Page 33 of All Your Days
I didn’t mean to say it—the words just burst out of me. I regret them instantly, though, when Jacob says absolutely nothing. He doesn’t even acknowledge that I’ve spoken.
Angrily, I throw myself over onto my side, facing away from him and tug the sheet up over my shoulder. Is it unreasonable to be upset? Probably. Especially when I can barely put together why I’m upset. But I feel like I get a pass after dragging my arse across the desert.
There are the dull echoes of shouts outside the hotel. Probably people returning for the night—hell, maybe even the guards.
“Why what?” Jacob whispers so quietly I can barely hear him.
If I thought I was angry before, I was an idiot. Because now I am as furious as the blazing sun. The mattress crackles like broken straw when I jackknife upright, going so far as to rise up on my knees, looming over him in the dark. I can feel him shifting onto his back.
And then I unleash.
Chapter nine
Jacob
“Why what?’” Eli spits venomously and my eyes sink closed. “Why, Jacob! Why? Why’re you like this? Why do you lurk about watchin’ me? D’you think I don’t see you? D’you think I’m dumb? You are always there! Breakfast—you’re there! Dinner—you’re there! Go out to visit the craftsmens’ shops, guess who’s watchin’ me from the walls? Fuck!”
“You even loiter about when I’m fuckin’ somebody else—do you think I didn’t notice you managing to walk by just as Drazic was pullin’ up his pants after we got off together last month? Is that it? Do you get off on it? Is that why you pissed off the other night in the camp? Do you only get off on watchin’ me with other blokes? Do you haunt the corridors of The Facility just waitin’ for me to go fuck around so that you can just sneak up and—”
My heart pounds so tightly in my chest, the feeling inside me building and building until every second offeelingI’ve fucking felt in my life explodes out of me.
I roar—a sound I’ve never heard from myself before, bellowing from deep within my guts. I launch myself blindly at Eli. I can’t see where he is in the dark, I just know he’s above mesomewhere. I catch him around his middle, cutting off his tirade with a loudoofsound when my shoulder slams into him.
He fights back, slapping and kicking me away with frustrated grunts. He’s too angry, though, and has no idea what he’s doing, so it doesn’t take much to have him pinned beneath me, his wrists trapped in one of mine above his head against the pillows.
I brace my weight on my other elbow, keeping my chest up off his, our bellies pressed firmly together. And in the short-lived tussle I’ve worked my way between his thighs. Our legs are tangled, but my groin is hard up against his. Only the thinnest fabric separates his cock from mine. Like this, he’s trapped. He just hasn’t figured it out yet. He’s still fighting me, trying to wriggle his way out of my grip. With each bucking thrust the length of his erection drags against mine—our sleeping shorts adding to the torturous friction.
The smart thing to do would be to move. To let him go and run to the bathroom and lock myself in there. But I don’t—I’m just as furious as he is. His outburst has unleashed all the things I’ve tried to keep locked up tight. Every fear, every nightmare comes rushing to the surface until I’m drowning in them. Eli is my only lifeline. I sink down lower, until the heated, bare skin of his chest burns me like a brand. I use my weight to settle him, keeping his wrists firmly trapped.
“Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me?” I hiss, my forehead dropping to his. It helps me orient myself. “It kills meevery fuckin’ timesomeone touches you. Every time you’re out of my sight, I’mterrifiedthat somethin’s gonna happen.”
“Then why do youleave! I know you volunteered for these fuckin’ runs, Jacob. Why don’t you ever talk to me?Why!” His breath is hot against my face with each furious whisper-yell.
Squeezing my eyes tight to ease the tightness in my chest, I brush my nose over his cheek, and then the other.
“Because Ican’t, Eli. I can’t stay and watch you. I can’t have you and I can’t leave you and I can’t stay.”
“Butwhy?” Eli sobs, fighting against my hold once again.
“This world… we’recarriers, Eli. If the virus doesn’t get us, it’ll be somethin’ else. It’s always fuckin’ somethin’. It’s inevitable.” Tears sting my eyes and I can’t hold them back. “I can’t lose you, too. I can’t have you and lose you like I lost everyone else. It will–it’ll be the fuckin’ end of me.”
“So we getnothin’instead? That’s fucked, Jacob.”
There is dampness on the pillow where my elbow digs in next to his face. I just don’t know if it’s from my tears or his.
“It’s—it’s for the best.” I try to sound reasonable, but it just comes out broken.
Sighing heavily, I release his wrists so I can heave myself off him, but he’s ready for me, snapping into action. Strong thighs wrap around my hips, and tender hands with fresh calluses cup my face for a second before they’re gone. Then he rolls me.
The air is knocked from my lungs as we flip back across the bed, landing with Eli straddling my hips.
“That's some bullshit, Jacob.” Eli sniffs loudly, and I feel the hot droplets of his tears splash on my stomach. He wriggles his arse on my dick for one agonisingly glorious second. I don’t think he meant it—he’s just wiping the tears from his face. “Give me one night. Just one night where I can pretend you’re mine. One night and then we’ll lock whatever this is between us away forever. Just like you want.”
One long finger digs into the soft space just below my ribs, punctuating his words.
“It’s not what I want, Eli. It’s what’s—”
His hand flattens against my chest, shoving me against the mattress.
