Page 152 of Rivals
I glance at Lachlan. His stride is slow so that I can keep up with him, and I love that he does that for me. I’ve never asked him, and he never offered. He just did it, like he does a lot of things. We are a team in more than just being artists. He’s become my teammate in life. I tried doing this by myself, and it didn’t work. So I thought maybe if he came with me, he could be my human reminder that the price I’d have to pay is too high.
Lachlan holds the door open, and I go straight for the NA room. He doesn’t say a word as we walk in, and a few eyes seem surprised to see me. I haven’t been for a couple of weeks. I grab my chair, unfold it, and plop down. Lachlan does the same, resting his hand on my thigh, steadying me. I’m going to share tonight. I’m scared to do it, but I’ve been doing a lot of things afraid lately. I think it’s time for me to open up to others. It’s not fair to put everything on one person because the fact is, he has his own things to carry. We each have our burdens to bear.
Chris walks in and spots me. His smile grows when he sees Lachlan. Lachlan nods to him in response. They don’t exchange words, but they seem to exchange something. I look over at him, and he shrugs.
“Alrighty, everyone. Let’s get started,” he says, reiterating the rules and reminders.
Connor speaks up and introduces himself again. “I messed up. I broke my six-month sobriety. I was doing so well, but it got tough again, and I couldn’t deal. But I’m here, and I flushed it. I’m starting over, and that’s all I can do. I’m trying not to be mad at myself, though. That’s proving to be more difficult than I thought. So, yeah,” he says. Everyone nods in agreement. We have all certainly been in the same position.
“Thank you for sharing, Connor. Sometimes, that’s all we can do, is try again.” Connor nods, and Chris looks around the room, making eye contact with all of us who will look back. Lachlan’s hand still rests on my thigh. I put my hand on his, hoping it will give me the courage to do this.
“Uh, hi. My name is Revna, and I’m an addict.” Everyone parrots ‘hello’ back. “So, I did OBA. I was on and off it for years, and as I finished my senior year of college, I started taking more and more. It got to the point where I felt like I couldn’t go a day without that feeling. So uh, my boyfriend…” I pause and look at Lachlan. He nods encouragingly. I ignore the rock in the back of my throat and continue speaking. “He wanted me to stop. He knew it was bad for me and was affecting me in many ways I wasn’t prepared to handle…I’m not going to go into all the details, but I got some news, and it wrecked me, body and soul. It shook my entire world off its foundation, and I panicked. Fast forward to last week, I attempted suicide.” I pause again because the words are getting harder and harder to say. Everyone sat up at that. They always do. It’s as if someone who does something like that to themselves is suddenly an eggshell. One wrong move, you’ll crack and keel over. Maybe they do, but that’s not me.
“I did cocaine that day. I needed something stronger. And well, yeah…I obviously survived, but I’m sober now. Almost seven days, and I think I’m really proud of myself.” Everyone nods and says ‘good job’ under their breath, which is the NA equivalent of a hug and a pat on the back.
“Thank you for sharing, Revna. Welcome back. And welcome Lachlan,” Chris says. I smile, and Lachlan does, too. His hand kneads my thigh, and I know he’s telling me good job. It feels good to get that off my chest, and I’m proud of myself.
When our time runs out, everyone picks up. I stand to the side to wait for Chris to finish his conversation with Connor. Connor waves to us and walks out the door. “Uh, Chris, I would like to talk to you for a minute, if you don’t mind.”
“Of course, Revna, give me a minute. I’ll meet you in the sanctuary.” I look at him funny. I don’t know what that is. He chuckles. “Where all the uncomfortable wooden pews are.”
“Oh, ok.” Lachlan and I leave the room hand in hand, and we find a place to sit.
“I have to say, I love this place. It’s so peaceful. It helps that it’s pretty, too,” Lachlan says.
“Why does it feel like you’ve talked to Chris more than that one night?” He shrugs and messes with his hair.
“I needed to talk to someone, and we weren’t in a place where I could talk to you, so…I talked to him.”
“Lots of talking and not talking,” I grin.
He huffs with a smile. “Yeah. Hey, I’m going to sit over there. Tell me when you’re ready, and we’ll go home.” I nod. He kisses my temple before going back down the aisle towards the doors.
I look at the altar set up with the stained glass window above it, and the sun has long set. It’s dark, but the city lights reflect little bits of color out of it. “Revna,” Chris says, bringing me out of my thoughts. He sits down next to me, relaxing into the stiff pew.
“I’m glad you could make it tonight; thank you for sharing. I’m glad to hear that you’re ok.”
“Thanks, I…I guess I just wanted to talk to you, but…” He nods, encouraging me to continue, but the words get stuck.
“Tell me what’s on your mind,” he says gently. I nod and take a deep breath. This is the most sharing I’ve ever done in my life. It’s a new feeling, and I have to admit, it’s hard to trust anyone with information about yourself.
“I can’t save myself, can I?” I ask Chris. He shakes his head no and remains silent.
I take a deep breath, trying to let the tightness in my chest dissipate. “Well, I realized I’d been trying to all this time and lost. I almost died because of it. But when I was lying in that hospital bed, I finally understood that I was never going to be my own hero. I can’t lie, I hate that. I’ve been alone my entire life, and I hate that I have to accept that I will never succeed in winning against myself. I mean, there are all kinds of opinions around the world about how people should live, and their version istheanswer. How I just have to dig deep and find the strength. Well, I checked. The lake is dry.”
I pause and pick at my fingers. “I have no more strength. I didn’t when I…I didn’t. I certainly don’t know it all, but not everyone can be right, right?”
“Right,” he says.
“How am I supposed to get better in all this…mud? I am constantly working against myself. That is addiction, but I think it’s life, too. It takes all the energy I have to give. If it didn’t, then I probably wouldn’t be struggling every day to stay sober. I would like to have one day where I don’t hesitate every time I put some paint on the brush, or I don’t think about getting high. I’m grateful I have a second chance, but I feel like I’m right where I started, only more sober. How am I supposed to deal with that?”
Chris nods, indicating he heard every word as he sits there quietly. I word vomited, and I’m not sure if I made any sense. Part of me is afraid. Maybe I said something wrong or questioned something I shouldn’t have. “Well, you’re right. Not everyone can be right. You may not understand this now because you’re in the thick of it. You’ve been hit with a lot, more than most. There is a lot for you to process. Even I don’t know what to make of all of it, but listen to me, Revna.”
I nod, listening carefully.
“It’s ok that you don’t have enough strength because the reality is that we never will. I know people like to tell themselves that. I understand what they are getting at, meaning we are capable of so much, which is true. But the reality is, we’re human. We just aren’t made that way. ‘Alone’ and ‘Revna’ don’t go together. It doesn’t work for me, Lachlan, or any of the others in NA. Even if we wish that, maybe it would. I understand being alone is easier. I get that. And it might work for a while, and it seems like it did for you. It did for me, too. But eventually, it won’t. That is the whole point of this God thing, you are never alone. It’s scary and confusing, and many believe it’s contradictory. But if you take a moment to look past your own pretenses, you might see what God is doing with both of you. His grace is deeper than your past and stronger than all of our weaknesses. I think He is using you for something beyond our understanding. What you just went through ishard. I can’t imagine what that felt like. To be clear, I’m not saying you needed to go through what you did to get here, but there is a reason you and Lachlan are where you are now. I have a feeling you already know that.”
I nod, swallowing thickly. I feel like all I do is shake my head up and down. “I do, I don’t know how, but I do. But why bother with me? Who am I? I haven’t done good things in my life. Things I don’t think God would approve of. I’ve only looked out for myself. I’ll admit it. Lachlan is the first person I truly care about, the first person I am terrified to hold on to too tightly because I’m afraid I will hurt him like I already have. What am I supposed to do with that?”
