Page 25 of Thorns That Bloom
“I didn’t move many things, I don’t think,” I say quietly as I tap my finger on the armrest of the office chair. Yvana doesn’t turn to me, just keeps going through the third drawer from the bottom, reaching all the way to the back, desperately looking forsomething.
She glances at me for a split second, with this weird fleeting expression like…I don’t know, like she expects me to say something, or do something, but when I don’t, she turns again. I guess most people would engage in small talk right now. Ask about her day or discuss the weather, like it matters or like they care… I never was one for that. Probably why I never had that many friends.
If Kristoff were here, he would definitely start mumbling about something. He’s good at coming up with random crap to chat about. Mindless, awkward, silly topics no one can getoffended about.
He’s nice enough. Nothing wrong with him, but sometimes he won’t shut up.
When Yvana inches toward the top drawer, a rattle goes through me. I realize that Theo’s note, the one I should’ve crumpled and thrown into the trash, is right there, and for some reason, my stomach turns at the idea of her finding it.
Like it’s…what? Some kind of dirty secret?
It’s nothing. It means nothing.
“Ah,” she rejoices when she grabs something at the very back of the second drawer from the top. I barely hold in a sigh of relief when she pulls away, victoriously raising the little tattered notebook in her hand. “There it is. Thanks,” she says, flashing me a smile. She then stands up with a grunt.
That’s it? A little notebook?God, she could’ve just said.
“You’re welcome,” I say drily.
Glancing at me over her shoulder, Yvana nods and heads for the door. At least she decided that if I’m not trying to be friendly, neither will she. I prefer that much more than the other way around. The door closes behind her, sending a wave of fresh air into the room before it clicks shut.
Exhaling deeply, I lean over the table. “What the hell was that?” I ask myself out loud, looking down at the slightly open drawer. Lazily, I pull it out, and study the bright pink sticky note lying on top.
A faint, tingly sensation passes over me as I remember him from the cafeteria. His lively, wide smile and those attentive eyes that seemed to follow my every move.
The intense sort of attention I probably wouldn’t have mindedbefore.
But now…things are different. That realization puts a bitter taste in my mouth.
I stare blankly at the ground beneath my feet. When I went to the first therapist after the assault, she would always say that healing isn’t linear, but it feels like instead of finding my way down a winding street back to the person I was, I’m on a completely separate track. I can see the old path beside me, and it calls out to me, all the while I’m painfully aware that it’s one I can no longer reach.
I am righthere, away from it, and the scariest thing is that I have no idea where the one I am on presently leads. Does it go to the same destination? Will I really get back to the Sam I used to be, or will it diverge somewhere ahead and take me far away?
That thought scares me.
Even worse is the idea that I will forget the old Sam. That, like the faces and memories from my childhood, he will fade.
When I realized Theo was trying to flirt with me, it was like I was back on that original road for a moment. Before the uncertainty and fear came in, I was the old Sam—without baggage and trauma—who had a handsome, interested man in front of him and wanted to bask in that attention.
If only.
I know that sort of stuff is not for me anymore. After all, I’m about to be a parent. That should be my focus. That and fixing myself up. Whether I like it or not, no matter how much it hurts, I can’t be chasing after that past me, because I can never get him back…
Resting my head against my hand, I slide down in the chair. I close the drawer, getting the faintest whiff of that coconut smell as I do.
Chapter 8
Theo
A couple of guys and I stand around the vending machine by the back door of the manufacturing hall, enjoying our ten-minute break. Most use the opportunity to go outside for a smoke, including Ben. I usually just hang out. Now, I’ve got my phone in my face, focused on reading, like I’ve been doing what feels like every free moment of every day.
After a little while, I hear steps and then sense Ben lean over me, blowing the smoke remnants of the cigarette he just finished outside in my face. Coughing, I flash him an annoyed glare. He smirks, his eyes instantly studying my screen.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, this again?” he groans, rolling them into the back of his head.
I half-heartedly push him away. “Leave me alone, man.”
Ben snorts, shaking his head at me. I don’t like the way he brings everyone else’s attention to us. Furthermore, I don’t like his endless mocking, especially when it’s about something that’s important to me. Sometimes, he acts like he’s the younger one, not the other way around.
