Page 80 of Rivals
He goes back to his computer and pulls up our tickets.We’re doing this. We’re really doing this.He fills out all of our information, and I watch him pull out a credit card to type the info in. “I’ll get you the money tomorrow. I just have to stop at the bank.”
“No problem.” I watch him click the button and launch us forward. We don’t have to worry about lodging or transportation, but we will have to get our supplies. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal, but it makes me nervous.
“Alright, done.” I nod, and he grins. A bit of excitement and sadness swirl around in his eyes as he leans back on the couch with his hands clasped in his lap. “There’s no going back now, little bird. We’re going to see this through, to whatever end.” I shift on my feet. This is all a lot very fast. My heart feels like it can’t keep up.
He’s right. We’re in it, and there is no going back. Not that there was an option from the moment he cornered me in Professor T’s office. My throat feels so tight I feel like I’m choking, but I push the words out anyway. “Thank you for everything,” I rasp. I have no problem saying ‘thank you.’ It’s saying it to him that continues to catch me by surprise. He pushes his hand through his hair and peruses my body.
My fingers itch to touch that hair. I love the way it feels between my fingers. I like the way he relaxes when I massage his head. I like that I can make him feel something. It makes me feel wanted, and that’s a damn good feeling. “You don’t need to thank me, muse. We’re in this together.”
Lachlan tilts his head and pats the seat next to him. I sit down, and he wastes no time pulling me onto his lap. “I wish you would stop being so shy with me. I know we’re trying to figure all of this out, but I’ve seen you naked. We’ve done enough to warrant zero shyness from you.” He kisses my lips and pulls back to look me in the eye.
It’s not that I’m being shy, it’s because that wall is down now, and I don’t know how to operate without it. I don’t know what to say or not say. My walls didn’t just keep people out. They kept me safe, too. They kept me from doing things I might regret. But they also kept me from getting hurt. Maybe that’s the point of letting them down. I need to open myself up to the potential of getting hurt because it’s the only way I will know if Lachlan is going to stay true to his word. I’m tired of being left behind.
Chapter 49
Lachlan
Ishouldn’tbesurprisedhow easily Revna and I fell into living with each other. It’s like everything else we have done together. It always feels right and natural. She’s still out cold, her dark hair is all over the place, and some made its way onto my pillow. Her lips are parted, and her features are so soft I can’t look away. I haven’t gotten over feeling like a creep watching her sleep.
There have been some nights where she woke me up from crying in her sleep. The first time it happened, I didn’t know what was going on. I thought someone got into the apartment, but then I realized she was still asleep, just crying. I woke her up, and she wasn’t sure what was happening. I told her she was crying in her sleep, and then she burst into tears all over again.
I know she’s not dealing with any of it, and it’s coming out in other ways. I can’t blame her. I’m sort of the same way. I don’t deal with how my family essentially ex-communicated me. I make a point not to think about it. I know it results in anger, but I won’t do anything about it. What’s the point? It won’t change anything.
I held her until she fell asleep again. I couldn’t go back to sleep after that, and my heart hurt too much. After I knew she was out, I turned on my little lamp next to my easel and painted instead. I was careful to be extra quiet. I didn’t want to disturb her, but I had to get it out. I had to put that pain somewhere else.
When Revna woke up the next morning and found me passed out on the couch, she didn’t say anything. I saw her look at the painting. I expected a question, but she didn’t say anything. She seemed to understand something that I couldn’t put into words. Seeing her hurt like that, even in sleep, ripped me apart. There is absolutely nothing I can do but hold her through it.
She might not realize it, but she’s keeping me level and sane. She and this competition are one and the same in my mind, and I am determined to make it happen for her and us. She needs me to step up in this way, and I will do it. She doesn’t need to ask, she’s giving me a purpose. I want this, too.
“Do you work tomorrow morning?” I ask her while we sit on the couch. She shakes her head. I know she doesn’t think I’m aware that she’s high half the time when she comes home from work. She thinks I don’t see her slide a pill or two on her tongue. I see it all. Part of me wants to find them all and toss them, but I know she will dig her heels in more. It’s a losing battle, but I can’t deny I’m tired of seeing her like this. Her fire is so dimmed by the drugs. It only flickers at me every now and then. I know she’s making every attempt she can to cope, and it’s hard to be mad at her for it. We all avoid pain simply because it hurts. No one likes it, but sometimes we have to deal with the pain to come out on the other side. I wish Revna could decide to deal with the pain so she can get to the end of the tunnel. I’ll be there waiting with open arms. I can’t do it for her. If I could, I would have already.
As I sit next to her, I watch her out of the corner of my eye, sketching something on her pad. This is the first time I’ve seen her show an interest in creating anything for a while, which gives me a timid hope. The drugs have deadened that desire in her. That’s what they do, especially if you’ve taken it for as long as she has. They no longer serve as a way to open your mind. They become the cage themselves. At the time, my drugs may have been prescription, but it got to a point where my body was so full of it that the cage clicked shut. A part of me died with the turn of the lock. I couldn’t touch what I needed to grasp onto in order to paint, sculpt, or draw. It just…stopped.
It made me crazy. It broke me, and it’s exactly what my parents wanted. They wanted the analytical mind to take over, and it did. Until I said no more and went cold turkey, I paid the price, but I will never go back to that. No amount of sanity in this world is worth the pain of losing a part of yourself. I would rather die.
“What are you drawing, little bird?” She looks up at me, and the faraway look in her eyes has started to fade a little. She seems a little clearer than she has been for a while. Maybe she came up with an idea for Italy. “Well?”
She shrugs. “I don’t know.” She returns to her sketch and I scoot closer to see what it is. She quickly pushes it against her chest. “No, you can’t see.”
I grin at her and crook my eyebrow. “Are you drawing a naked picture of me, Revna? I think I deserve to see it, then.” Her cheeks turn pink, and she looks me in the eye, not shying away.
“No, and even if I were, I wouldn’t show you.”
“Then tell me what it is.” I move closer, and she curls up into herself, shaking her head.
“Fine, if I can guess, then I get to see. Deal?” I ask her, reaching for her feet to place them in my lap. I rub my thumb into the arch of her foot, and she groans a little. I’ve been rubbing her feet a lot lately. I’m sure they throb since she’s on them more than normal, with her picking up extra shifts.
“Fine,” she says, going back to her sketch.
“So, it’s not a tasteful naked drawing of me, which is mildly disappointing.” She rolls her eyes. “Is it you?” She shakes her head again. Her eyebrows furrow while she holds her head closer to the paper as she sketches slowly as if she’s adding a small detail. “Is it architecture?”
“Nope. You have one more guess. This is getting annoying.” I dig my thumb into her foot harder than necessary. She squeaks, and then I rub it out.
“Don’t be mean. You won’t show me, and now I have to know.”
“You’re never going to guess,” she says.
“It’s me,” I say, confident. Her cheeks turned so pink when I asked her if I was naked, but it wasn’t confirmation that itwasn’tme. It was just confirmation that it wasn’t me naked.
