Page 36 of Trussed In Hope
“I love you, too,” he whispered. “Merry Christmas, Queen.”
I rolled on top of him and kissed his full lips. “Merry Christmas.”
Then I spent all morning making sure he felt how good we were together.
Emberlynn’s head rested on my chest, tickling my skin as the rise and fall of her breathing slowed. My arm was wrapped around her, my hand resting low on her hip, keeping her close. The room was quiet, lit only by the dim glow of the lamp, but her voice broke through the stillness. Thick with sleep as she’d just awakened.
“What do you dream about? Those nightmares that either keep you awake or that you tussle with when your eyes are closed.” She asked softly, her words feather-light, like she wasn’t sure if I’d answer.
I stared up at the ceiling for a long moment, my throat thick. Most nights, I buried the truth. Changed the subject. Smiled, kissed, distracted. But tonight, with her heartbeat pressed against me, there wasn’t anywhere to hide.
“I dream about Barrett,” I said finally, my voice rougher than I intended.
Her head lifted slightly, just enough for her eyes to meet mine. She didn’t interrupt, just waited.
“We were on a mission overseas. Classified. We’d gone dark for days, working to get a sergeant out—Raya’s mother.” I paused, the memory clawing at me, still sharp, still raw. “She’d been trapped over there for years, buried under layers of intel, forgotten by the very people who sent her. We found her, and it was my job to bring her home. Get her away from the people who held her hostage.”
I swallowed hard. My chest tightened like it always did when the dream came back. “Extraction was waiting for us—a chopperjust over a clearing. But to get there, we had to break cover. Open ground, no protection. You run and pray the enemy’s slower than your legs, that’s it.”
Emberlynn’s fingers traced absent patterns on my ribs, chest, and arms, grounding me in the present, but my head was already back there.
“I sprinted. Made it halfway across before the crack of a rifle split the air.” My hand tightened reflexively against her hip. “The bullet hit me in the thigh—tore right through. Dropped me face-first into the dirt. That’s where the scar came from. I can still smell the iron in the soil, the dust, my own blood. Feel the piercing stick and glass.”
Her breath caught, but she stayed quiet. Listening.
“I tried to push myself up, to crawl or even drag, anything to keep moving because the chopper blades were pounding nearby, my men were screaming, and I knew if I stopped, we were done. But I couldn’t. Men left that chopper to come and pick me up, take me to the chopper and get me to safety.”
I closed my eyes, Barrett’s face flashing in my mind. Hurt. Strong. Alive.
“Barrett was behind me. He was my brother—SEAL through and through. He’d covered me more times than I could count. That day, I thought he’d make it out, too. I heard him shout my name, and I turned just in time to see the round tear through his chest.” My voice cracked, low and harsh. “One second he was there, the next he was falling. I couldn’t reach him. Couldn’t carry him. Couldn’t save him.”
The silence in the room was deafening, broken only by my unsteady breathing.
“In my dreams, I try.” My jaw clenched so hard it ached. “Every damn time I try. I run back for him. I throw myself over him. I drag him through the clearing. I do everything I didn’t do in reality. And every single time, he dies. Repeatedly. My bodywakes up drenched in sweat, heart pounding like I’m still there. Because no matter how many times I replay it, Barrett doesn’t make it. I fail him. Every. Damn. Time.”
My hand raked through my hair as I let out a shuddering breath. “We saved Raya’s mom that day. I’m proud of that. But we lost Barrett. And that loss… it never leaves me. Not when I’m awake. Not when I close my eyes.”
Emberlynn’s fingers pressed against my chest, right over my heart. She kissed the spot gently, her lips warm against my skin. No words. Just presence. Just love. I let the silence after the story sit. Didn’t fill it. Didn’t hide from it. Just let myself feel the weight of it—with her holding me through it.
Then she did the most selfless thing she could have done. She removed the blanket from my body and kissed over the scars on my thigh. Every cut, rigid line, then she kissed over my stomach and the light scarring there from light scars from random missions. Last, she kissed over the scar on my face, then she caressed it softly.
“Thank you for sacrificing yourself to get Raya’s mother to safety. For living to tell Barrett’s story. More than any of that, thank you for being so brave, baby. For seeing everything that you’ve had to witness to keep this nation safe. I’m sorry that you lost Barrett, but I’m happy that you had him in your life for as long as you did. Remembering the golden brotherhood between you and him has to be heavy. The love you have for him… I’m so happy that you feel it so deeply that you want to change the past. If he loved you half as much, then I know he wouldn’t want you to keep torturing yourself. He’d want you to honor him differently. Whenever you’re ready to do that, let me know, and if there is something I can do for you, I will.”
I nodded because my throat was so thick with grief and sorrow that I couldn’t speak. Emberlynn’s love surrounded me, and that made it that much more difficult not to feel the weightof this conversation. I pulled her mouth to mine and held her by her neck to keep her in place. She melted into me, letting me control the kiss. I didn’t hide the tears streaming down my face, and she didn’t point them out. Instead, we kissed until we were both breathless.
Unsure of what to do, because I was feeling everything that she’d said, the story that was Barrett’s truth, and also the weight of how much I cared for her. It was too much. Emberlynn sat beside me and pulled my head into her bosom, the warmest embrace. It broke me, shattering everything inside me that wanted to fight for strength. I couldn’t stop the sob that burst free. I wrapped my arms around her, and she stroked my shoulders as I let go of it all.
The fears… the regrets… the hatred…
He wasn’t here. I was.
“It’s okay to live, King. Everyday make sure that you give it your all for him.”
I nodded hard, understanding the assignment.
Barrett, I’ll never forget you, brother. Don’t worry, the rest of our brothers took them down. We made it right, man. We did. We fucking did.
Then every thought faded out as I cried harder, letting everything I felt out. Right here in the arms of my woman. Afterward, when she was asleep, I made a call.
