Page 98 of Dare You to See Me
She’ll probably drag me into the shower and scrub behind my ears. So it’s probably best if I just get up and do it myself.
It takes me three times as long to get ready because my body is so drained of energy. I use it all up during the week for the kids and come the weekend, I’m lucky if I manage to eat. When I’m done I sit on the couch like a kid, waiting for whatever my friends have planned for me.
The bar is quite tame tonight compared to what a usual Saturday night in February is. If I were in my business mind, I’d be worried. But tonight, I’m happy that there are fewer people to contend with. I can only dole out so many fake smiles before I’m tapped out.
Dagen slides in next to me at our usual booth, and I hang my arm around her. I’m taking a big risk since Hendrix usually likes to rip the arms off of men who look at Dagen and beat them with it. But I’m his brother and Day is basically my sister, so he knows I mean nothing but respect and love by it.
“I hate seeing you like this, Mal.” Dagen lays her head on my shoulder and I rest mine on top.
Henny and D are playing darts with a few of the guys we ride with, and Kinsley is talking with a new guy I’ve never seen before. He came with the crew so until he proves otherwise, I’ll assume he’s a good guy.
“I hate being this way, Day, but I don’t know how to be just me again. It’s like I can’t remember the person I was before Soleil. I know it sounds so stupid, pining over a woman for that I dated for three and a half months, but there was this…”
“Feeling? Connection? Pull?” Dagen finishes.
“Sense of being whole. I thought I was complete when I found Henny and D. I had no clue how empty I truly was until she came into my life. Now, I feel emptier than before. I don’t know what to do about it.”
Her hand reaches up to pat my face. “If she really is the one who fills your soul and heart with love, then you just keep trying. Hold on to hope with both hands and be here waiting for her.”
She drops her hand and I lift the weight of my head off of hers. Tears swim in her eyes when she looks at me and I know it’s because we have a shared experience. She’s reliving the pain of losing Hendrix and more, through me. It’s the worst club to be a part of.
“I’ll be right back. Do you need anything?” She asks, as she stands from the booth.
“I’m good.” I raise my glass of water, the only thing I can stomach, and take a sip.
My eyes wander around the bar, looking at all of my friends and family laughing and having a good time. It’s my birthday but they’re the ones celebrating. This is not the way I imagined spending my birthday. I was convinced I would be toasting with my girl, and thanking her for making this life worth living.
My finger traces the lines of the wood table. The knots, the scratches we’ve put in it over the years, the dents from slamming glasses and bottles. All the imperfections hold a story. I reach into my boot and pull out the small knife I carry there. The same one that both Henny and D keep, as well. It’s a Dare brother thing.
I scoot into the corner of the large booth and flip open my knife, and begin carving away. I work with quick, yet controlled swipes until my carving is done.I stare at the small crown that surrounds a sun. It’s simple, only lines and dots, but it’s exactly what I imagined in my head.
“I don’t think the owner would take too kindly to you vandalizing their property.”
Chills rush across my body at the sound of the voice, and when I look to the source, I have to blink my eyes several times to make sure I’m not dreaming.
“Soleil?”
FORTY-ONE
SOLEIL
I spottedhim the moment I stepped foot inside of Truth and Dare . He sat in the corner all alone, like he was a party crasher trying to go unnoticed. It broke my heart a little. It was like taking a look back at the boy who was abandoned by family after family. This time, it was me who abandoned him.
But with good reason.
For the last nine and a half weeks, I’ve replayed that night over and over again. Walking in and seeing the room that I thought belonged to King only to find out that King was Malik. The feeling of being watched, the nickname that King called me but coming from Malik’s mouth that I never really paid much attention to. All of those little moments that I should have put together, but naively wrote off, hit me like a ton of bricks and knocked the wind out of me.
All I could think to do was run. I didn’t see any way for him to explain away what he had done. He betrayed my trust. He went against the one thing he always promised to do; protect me.
I was so blinded by anger that there was nothing he could say or do in that moment to keep me from running. In all honesty, I’m still angry. But the time apart has allowed me to think about his actions. I’m still not okay with all that happened, but there are some that, knowing his childhood, make sense.
It also helps that my mother is a social worker and she explained to me what abandonment and fear and violence can do to a child. Because of that, I opened my mind to at least giving him the time he has begged for to tell me his truth. I’m not saying that it will change my feelings in any way, but I’ll listen and make some decisions after.
I can’t deny that my feelings for him exist in a tumultuous storm. The love I feel in my heart is real and true. However fast it happened, it’s the real thing. I know this because I’ve loved before and it’s a feeling that can’t be mistaken once it’s recognized. What gets me is the hold that Malik’s love has on me.
I felt Gene’s love in my heart, but Malik’s grips my soul. So quickly, he became entwined in my entire being.He began to flow through my veins and live in my mind. Maybe it’s the reason why I never put two and two together between Malik and King. Even though I was in King’s“presence”, it was Malik’s face I saw. He was always there, whether I realized it or not, lurking in the shadows. Figuratively and literally.
It’s the reason why, no matter how hard I tried over the last few months, he wouldn’t leave me. The nights were lonelier without his arms around me. The quiet was so loud I couldn’t hear myself think. Food didn’t taste the same, and movies didn’t make me smile. The real kicker is that it wasn’t only me suffering. Dahlia missed him, too.
