Page 47 of Thorns That Bloom
I don’t even have his damn phone number.
Which might be for the best, considering the desperate thoughts that come to me sometimes. Just the idea of not being able to work for weeks and not having any way of contacting him is driving me insane.
Rolling onto my side with frustration bubbling inside my stomach, I hold my phone in front of my face, lazily scrolling through my contacts.
He wants me to try dating someone else. I hate the idea, but if it’s what he wants, maybe it will please him if I do. Is it just so he feels safe? Am I coming off too strong? Or is it that he doesn’t want to date meright now?
He said he didn’t dislike me.
I fully realize I sound like a completely desperate, dependent mess. And yet somehow, my alpha pride, or just my plain ego, doesn’t react.Pleasing Sam is all that matters,they scream, pounding that message into my head with each beat of my heart.
There’s this woman in accounting who's always liked me. She was at Mickey’s retirement party and kept throwing eyes at me. I have her number. Don’t remember how I got it, but I assume she inconspicuously saved it in there at some point. I was helping her with some boxes full of files that one time…
Tapping my finger against the edge of my phone, I stare at the name.
I don’t want to. I don’t even want to try.
Being in the mere presence of another omega feels pointless. Especially if I could spend that time doing something more productive. Sam might not be mine, but…I am his.
I close my eyes and put the phone down. I relax into the soft backrest of the couch and attempt to settle my mind. The wound aches again, but not as much as my stupid, foolish heart.
With a forceful determination, I get up.Time to do something productive.
I go to my room, where a stack of books awaits me on the nightstand. They’re the batch I ordered most recently, and they finally turned up at my door yesterday. ‘Male Omega’s Pregnancy Made Easy’, ‘All You Should Know When Expecting: For Omegas’ and ‘The Omega Midwife’s Guide to Pregnancy, Birth and Beyond’ are the main ones I’ve been excited about. I researched stuff online, but I figured that having official, properly published information might be the best.
I’ve never particularly enjoyed reading, but I can’t wait to learn everything there is.
Putting those three books to the side, I look at the ones that send prickling goosebumps across my skin. ‘To Survive & To Understand: A Guide to Relationships and Healing after Sexual Abuse’ and ‘Allies in Healing: Pheromones, Love and Sexual Abuse’.
Under those two books is another. The one I stole from Gail’s bedroom the last time I was at home. One of the fewbooks she left behind after moving out.
‘The Tragedy of Venuskind: An Uncomfortably Close Look at the History, Relations, and Societal Implications of Alpha and Omega Interactions’. I stare at the book with something heavy pressing against my chest. The bright red cover with white letters is as striking and uncomfortable as the topic itself. And as intense as Gail has been, and likely still is, about the topic. I should’ve listened to her more. Should’ve tried to understand her view on things before it was too late.
Now, only her books remain. If I weren’t the exact epitome of what she claimed I was, fighting to defend myself and proving her wrong, maybe our family would still be whole.
I lower my gaze and place the book back on the nightstand with a huff.
I’ll leave the thick tome that’ll probably explain to me all the ways I’m oppressing the omegas around me without even realizing it for tomorrow. I’m not sure I have the mental capacity for it today.
Not like I have anything but time.Stupid injury.
Well, stupid Theo.I was the one who got distracted and hurt.
Struggling not to let thinking about Gail and my inherent faults as an alpha completely derail my mood, I sit down and pick up one of the pregnancy books. Even if Sam keeps me at arm’s length, I should know everything I can about what he’s going through.
I should get some baby books as well, for when the kid is born.
I shake my head, grunting in frustration.You’re skipping way ahead. Need to slow down.
Still…every time I imagine him with a tiny babe in his arms, it feels like I’m going to melt. I want him happy, always smiling, and I want to be the one making sure that happens. The one taking care of him. The one he comes to for comfort and safety.
“Crap,” I mutter once that thrilling, pleasant feeling travels down my body, affecting more than just my heart. “No, no, no. Focus!”
I open the book in my lap, determined to give it all my attention. This isn’t about me and my pleasure anymore. It’s about growing and learning and getting better—forhim.
?
Three weeks into isolating myself in the house and having no one but Martin or occasionally my parents as company, I go for a checkup, where I all but beg to be allowed to return to work. Thankfully, being an alpha means my body heals pretty efficiently, so the doctor agrees to write me a note allowing me to go back, as long as I avoid some specific machines and movements.
