Page 75 of Marriage is a Shore Thing
It’d been harder than I’d anticipated not telling Van last night that I want things to be different, especially since he was lit up like a sparkler after our successful heist. I seriously thought he wouldn’t go to bed, like a kid on Christmas Eve. His endearing energy made a goofy grin split my face, but I didn’t fight it like I used to. I just let myself be happy alongside him.
Today, the nerves over finally telling Joanna the truth have been niggling at me. I’d been unable to eat breakfast and was more distant in class than I’d been in weeks. I’d heard through the Wilks Beach rumor mill that being married has softened my teaching style. None of my boxers said it to my face, though.Doing so would only have the reverse effect, and they’re smarter than that.
The sound of Betty Davis’s thick, gritty bassline reverberating through the front door makes my shoulders settle slightly. Joanna usually listens to the unapologetically bold singer when she’s in a good mood.
I take a moment to tilt my face toward the warm sunshine of this unseasonably warm day and settle my breathing. Then my gaze falls to the garden beds on either side of Joanna’s doorstep, bursting with wildflowers. Purple asters, goldenrod, and Queen Anne’s lace preen from their garden beds, almost tickling your ankles. Five years ago, they were filled with manicured blooms, tended by a gardener at my father’s command.
At that time, I stood on this doorstep with a different kind of news, but what I need to tell Joanna today is nowhere near as heartbreaking as that. She might not take this news well today, but I know in the end, Joanna and I will be okay.
“Oh, hey, honey.” Joanna answers the door with a blue bandana tied around her curls, cleaning gloves on her fingers. She leans farther out of the doorway, looking for Van. “Where’s your hubby?”
“Surfing with Nick.” Or at least that’s what his note said when I woke up this morning. “Can I come in?”
Joanna brightens. “Of course.”
In the kitchen, she pulls off her gloves and turns down the music. “Do you want some coffee?”
I debate saying yes, just to have something to do with my trembling hands, but then straighten my spine and gesture to the table. “No, thank you. Could we sit for a minute?”
Her blue eyes flicker with worry, but I give her a soft smile. It took accidentally marrying a stranger to show me that it’s okay to be more open—with myself and with those I love.
I shock her by taking her hand when she settles it on the table. “I need to talk to you about Van…”
Joanna rotates her family ring between her fingers as I finish telling her the truth. I handed it to her after explaining all the details of last night’s successful retrieval.
“So I’d love to have this ring, but I want it under the right circumstances.” I pause, biting my lip. “When I’m ready.”
She nods to herself before taking a deep breath and lifting her chin. “I’m sorry I put so much pressure on you to be happily married.”
“You didn’t,” I say firmly. “You were just excited about news you thought was real, which is totally understandable. And besides…” Churning, uneasy energy swirls in my stomach, but I force myself to verbalize what has been flitting in the back of my mind for weeks. “I want things to work out between Van and me. I…I really like him.”
The steady warmth in my chest feels more significant than the word ‘like,’ but saying I like Van when I never discuss or even tolerate emotions in conversations is monumental enough. The last thing I need is to accidentally send Joanna into premature grandbaby-planning mode.
Though…
My mind flips through an imaginary montage of Van as a father. He’d happily let his nails be painted or wear a tutu and a tiara for a stuffed animal tea party. He’d probably make the best pillow forts and encourage our kids to take pony rides on his strong back. If there was a craft project or school spirit day, he’d be all over it, which honestly, is a good thing because I’m pretty sure I’d be terrible at all those things.
I’d never thought about having kids, just like I’d never thought about getting married, because it didn’t seem possible. No one wants a prickly cactus for a mother. But maybe, with Vanthere to soften out my rough edges, we could make the perfect parenting team.
A hopeful smile lifts my lips.
Normally, this would be where I’d slam all these feelings—these sticky,grossemotions—into a black spiked lockbox and throw them in a corner. But instead, I sit with the uncomfortable resonance and slowly inhale.
None of this might come to fruition, and if it doesn’t, that’s okay. Or rather,I’ll beokay. I’ve already proven that I’m strong enough to handle whatever life throws at me. But it’s also safe for me to dream a bit, to think positively about the future and then fight for it.
“I don’t want you to take this the wrong way,” Joanna starts, and my abs flex on instinct, “but Van really likes you too.”
My forehead wrinkles. “Why would I take that the wrong way?”
She tilts her head from side to side, hesitating. “Because you have a tendency to push people away when they show you affection.”
Oh.
Yep. I totally do that.
“I’m…” It feels as if Joanna just sucker punched me. “I’m working on that.”
The soft smile lifting her lips is breathtaking, like the first light spilling over the ocean’s edge at dawn. She leans down to pet Princess, who’s wandered into the kitchen. Demon will probably hide under the couch until after I leave, which is fine with me. That cat lives up to his name.
