Not pityingly like before, but kindly. “Memory problems are normal in the third trimester. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
I gulp and nod, slowly coming around to believing Theo instead of the voice in my head telling me I’m stupid and useless.
“Did you tell the office you need to leave for the appointment?”
“I…I don’t think so. I forgot, I think.”
What kind of parent am I? The baby isn’t even here yet, and I’m already screwing up.
