Page 106 of That First Night
My phone had died so I couldn’t even get in touch with Thomas. Admittedly, it was the last thing on my mind when we arrived close to midnight. I laid in the hospital chair next to her bed, in my gown, while I listened to her snore all night long. She did that in her sleep all the time, so it didn’t bother me. I was woken up in the early morning hours from my half-sleep state to silence.
That’s when I knew she was gone.
Gigi passed peacefully in her sleep, feeling no pain.
The way she always said she wanted to go.
She remained silent in her hospital bed as the nurses assessed her to confirm she had passed. I’ll never forget the nurse lowering the stethoscope from her ears, turning to look me in the eyes and saying, “I am so sorry, honey.”
Next thing I knew, my knees and hands were the only things holding me off the ground as I fell and let out the most gut-wrenching cry that has ever left my body. My dress splayed over the cold hospital floors, and I screamed a plea to whoever was listening to let her come back to me. To let her stay with me longer. “Please, don’t take her from me,” I cried over and over again in the nurse’s arms until I had no voice left to cry.
She’s no longer in pain and for that, I’m thankful. However, I can’t imagine this pain becoming anything less than what I feel right now. It feels like a dagger straight to my heart. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and left with her spirit.
I call Kali and Avery back to the hospital as soon as I have the strength and courage once I pull myself off the floor. I barely said anything over the phone, but the sobs in my throat were enough to send them running to me. When they show up minutes later with clothes and a toiletry bag of things for me, I am still sitting in the chair, staring at Gigi as she lay peacefully in the bed.
“Babe,” Kali says as she crouches down next to my chair. “We have to get you out of these clothes.”
I don’t move.
My eyes don’t move to Kali’s.
I have never felt numb like this in my life. When I lost my parents, I was shocked and heartbroken, but losing Gigi, being here in this hospital room as she took her final breaths, feels like someone took a knife and stabbed me in the chest. Not once, not twice, but over and over again until there’s nothing left of me.
“Pey.” Avery moves to now crouch in front of me. Tears fill her eyes. “Let’s get you home. I can’t begin to imagine how hard this is on you.” She sniffles. “Gigi,” she can’t say the words without breaking down. My eyes finally move to hers and tears I didn’t know I still had come rolling down my cheeks as I look my best friend in the eyes. “Pey, I am so sorry.”
“Ave,” I cry out and move into her arms and sob harder. “I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to live without her. I need her here. I fucking need her.”
She says nothing but holds me tight. She lets me sob into her shirt, my makeup from last night smearing her white t-shirt. I’m sure black streaks run down my cheeks and the world around me is blurry from tears.
“I fucking hate cancer,” I cry out.
“I know, babe,” Avery cries with me. “Me too.”
She doesn’t have to say anything. Neither of them has to. They may not know my pain, but they know what I need right now and it’s to be able to cry into their arms and feel their comfort. I know nothing will be able to take this pain away.
I allow myself to catch my breath as tears stain my cheeks. The nurse walks in and begins to speak but I don’t register a thing she’s saying. I hear words such as funeral and contact so and so. My eyes shift to Kali who is speaking for me. She maintains composure as she helps me handle what needs to be handled. I’ve mentioned it before, but it feels right saying it again, I would be lost without these two.
“Thank you,” a hoarse whisper comes out of me.
“Pey,” Kali sighs. “You do not need to thank me. This is what friends are for. This is whatsistersare for. You know we are always here for you, babe.”
I nod my head and wipe another tear from my eye. “I guess we have to go.”
“We will give you a few minutes with her,” Kali says. “We will be right outside this door.”
I nod and the girls give me soft smiles, but don’t say anything else before they leave me here to say goodbye. I stand up from the chair with my gown still clinging to me. I look over to Gigi where she lays and place my hand in her cold hand. I lean down and give her one last kiss on the forehead, lingering a second longer as I cherish this last moment I am physically in her presence.
“I’m going to miss you so much. I know you’re no longer in pain, and that makes me so happy for you. The selfish part of me wishes you could live forever. I love you so much, Gigi,” I silently sob. “To the moon, stars, Jupiter, and back.”
Sobs racking my body harder, I take a seat in the chair closest to her bed. I take her hand in mine, and the other hand circles my legs as I bring them to my chest. I rest my head on my knees and cry for the loss of my best friend, my rock, and my angel. I allow myself to think about all the amazing memories I have with her.
I remember trips to the grocery store with her and the cashier would complement her and say, “You have a beautiful daughter.” Gigi would smile from ear to ear, taking it as a compliment that she was young enough to have a daughter my age. She would hit them with a simple ‘thank you’ and we would be on our way. She would never correct them, and I loved that for her.
I remember all the wild and crazy stories she would tell me. There was this one story she would always tell us about how she left my mom in a grocery store when she was a baby so she could beat the shit out of a woman who was hitting a dog with a whip. The way she tells the story is ingrained in my memory, knowing exactly how she would hold her hand up to show us the scar when the crazy woman tried to whip her, but Gigi caught the whip.
To this day, I still don’t know if any of these stories are true because they were so wild and out there. But that is who she was. As crazy as the stories seemed, she always managed to make people laugh with them.
I remember growing up with her because my parents worked so much, and if I had a bad day after school, she would always be there to offer up snacks. She loved her food, but she loved offering food to others even more. She was the type of person who would make a tray of lasagna for the dentist when she went for her cleanings. And don’t get me started on the pharmacist. She always came bearing some form of food, whether it was lasagna, eggplant parmesan, or her famous pepperoni bread.
