Page 104 of Thorns That Bloom
She nods. “Very well. You say you are comfortable, yes? Wonderful. I’m going to leave you for now. We will work out the details of the birth later. I’ll come back or have a nurse discuss with you the exact timeline.”
The moment Dr. Denver leaves the room, I let out a shaky exhale and bury my face in Sam’s hair, nuzzling it before he pulls away. “What was that about staying calm for me that you talked about in the class, hm?” he teases me.
“I was terrified I did something wrong! That I hurt you. Either of you…”
“All you did was make me feel good. Come on, bring thechair and sit down.”
The room might be small, but it’s private. One bonus of working at the company we do is pretty good healthcare. I pull the big blue chair in and lean on Sam’s bed again. He’s absolutely gorgeous, even in a hospital gown. White suits him. All that matters is that the fear is gone from his face. He looks almost content.
After a quick glance to make sure he’s fine with it, I reach out to rub his belly gently. There are two straps over it, some sort of monitor for the baby. I place my hand on top and hold it there, waiting until there’s a smooth movement.
“I’m so happy you’re both safe.”
Sam smiles, resting his head back. “Me too.”
“I don’t know what I would’ve done if…” A horrible sensation seizes my chest again, pushing the air out of my lungs. I try to shake it off, to remind myself it’s okay. When I look at Sam again, he has a strangely distant expression in his eyes.
“What is it?” I ask, squeezing his hand by his side. “Something’s bothering you?”
“It’s just…with the birth coming and— There’s something I’ve been thinking about. Something I haven’t been able to get out of the back of my mind ever sinceheturned up.”
“He can’t do anything anymore.”
“I-I know. It’s not that, it’s…” Pausing, Sam shifts his gaze to me again, and this time there’s almost too much closeness. Too much emotion as he studies my face. “I know this is stupid. But I keep thinking about the moment I’ll be filling out the paperwork for her after she’s born”—he touches his belly—”and about the empty space under the ‘non-gestational parent’ field.”
I open my mouth to object. Sam interrupts, determined. “No, I know. Iknowthat I don’t have to fill it. I know it’s okay for me not to put anyone’s name in there. I just… This has nothing to do with Brandon or what happened. Well, maybe a little, but I think it bothered me even before he showed up. It feels like…if I leave it empty, I’m somehow allowing this hypothetical space for them in her life.”
Put my name in there.
It should be there.
I swallow the burning urge to voice those frenzied thoughts. I have no right. No claim. All I want is to protect him, protect both of them, and be there, and I don’t know what to say without sounding completely insane.
Sam closes his glistening eyes. Is he crying?
I reach out to cup his cheek. “Hey, it’s okay.”
“It’s not. I can’t ask you to write your name there, no matter how much I want to. No matter how right it feels, when it shouldn’t.”
My heart skips a beat. “What? You…you want to?”
He shakes his head and looks away, but I pull him back in, staring at him without blinking or breathing. My pulse drums inside my head. “I want that, Sam.”
He chuckles bitterly. “Of course you do,” he mutters. “What if I’m not the one being swayed by hormones here, Theo? You know people’s pheromones change when they’re pregnant, right? What if all this…what you’re feeling…is just that? What if this baby comes out and that changes? I know how much you want to be with me, and that you’d do anything for me, so asking you this felt like taking advantage of—”
I let go of his face and take both ofhis hands into mine, squeezing them tightly.
“I’m an adult. I’m sane, and I know what I’m feeling in my heart, Sam. This won’t happen. What you worry about is never going to happen.”
He’s fighting it. I see it on his face. Doubt and hope wrestle in his eyes, leaving behind distress that I just want to kiss away.
“It isn’t just some paper. It would make you responsible for child support. Give you rights you might not want. We both experience all these powerful emotions, but we barely know anything about each other. Don’t you think that’s irresponsible?”
“What do you want to know?” I understand it’s not that simple, not really. At the same time, it is that simple inside my heart. “I like pineapple on pizza. I’m kind of freaked out by spiders, but I hate killing them. I love playing the guitar, sure, but I’ve always wanted to learn the violin. My favorite animal is the fox—they’re cute, smart, and quirky, and the way they giggle maniacally is adorable. My whole life, I’ve always gone with the flow and lived in the moment. I never cared about having kids or the future, and now all I can think about is how to improve myself and my life and how to be the best person I can be. For you. For her. I’ve never been one to change my mind fecklessly, Sam.”
He stares at me without moving an inch, a tear gently rolling down his cheek.
I draw in air sharply to continue. “I know plenty about you, too. You’re left-handed. I know that because you do a lot of things with your dominant hand. You hold a knife and a fork the other way around, though, only the spoon in your left. You don’t really like people, but you never gossip. Not even aboutpeople who annoy you. You enjoy sour notes in food more than sweet ones. Yeah, I don’t know what school you went to, or why you decided to do the work you do, or…or a bunch of other stuff, but I want to learn, slowly. That doesn’t mean I love you any less.”
