Page 47 of Trussed In Hope
“She was in a bind today, and I helped her out. It was busy. Chaotic. And I held it together while she saw her patients. The phone, make sure everybody got what they needed. I felt as if I was accomplishing something. She asked me to come aboard. We discussed the licensing issue and the fact that it could easily take nine months or longer to get my license transferred. It sounds like she's willing to wait it out if I come to work in the office in the meantime. I'm seriously considering it.”
“Uh huh.” I couldn’t read his expression, so I continued speaking, more out of anxiety than anything else.
“I know we discussed me staying until after New Year's, but what if I don't leave and just move into town? Would you be alright with that?”
“In town…”
“Why do you keep saying that? Yes, in town.” I sighed and removed my arms from his neck. “If you don't want me here, just say that. I thought we agreed to say what we thought or wanted without worrying about what the other person thinks. Was I wrong?”
“I am saying what's wrong.” He countered.
“You aren't. You just keep saying,in town. Like I'm supposed to know what it means!” I sighed in frustration, not able to feellike we were on two different pages. Were we not trying to build something here?
“Watch your tone. I didn't throw a fit when you waltzed in here talking about moving into town instead of moving in here. So, chill and talk to me the same way I'm talking to you.”
“Wait, what?” I swallowed. “So you're upset because I'm not moving in here?”
“That's what I said.” He nodded.
“That's …” I shook my head, laughing. “That's not what I thought you were saying.”
“Obviously,” he mumbled.
“I can't.” I swallowed.
“Why can't you?” Hardison pulled away completely and folded his arms.
“I appreciate the offer. However, moving in so soon makes me feel… feel…” I tried to think of a better word than the one that was threatening to spill from my lips, but I couldn't. “Trapped. Stuck.”
Hardison’s eyes widened. “Stuck?”
“Listen, I want this to work out between us. But I can't move in here when we're still learning one another. I know everything else has moved really fast, but I want to be sure about our future before we shack up. This vacation arrangement was never supposed to be permanent. As backward as it sounds, I want to enjoy the courtship process. I want my space away from you. More than anything else, I want to be with you because I want to, not because I was forced to.”
“Do you feel forced now?” Hardison's shoulders dropped a little more, indicating to me that the more I spoke, the more defeated he was becoming.
“Now, I'm still on my trip. The mindset is different.”
“But you can't sleep in a different room than me.” His forehead bunched up as he tried to make sense of it.
“True, but that's because when I travel back to Ohio, I won't have any access to you physically. I'm trying to soak up as much of you as I can.”
“Back to Ohio…” Hardison repeated.
“We both knew I'd have to return at some point, right?” Or at least I knew.
Hardison nodded once and then turned to the stove. He removed a kind of casserole and put it on top of the counter near the sink. He pulled the salad from the refrigerator and put it up there as well. Then he wiped down his work area and made sure everything was put away. After he was sure things were how he wanted them, he took off his apron and turned to me.
“I'm going to get air. I don't want you to eat late, so help yourself. I'll eat once I'm back.” He kissed my forehead and moved toward the door, where he put on his boots.
“Hardison…”
He didn't turn my way when he spoke. “Not now. We can try again tomorrow. I need a minute.” Once his shoes were on, he grabbed his keys and exited the house, closing the door firmly behind him.
“Well, fuck…” I sighed. “That hadn't gone the way I wanted it at all.”
I looked around the house from my vantage point and felt more alone than ever. If this is how it felt to speak your needs, I know why I didn't do it in the past. Pushing myself off the counter, I made my plate and went to sit in front of the TV. I turned on a Christmas movie and pulled a blanket over me. Not starving now, I nibbled on my food. It was delicious, but not knowing what was going to happen left me in a state of unease. So instead of eating, I cuddled the nearby pillow and focused on the movie.
It's not that I don't want you, Hardison.
