Page 34 of Thorns That Bloom
I decide I will start bringing my own food and avoid going to the cafeteria unless I absolutely have to.
All in an effort not to disturb them again.
In our next session, I bring it up with Dr. Stewart. I don’t know if it’s stupid to talk about this instead of the more important topics, but she jumps on it right away and starts asking her usual questions.
“Did his behavior make you feel like Theoisbeing obsessive?” she asks in that soft tone that beckons answers.
“We’ve barely spoken to each other three times. Which iswhy it’s so…alarmingthat he…feels the way he does. If…it’s true.”
“Which you can’t be quite sure, considering you didn’t hear it from him, right?”
I nod.
“How did you feel about him before you were told?”
“Fine, I suppose. I— It’s stupid,” I say, shaking my head with an exasperated sigh. She raises her brows questioningly, so I expand on it. “I was kind of flattered, I guess. He was nice, and that’s a pretty low bar, but…I know I shouldn’t even be thinking about dating or anyone but myself and the baby right now.”
“It’s not stupid to feel something natural. Human. Wanting others to find us desirable, wanting companionship, or support. There’s nothing wrong with that. Sometimes, healing can comewiththe help of a relationship. It isn’t easy to heal issues relating to feelings of being intimate with another person…alone. Of course, a safe partner is necessary for this, but gaining that trust with people is hard. Would I advise you to get into a relationship at this stage? Hard to say.” Her voice grows more cautious. “It wholly depends on how you feel about it, Sam. The reasons behind wanting to be with someone can range from simply enjoying their company and closeness, to using them as a coping mechanism and a way to avoid dealing with the root of the problem.”
I don’t think I feel that way.
No. I don’t want to get into a relationship, because… “It wouldn’t be fair to him.”
She tilts her head slightly. “What do you mean by that?”
Most of the time, my answers come out easily. Angel has this magical way about her that makes me want to open myselfup to an unnatural degree. I don’t know if it’s her soft, non-judgmental voice, or the way she looks at me like I could say the most unhinged nonsense imaginable and she wouldn’t even blink.
Right now, though, answering feels like she’s trying to pull out a tangled branch covered in thorns from my chest. I keep picking at the skin around my thumb, something I used to do when I was little.
“He-he’s a young, good-looking guy. He’ll lose interest, anyway. And I don’t want him to…”
The words dissolve on my tongue, scattering back into the chaotic mess of my mind.
There’s this thick, black tar covering what is the metaphorical entrance to my heart. Not because I see myself as dirty or tainted after what they did, but Iam…broken. There’s no ignoring that fact. Even if someone were to overlook what they did to me, that tar remains.
Sure, it won’t be there forever. Itwillfade—like my bruises faded, and like the worst of the mental and physical pain did. I know that. But it’s something the first person to come after will inevitably have to step into, no matter what. The first person to touch me afterthem. The first person to kiss me, to make me comfortable enough to be naked or sexual or close. They’ll be tainted by it. By me.
Deep down, I know I’ll be able to experience all of that again and enjoy it, but that first person will be the one to bear the brunt of all the goddamn baggage and pain and disappointment. They’ll have to deal with the worst of my flashbacks, my emotional outbursts, my inner confusion, and more likely than not, that relationship won’t survive.
I don’t want Theo to be that person.
I don’t know why I feel this way—I don’t even know him, goddammit—but it wouldn’t be fair to him. That’s what keeps playing in my head, over and over again.
“Don’t want him to hurt my feelings when he does,” I finally finish the sentence, swallowing up the truth. “So I’d better just stay away.”
Dr. Stewart studies me pensively. I wonder if she can detect that I’m guarding my real thoughts. I don’t think she can, but the way she looks makes me uneasy. Like when lying to a parent or a teacher and knowing they see through it…
When she shifts and writes something in her notepad, I relax a little. “If that is what you feel is best for you at this moment, keep your distance.Withoutfeeling guilty. You do not owe him anything, no matter his feelings. You should always choose yourself first, Sam.”
Maybe if the timing were different. Maybe then, if there weren’t the doubt and guilt weighing on me, it would be worth a try.
“Yeah. I should…choose myself.”
It’s better that way. Even if it doesn’t feel like it.
Chapter 11
Theo
