Page 90 of Home Field Advantage
“It happens mostly in the steamy scenes when the guy tells the girl that she’s being such a good girl,” Blair adds.
“Or when he’s telling her that she can take it. Good god.” Lily rolls her eyes.
My insides swirl at the way they both explain it, and I can’t help that my first thought is of Dallas when they say all these things. Does he talk like that in the bedroom?
Would he callmea good girl?
Oh my god, now I’m thinking about sex with Dallas.
“Your cheeks are fire engine red, Pop.” Lily bends over in laughter. “Are you thinking about Dallas calling you a good girl? I’ve told you once, but he would be the perfect guy to lose your virginity to.”
“Jesus, Lily. Way to get right to the point,” Blair says.
“I wasn’t thinking about it until two seconds ago,” I say, in an effort to defend myself.
Lily puts both hands in the air. “Wait. Wait. Wait. Issomething really happening with you two? Now would be an excellent time to tell us what happened in that hallway.”
“Nothing happened in the hallway.” That’s not a lie. “But he did almost kiss me.”
“Did you want him to kiss you?” Blair asks.
I nod in response, but stay quiet.
“I think you should do it then.” Lily shrugs. “There’s no harm in it. And he’s Dallas. He’s hot.”
““Well,” I draw out, chewing on the inside of my cheek, and both of their eyes widen. “He sort of showed up at my house later that night. Andthenhe kissed me.”
I keep my expression blank because I hate the way my brain fights me on things like this. I’ve spent so much damn time going back and forth between wanting it and reminding myself that I shouldn’t want it. It’s a vicious cycle that I can’t freaking break.
When he’s not around, I tell myself I don’t want to feel these things.
It wasn’t until he had my chin in his hands, again, that I wanted him to kiss me.
And he did.
Oh my god, he did.
It was soft, warm, and electric. But also tender and slow. Kissing Dallas opened a floodgate of emotions I didn’t know I had. Time stood still in that moment, and for the first time in a long time, I felt good enough again. I didn’t think of the future or how everything could end with my heart broken. Getting lost in the feel of his lips on mine and welcoming the tingling in my stomach when his tongue swiped my bottom lip for me to open up for him.
It was everything.
“I want to scream in excitement for you, but by the look on your face, I’m not sure if I should hug you or jump up and down to celebrate,” Lily says.
Since opening up to Dallas about my struggles, there’s been alightness in my chest. It’s different than talking to a professional about it the way I always have. There was something about the free feeling of it being out in the open with Dallas that makes me wonder how telling my sister would be.
Would she accept me the way I am?
Of course. It’s insane to think otherwise.
But why does it feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff, worrying that she won’t understand, or worse, think I’m broken?
No, she’s not like that.
And so the raging war with logic continues.
“There’s something you should know,” I say out loud. My palms feel sweaty, and I brush them along my jeans to try to calm my nerves.
Lily’s face goes sheet white, and I can tell she’s also nervous for what I’m about to say.
