Page 97 of Love, Academically
“Lila, I would like to spend the day with you. I’d like to spend every day with you. I would very much like to have a relationship with you, call you my girlfriend, but I know you’ve sworn off men. You can call us whatever you’d like, but I would like to be in your life, as more than a friend.” He dropped his hand to his coffee cup. “But only if you want to. I don’t want you to do something just because you think it will make someone else happy.”
Well, it was not the most flowery of speeches, but it did the job. Accurately conveyed his feelings. What he hadn’t banked on was the pounding of his heart against his ribs, the dryness of his mouth, the nearly imperceptible tremor in his hand as he sipped his coffee. He was fucking nervous about what she would say. What if she said,thanks for the dick, see you at work?Then that was that, he would see her at work and be whatever she wanted him to be. Just a work colleague, if that’s what she wanted.
He wouldn’t pretend to himself that he wouldn’t be hurt. Because he would be terribly hurt. But that was something to deal with if or when the time came.
“You want to be in a relationship? Withme?” She was pretty incredulous.
“Yes,” he answered. “That’s exactly what I want.”
Another sip of coffee and a non-threatening smile.
“You don’t have to answer me now,” he said, placing his coffeedown on the table. “We can spend the day together, or if you feel you need some time to yourself, I’ll go home.”
Rhys watched Lila’s throat bob in a swallow and clenched his fist under the table. He was not ready to say goodbye just yet. Not at all.
“Um.” Her tongue stroked across her bottom lip. “I, uh—”
“I’ll tell you what, Lila,” he said, kindly. “I’ll go home. You have a think about what’s best for you. Call me when you want to.”
Lila adjusted her teacup, the clattering against the saucer betraying her nerves.
“Why do you always make things my choice?” she blurted.
Rhys’s head tilted and he frowned.
“Because it is,” he said simply. “It’s up to you who you spend time with, who you’re in a relationship with and I don’t want to take away any decision from you.”
“Oh.” She focused on her torn-up pain au chocolat.
“I think that you’re so busy trying to please everyone that you don’t do what you want to do, things that make you happy. And I like seeing you happy.”
Her eyes flicked to his.
“You like seeing me happy?” Her voice was small, tentative.
“Yes.” He grinned, because that was an easy question. “I like the way your eyes sparkle when you’re surprised. I like your satisfied smile when you taste a particularly good cookie. I like your grin when Richard Gere does something stupidly romantic.”
“You do?”
“Yes, I do.” he said firmly. “But—”
Lila’s shoulders sank, but he pushed on.
“But, I don’t want you to think about me. I want you to think aboutyou. Whether you want this. Whether you don’t want this. This is entirelyyourdecision and I will be happy that you’ve made it for yourself.”
Inside, he was screamingPick me! Pick me!but everything he said was true. It was her decision and he would not take that away from her. He was worried that if he didn’t give her that specific choice, she’d go with the flow because it was whathewanted, which is precisely what hedidn’twant.
Rhys wanted her to be with him because she wanted to be.
Lila’s mouth dropped open ever so slightly, her soft lips desperate to be kissed. He could kiss her, hewantedto kiss her, but this wasn’t the time.
They sat for a beat in silence. She wasn’t going to say anything. Fuck, she needed time. Fine. Time he could give her. He wouldn’t like it, but he could.
“Okay, I’ll talk to you later. Call me when you’re ready, okay?”
He took one more slurp of his actually quite delicious coffee and stood, throwing on his jacket and forcing a smile for Lila. How did she manage to smile all the time? Especially when he wanted to shout and demand and, most of all, scowl. But he wouldn’t, not with her.
The stupid ring of the bell as the door swung shut behind him grated on his last nerve. He was definitely doing the right thing, he knew he was, but his jaw ticked with tension. Rhys didnotlike decisions about his life being left to other people, he didn’t like giving up control. But she needed this control and he wanted her to have it. It was just difficult giving it.
