Page 124 of Love, Academically
It was definitely cold tonight and Lila pulled on a pink crochet hat, which matched her coat. She was a massive pink raspberry with black-tight-ed legs for a stalk.
They walked in silence to the car park, although he could have been talking about how he had a newfound love for Richard Gere and she wouldn’t have been able to hear him over the whoosh of blood in her ears.
“Here we are, Petunia,” he said, tapping the top of her little blue car.
“Yeah,” she said, adjusting her bag on her shoulder.
“Listen, Lila—” he started, but he wasn’t going to get any more words out because she launched herself at him, throwing her arms around his neck and pressing her lips tight against his. He stumbled, but righted himself quickly, pressing her back against the little car, his mouth opening eagerly to lick his tongue into hers.
Lila hadmissedthis. Damn it, she’d missedhim.
As much as she wanted to take him home, to fall into him completely, she couldn’t and she knew she couldn’t. Pressing her hands to his chest, she pushed against him gently.
“Rhys.” She was breathless. He pulled back and searched her eyes urgently.
“What’s wrong? I’m sorry, I—”
“No, no, nothing’s wrong,” she said. “I just, I can’t.”
Hurt flickered in his eyes, but he stepped back and ran his hand across his mouth.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have.” What? Kissed him? Thrown herself at him? Given him hope that she wanted him back? All of the above.
“No, no, I’m glad you did,” he said, lips pulling into a tightsmile that certainly did not reach his eyes. “I’ve told you before, Lila. You never need to apologise for kissing me.”
Lila’s breath caught in her throat at the memory of being his fake girlfriend. There was nothing fake about the way she was feeling now, but it was too much for right now. Too big, and she was not ready to deliver herself to him all wrapped up in a pretty bow.
“Okay, um. Thank you for walking me to my car,” she said, fumbling with the door handle.
“Any time, Lila,” he said. “Anything you need. You just, uh, need to tell me. I think it’s pretty clear to everyone who has eyes what I want.”
The unspoken word wasyou, and she flushed.
“But I don’t want to push you. I want you to make your own decision, to want to be with me because you want to. Not becauseIwant you to,” he said. “I’m not like him, Lila, and I’d like to be able to prove it to you.”
“Those things you said, Rhys.” They went round and round in her mind every night before bed, stirring up the feelings of ‘not good enough’, ‘will never be good enough’. So much for not talking about it.
“You’ll never know how much I regret them. I was frustrated, angry, stressed and you were the closest, so I took it out on you. I shouldn’t have.” His voice cracked slightly. “Lila, I’m so sorry for hurting you. I have never been more sorry for anything in my entire life.”
“You went behind my back and threatened Sue’s job, Rhys. You went behind my back and contacted Jason about our loan. Youinterfered, and that was exactly what I specifically asked you not to do,” she said, throat burning. “You told me I was unwanted, that I was a distraction.”
He cringed, despair and regret clear on his face.
“I said those things. I know I did. But you have never beenunwanted, you are never a distraction. I was wrong to say those things, I was wrong about so much. I should never have blamed you, none of this is your fault.” His voice cracked dangerously and he took a shaky breath.
Lila held herself back, because all she wanted to do was to smooth his frown, to pull him to her and make it all better. But she couldn’t, shewouldn’t. She had to put herself first, and if that meant not fixing this situation with Rhys, then so be it.
“What I did with Sue and Jason was wrong. I fully admit that. I’m not going to say ‘but’, because it was wrong of me to do so. Completely wrong.” He blinked rapidly. “I was trying to make things better for you. But you’re a grown woman, you don’t need me to fight your battles for you. I should have supported you in how you wanted to deal with matters rather than taking things into my own hands.”
“Yeah, you should have,” she said, tart and bitter.
“I know that now. I think I even knew it when I was doing it, but I couldn’t stop. I just wanted you to not have to deal with people who were trying to bring you down.” He shook his head sadly. “I never thought I would be one of those people.”
He was raw, in pain, self-reflective, so different from the assured, cocky, ego-driven ‘I’m always right’ Rhys that he was before she slipped on those leaves all those weeks ago.
“Sue does need some management training though,” she mumbled.
A little smile pulled at the corner of Rhys’s mouth.
