Page 140 of Rivals
Guilt weighs me down in this bed. I know I have to make a choice. I know my time is running out. My father is not a patient man, and I know I’m pushing it. I have no idea what to do, and I don’t have anyone to talk to.
I sit up and look at the painting I did yesterday while wondering and panicking over Revna. I had no clue where she was. I thought she wasn’t going to come home for a minute, or maybe she just left me here…alone.
I did another mono color with grey. It’s dull and lifeless, exactly how I feel. I wish I could put my hands into clay or something, but I haven’t scheduled the kiln with my old professor. He was always a stickler about that.
I need to get out of this apartment. Staying here makes me think of last night and how everything we have built together is sifting through my hands like sand. I throw on a pair of jeans from the floor, and a hoodie Revna was wearing. I sniff the collar, and it smells like her. My nose burns, and I shake it off and walk out the door.
It’s a regular, busy morning as people hustle to work or school. I feel like an island amongst the sea of people as I move slowly in an unknown direction. My feet seem to take me to the one place I don’t want to be because it reminds me of her. I miss her already. I don’t want her to leave me. I want her to stay.
I climb the stairs to the quiet church and sit in a pew. I don’t know why I’m here, but it’s quiet and peaceful. It will do for now.
Broken pieces of yourself leave room for the light. You are never alone to pick them up, but you have to be willing to let love in so they don’t make you bleed. Revna needs you to help her see that, and you need her to ground you. You are made for each other.
I look up at the ceiling, sensing the calming presence of the voice in my mind. Maybe we are losing our grip on reality. It’s more and more often that I find myself losing touch when I’ve been painting recently. Revna is curling in on herself. It would all just be easier to disappear.
A throat clears behind me, and I glance over my shoulder. Chris walks up the hall and sits on the same pew. “Hi, Lachlan. It’s good to see you.”
I don’t say anything and keep my eyes on the front. “Is everything ok?” he asks. Typically, that question would rub me the wrong way. I used to hate when people would ask me if I was ok. I wasn’t. I haven’t been for a long time. But that started to change the moment Revna barged into my life. Though, I guess she’s always been there on the outskirts.
I glance at Chris. I don’t have anyone to talk to. I’ve never wanted to talk to anyone about anything I was feeling. He’s not staring me down like I thought he would be. He’s tapping away on his phone. At least I don’t feel like I’m being interrogated.
“Does Revna come here often?” I ask him. I watch him lock his phone and set it on the wood next to him.
“You know, Lachlan, I don’t think I should answer that.” I’ll take that as a yes. “I have a feeling you’re here for something more than just seeing if Revna comes here,” he says.
“We had a fight. It was…not good,” I mumble. He chuckles lightly and clasps his hands in his lap.
“Lots of good information right there,” he says sarcastically. I shrug. I don’t want to tell him everything, but maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I should tell someone everything. I don’t even know where to start.
“You don’t have to talk to me, Lachlan. I just came to say hello.” I glance at him again and pull at the thread on my jeans.
“I don’t know if you can help,” I say, looking him in the eye.
“I don’t know, either.”
I take a deep breath and explain part of what happened last night, the fight. The confusing emotions of maybe we aren’t good for each other, but there is no one else. I even mentioned my father. He frowned at that one, but he listened, and I think that’s all I needed.
He sits there for a moment before speaking. “Lachlan, I know this doesn’t solve anything, but I’m sorry. A father should never put his son in that kind of position. But for Revna, on the other hand. I know her. But I certainly don’t know her like you, not even close. Maybe you should try her idea for the last piece. At the very least, you have time to plan it out, right?”
I nod. “I just don’t know if we are ready to face the vulnerability of it all. I haven’t ever had to be so blatant with my work. At least with other pieces I’ve done in the past, it was more covert. I think this would be quite obvious. I don’t know if I’m ready for that or if Revna is either.”
“That’s fair. I’ll be honest. I don’t know that I would want to be open, either. My past isn’t pretty, so I don’t think it would go well for me. But being vulnerable isn’t a weakness. It’s not something to hide from Revna. It’s a strength.” He smiles sadly to himself. I wonder what happened in his life to get to where he is now.
“I feel like I’m failing you as a pastor, Lachlan, but none of us know the future. We can plan for it and hope, but it’s ultimately not in our control. Both of you are hurting; maybe it won’t hurt so bad if you just try it. It’s ok if it doesn’t work out, but what if it does?”
I nod my head, knowing he’s right. I stand quickly, and he leans back. “Thank you, Chris,” I say and shake his hand. As I walk out of the sanctuary area, I see a sign that advertises for Narcotics Anonymous. Maybe this is why Revna comes here. If she does, that means she’s trying. And if she’s trying, then I sure as hell can try, too.
I know what I have to do.
***
I open the door to the diner and look for Revna, but I don’t see her. “Hi, there,” Betty says. I turn to face her.
“Have you—“
“No, honey, she’s not here. She left about an hour ago.” I frown, and pull out my phone. She didn’t text me, so where is she?
My knuckles rap the counter. “Thanks, Betty,” I mumble.
