Page 91 of Home Field Advantage
She’s never seen that side of me because I don’t allow her or anyone else to. They believe staying a virgin was a choice. They think that I’m not going out or making plans because of my career, and only my career. While a part of it is, it’s mostly my brain lying to me, and me believing it, over and over again.
And that’s exactly what’s happening now.
Maybe Lily will understand—or at least try to. And if she doesn’t, maybe saying it out loud will help me stop feeling so alone in this storm I can never seem to escape.
“There’s a reason all of this terrifies me, and it’s the same reason I’m still a virgin and don’t date.”
“Is it your job?” Blair asks.
“Poppy,” Lily says, leaning forward, resting a hand on top of mine. “Did someone hurt you?”
I shake my head and finally tell them what I’ve been keeping to myself for too long. “A few years ago, I was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder. It’s not the typical ‘I like my room clean’ kind of thing. I have a few signature quirks like lining things up, making lists, and needing to keep everything in order, but sometimes I also have tiny voices in my head tellingme I’m not enough, and my brain believing them. I’ve developed a deep-rooted fear of relationships and allowing myself to get too close to someone because I worry they’ll leave. I didn’t want to hurt myself, so I just never pursued anything.”
“Oh, Poppy.” Lily sighs, wiping a tear from her eye.
“And I know you’re going to be upset that I never told you. I feel silly even hiding it from you because you’re my sister. I know deep down you would never judge me, but that voice in my head tells me everyone will. The fear tangled web in my brain has never let me have the courage to open up. But I can’t keep pretending I’m fine when I’m not. It’s exhausting.”
Lily’s features soften, and I know she understands. “I don’t know the first thing about what you’re going through, and I understand keeping this to yourself out of fear of what others may think.”
There’s a lot she’s never told me about what changed her after we graduated from high school, when one of Griffin’s best friends left the next day without a word. I’ll never push her for it, the same way she’s never pushed me, but we both have secrets.
One day, she’ll tell me hers when she’s ready.
“And you’re right. I always thought it was the keeping your room clean thing—which you always had the cleanest room in town.” She smiles softly. “I didn’t know it was more than that. My heart hurts that you’ve been silently dealing with this for so long. I hate myself right now, though, because if I had known, I would have never cracked those virgin jokes with you or pushed you to bang your neighbor.”
We both laugh at that. Lily makes her way over to me, wrapping me in her arms. “I’m sorry for not telling you.”
“I’m sorry you were scared to talk about it, but you will get zero judgment from me.”
Blair sniffles next to us. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be crying this much, but you’re so strong, Poppy. Dealing with the raging war in your head alone? I want to hug you, too.”
She joins us; a group hug with my two best friends. The two people who I know have my back and would understand me, even when fear tries to tell me otherwise.
My brain is a lying bitch.
Between telling Dallas and now these two, I believe that statement more and more.
It’s an amazing, yet strange, feeling when your brain is quiet. That constant buzzing in the background, the tension from always keeping a secret and pretending—it’s just gone.
It will never be completely gone, but it’s now noticeable enough.
I think this is what healing and moving forward is supposed to feel like.
I pull away from the hug, looking between Lily and Blair. “All that being said, that’s why I’m spiraling over the kiss with Dallas. Everything inside me is screaming that he’s not here to stay. Things between him and me seem to get more intense every time I see him. I don’t know what to do because I really do feel myself falling for him.”
“Iknewthere was something there,” Blair says with conviction. “I think I’ve known from the night he first showed up at Seven Stools.”
I raise an eyebrow. “You mean that karaoke night?”
Blair nods. “I watched the way he looked at you when you first walked in. It was as if the entire bar emptied out in his head, and you were the only one there. The only one he had eyes on. I didn’t think anything of it because, well, you’re a catch, Poppy.” She smiles widely. “But then, seeing him watch you a dozen times after, the look never left.”
I groan, falling back on my chair. “I don’t know what to do. One kiss and I’m ruined, it seems. If I see him again, and he kisses me the way he did last week, I’m done for.”
“What’s your biggest fear?” Lily asks.
I scoff. “That’s a loaded question.”
“Let me rephrase that…what’s your biggest fear when it comes to feeling something for Dallas?”
