Page 37 of All Your Days
What did I think was gonna happen? He was gonna change his mind just because of my magic blow job skills? I’m such a fuckin’ muppet. And now I have to spend the day with him. I have to travel back with him. Return to The Facility and dowhat? Just… be with someone else? Forget?
Another sob rises up, breaking free before I can quieten it. In the bathroom, I hear the clatter of something in the basin. Did Jacob hear me? Fuck. That’s just… I can’t. I can’t do that to him. I can’t do that tome.
Through my rapid hiccuping breaths, I force myself to breathe in long and deep. It takes a few goes before I finally manage to get myself kind of under control.
One time, when I was a kid and still at school, one of the Lab assistants came in to talk to us. Really, they were there to talk to the teachers and assess us to see if we had what it took to work in the Labs, but they brought these magnets in with them. The Lab assistant fascinated us all with those shiny black rocks and the way they clapped together like magic. Except, then she flipped them around and made them dance. Every time one magnet got close, the other magnet ran away.
There was a special force field around the magnets, she explained, meaning they couldn’t go together while they were facing the wrong way.
Jacob and I are those magnets this morning. We get ready in absolute silence. I go to the bathroom; he stays in the bedroom. He needs to get something from his bags; I find myself over by the front door. He looks backwards at what’s happened and fearsthe future. I look forward and try to embrace whatever comes. Not that I can blame him, after all that he’s been through.
As luck would have it, we are the last ones to make it to the pub for breakfast. When I sit between Ryan and Cale, there are raised eyebrows, but no one says anything about why my eyes are all bloodshot or why Jacob looks ready to murder someone. Cale takes pity on me. He settles back in his chair, leaning back and resting his arm on the back of my chair. I try really hard not to flinch away from the casual touch.
“So, what did you fellas get up to last night?” I ask, genuinely curious, despite the cloud over me. The three of them are looking all banged up this morning. Cale has a shiner on his left eye, while Malcolm’s nursing a split lip and Ryan's knuckles are all bruised.
“We learned to play pool. We were shit, but I reckon we got the hang of it in the end. Had to call an end to it when some armyman fella called some other guy a cheat and a fight broke out. But by then, those fellas from Blue Creek were here causin’ a ruckus, so we called it quits and fucked off to bed.” Cale raises his tea in Jacob’s direction, like he’s saluting his own good decision making.
“You’re right, though,” Malcolm adds, leaning back in his chair and kicking out his legs. “Those Blue Creek blokes are fuckin’ animals. Real ‘bring a gun to a knife fight’ types. Not even jokin’. Everyone’s just throwin’ fists, just settlin’ shit out, and then they bring out these massive fuckin’ blades. Did you see how excited they were? Too fuckin’ keen man.”
Malcolm shakes his head, his shaggy hair swinging around his shoulders.
Ryan doesn’t say anything, just raises his eyebrow and stares pensively into his tea. He probably thought the Blue Creek guys were just good blokes looking for some fun.
“You doin’ the Union delivery first?” Lou asks, elbowing Jacob.
Jacob jolts and shakes his head. He was staring off into space, and obviously not paying attention before the elbow to the guts.
“Uh, yeah. Wanna come with us to see how it goes?”Us, because I have to go, too, to explain the tests.
At least Jacob and I can agree that being alone together is the worst idea. Worse than ‘just one night’. Now every time I look at Jacob’s hands I know what they feel like on me. I know how his lips feel against mine. I know what sounds he makes when he comes. It’ll haunt me forever.
Lou looks between the pair of us and sighs.
“Yeah, I’ll come. Let’s get this shit done. I wanna get home.”
Same, Lou. I think to myself, shoving the last of my bread and milk in my mouth, chewing it for far longer than necessary so I don’t blurt out anything stupid.Fucking same.
The delivery to the Union goes off without a hitch and it pisses me off even more. The armymen captain didn’t even ask me any questions. Why the fuck was I even sent on this trip? I could be at home. I could be with Jessica and Matty celebrating their pregnancy. I could’ve gone for a drink with Daniel and never had last night with Jacob and I wouldn’tknow. I wouldn’t know how fucking incredible the feel of his touch is, and how perfect and fuckingright.
And I wouldn’t know how fucking terrible it is to not have it anymore.
He’s barely looked at me.
He didn’t look at me as we crossed the outpost to the Union offices.
He didn’t look at me while we waited for the general.
I seethe as we make our way back across the outpost to the trading sheds. Jacob stomps ahead of our straggling group, huffing and puffing and pulling the cart with all the stuff we have for trade.
But fuck him, I decide. If this is my only chance to see the place, I’m gonna see it. He can go kick rocks. So I stroll along with Lou on one side and Cale on the other, taking our own sweet time.
The outpost looks completely different in the daylight, and nowhere near as dangerous. Sure, I can’t seem to shake the fear of all the untested carriers just roaming about, but it’s really hard to be scared when there are kids running about all over the place with their dogs and carefully kept little gardens out the front of the homes, filled with the funniest little metal animal sculptures. And in the daylight, it’s easier to see the ways people have built their shelters out of whatever they could rustle up. There're homes made out of thick strips of bark and wood, with leather pinned for shelter. Others are made of the same mud and dung as the outer buildings at home. The creative use of what they have is impressive.
One building is made of so many scrap bits of things, it’s hard to figure out what they may have been. Round black plastic disks cover one wall and another with glass bottles. It’s magnificent and strange—which kinda explains the outpost as a whole really.
I feel an itch of guilt in my guts at my judgments of the place last night. I was being a dick. It’s obvious, when I really look at the place, that the people here are really just doing the best with what they’ve got. Fuck knows if I’d be able to survive out here like they have.
The walk does me good. I’m a little calmer by the time we make it to the trading sheds. Their doors are rolled wide open this morning. Kids, dogs, and chickens run in and out the building, weaving in and around the irritated adults and tables that seem to spill out of the building onto the surrounding dirt street. Kangaroos lounge under the shade wherever they please, completely uncaring how in the way they are. I even see an emu walking beside a man wrapped in a sheet of fabric tied at his shoulder. The man chats happily away with his emu companion who seems happy to stroll along with him.
