Page 42 of Bound By Blood
A BAD BARGAIN
Erryn ducked her head, bringing one hand up to her eyes as if she could block his gaze. The words pushed out slowly, as if they now had a mind of their own or as if some magic had summoned her confession. There was no way to stop them, no matter how much they hurt. How horrid that it was here, with the one person whose respect and good opinion she did not want to lose.
"My mama tried to raise my sister and me well," she said hoarsely. "Always reminded us how blessed we were to live in the northern islands. Humans don't fare so well in some places, but here—or rather there? Peaceful. Good laws. Plenty of food, even if you were poor. Plenty of places to shelter. Eventually, I hated it. I wanted something better. Sometimes when we fought, Mama said I was ungrateful, and I was. After all, when my dad died, we didn't lose our home. The people in our town helped when it was needed. My mama was able to take in work doing various odd jobs. We even got a bit of an education. It was a quiet but good life.
"Both my sister and I reached a point where we were to choose what employment we wanted. Mama wanted us to take on full trades to take advantage of the opportunities available in our town, but I thought I was meant for something much better. A singer and a dancer. And I would travel over all the world and be the most beautiful, the most melodious, the most best of all." She attempted a small flourish, then hugged herself. Her chest tightened as she stepped back again. That sick pit in her stomach expanded. "I wasn't going to be a weaver or a fish chopper or a servant or someone who did odd jobs. Especially wasn't going to work at the tavern, even if it was a good one where we wouldn't be at the whims of customers or reliant on tips. I was going to find my calling as a singer.
"It seemed for a while like that was the clear path, no matter what Mama said. After all, she and my sister encouraged me to sing and play. They said it was my gift. And I wanted that to be my true career. If this was my gift, why shouldn't I make it my life? Except there were no opportunities for singers and musicians in that place. All I needed was time and the opportunity, but none came, and I didn't have enough money to leave. My mama didn't want me to leave either. Most other places were dangerous, she said. Especially for a young woman all on her own.
"My sister started working at the tavern. It was hard work though good, but it made her plainer. Wore her down. I said I would rather die than work in such a place. She didn't write any of her poems any longer. She didn't draw or paint. When I asked her about it, she said it was just for a time. A season."
She swallowed hard, pressing one hand to her face. It was like living it all again. Shame flooded her. She didn't dare to lift her gaze to his. How could he not judge her?
"Before that, I'd been coming around to the realization I'd have to give up my dreams. But…when she said that—something snapped inside me. Mama told me I had to choose a place to work. I had until my sixteenth birthday. I thought it was grossly unfair. So we fought. And fought."
Her heart beat faster. The memories grated through her mind, sharp and painful. Harsh words echoed within her mind, painful as the day she had spoken them. She dug her fingers into her skin.
"The fighting got bad. I said terrible things to her. To my sister as well when she tried to stop the fight. And then I said I was going to go to the Cabin. It was this little place up on the cliff where some of the youth would go to be alone. I was going to stay there and forage until I found enough to pay my way to one of the cities. She told me that was good. I should go and stay there. Take care of myself. See what it was like to not have a family. All I had to do—all I had to do was put the glow markers on a white boulder at the crag's edge. You could see the markers even from our house, and she would know that I was safe. Simple, right?"
More tears sprang to her eyes. She scrubbed them away. Regret choked her.
"My first night there, I set it up. Set up the boulder. Put the markers on it with my sign, and I did what I usually did. It wasn't the first time I'd been up there to think, but it was the longest. Days turned into weeks. I used up everything I had. My foraging and bracelet weaving wasn't enough to gather enough coin for more than a few nights of travel if I didn't want to sleep out under the trees. Ultimately, there was nothing. Not even a surprise friend or a bolt of inspiration. Even after the food ran out, I tried to stay in case there was a miracle. But two nights of that, and I just—I realized I needed to go home and accept the truth, so I started back, and that's when I met her." She paused, trying to catch her breath.
He poured her a glass of water and set it beside her, but then he stepped back so that the gap was not closed between them. He watched her with quietly contemplative eyes, one arm resting on the counter.
The fire crackled, sparks popping as the wood shifted in the grate.
She couldn't even take the glass of water.
"I met a night fae," she continued, her voice thick. The words came, slow and painful. "She saw at once how talented and beautiful I was. Or so she said. And she had a special gift for me. Well, not a gift as it turned out. A very special bargain for a very special girl. She would let me go on a grand and wonderful adventure where I would be revered and adored. In the cities. At the festivals. I could make my name and my fortune, and everything would be honey and roses for my family and me. All I had to give her was a day and a night of her choice." She closed her eyes and pressed her hands to her face. "It sounded so wonderful, you know? Just a day and a night. That was all. Not the day or night of my birth or of my death. Just an ordinary night and day. For some reason, I assumed that it would be the next day and night. That I would go through, experience it, and when I came back, it would just be a day and a night while I had all this fortune and all this good to share. What was one more day and night? Mama might worry if I missed one night, but it wouldn't be so bad. Besides, I'd find the solution. Maybe she wouldn't even notice? I thought I could get in in enough time that she wouldn't—"
She covered her mouth. It had been stupid. Tears brimmed in her eyes.
"I took the bargain. Let her make the mark. At first, it was so big. It covered my neck and shoulder. Over time, it has shrunk down so most can't even see a trace. She hadn't mentioned that, but I didn't mind. This new adventure was wonderful. People were throwing themselves at my feet. Everyone raved about my talent and my skills. My voice. My presence. My poise. Everything. I performed better than I had in any of my dreams. Until I realized—it wasn't real. There were holes. It was—it was nothing but glamour and falseness. I pushed through the illusion. I made myself real, and I tested myself. Only to find…I wasn't even average. Once I saw through the falseness and the glamour and realized what I really was, I pushed through the rest and found myself back in that clearing. It sickened me. I couldn't even carry on the pretense or hide in the illusion. It was over."
She covered her mouth. The memories hammered at her harder now. It had been so much worse than she could put into words. The jeers, the screeches, the yells. The utter disdain once the glamour no longer masked the fae mark. They'd realized she was a fraud, imbued with magic to perpetuate what they deemed to be a scam. Some even seemed to know about her family. They yelled so loudly and accused her of murdering her mother and sister with her carelessness. It was as if they had seen straight into her heart and taken every fear and turned it into verbal daggers, hurled at her with vicious accuracy and thunderous volume that even now had her cringing. All so loud it had beaten into her ears. Even now, there were times when simply voices that were too loud sent her back into that place.
She ducked her head, trying to rush past those memories. If she told him everything that happened then, he might feel like she was trying to make him feel sorry for her. That wasn't what this was about. Her breaths became tighter.
"I got home." Barely. "Ashamed and exhausted. When I got back, though, someone else was in the house. Everyone—everyone was shocked to see me." She hugged herself tighter, shaking her head. "Time didn't stop while I was gone, Ryul, and it wasn't a random night and day the fae took. She took the day I left for the Cabin and the night I put up the boulder with the markers. So Mama didn't know where I had gone. She didn't know I was safe all that time. She and my sister went off to look for me. And—there was nothing for them to find."
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
She dared to glance up. He wasn't looking at her. His focus had turned toward the fire now, and his brow furrowed. It was starting. The contempt. The rejection.
It was all right, though.
This was what had to happen.
It was what she deserved.
Just as she had deserved it when they had driven her out of that town.
"I don't expect you to agree with me." She struggled to steady her voice. "Or to even feel sorry for me. I sacrificed my family in that bargain, and I lost everything. I am a horrible person. I was old enough to know better. And it really doesn't matter that I didn't intend those consequences. They are what they are. My mama warned me against making bargains of any sort. Especially ones involving glamour and magic. But I thought I knew better than her. Now she and my sister are gone. The terrible thing I had to realize is that…there was no way that played out without them suffering in some way. What I did was selfish and cruel. When I realized what had happened, I ran away. I was terrified. Then I started searching for them. But it did no good. They are lost. Probably dead because of me."
"Do you know that for certain?" He continued to gaze at the fire, his expression inscrutable.
"I've looked everywhere I can. Even tried to make a few more deals. But I didn't have anything anyone wanted. Then—" She wiped her hand under her eyes. "Well, after a certain point, it became obvious. Especially after what the crowd said. I think somehow they knew. The magic revealed it. And some of what people said—I don't think they made it."
