Page 76 of Loving the Sinner
I want to live my life free of guilt and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
“Hey baby, you okay?” Wes asks, nudging my knee with his. I’m working from his place today. He’s been a little weird lately, like he has something he wants to say to me but won’t, so I’m hoping the more I’m around him the more likely he is to get whatever’s on his chest, off of it.
“Yeah, sorry. Just stressing about our trip. I don’t know why I thought bringing you into that chaos was a good idea. They’re going to be so mean to you. I don’t even know why I’m bothering going back.” I slump back,abandoning the task I wasn’t even paying attention to.
Wes grabs my laptop and sets it aside, then brings my feet to his lap and starts to massage them. I love it when he does this.
“Let’s walk through it together. You’re going because you love Spencer, and you want him to know he’s supported. I’m going because you love me, and you want me to meet some important people in your life. Right?”
I nod. He’s right. I want him to meet my siblings and Hannah. If I thought Emma, the third part of our cousin trio, would be there, I’d love for him to meet her too, but she rarely comes back to Utah anymore.
I don’t blame her one bit for that. Her family is crazier than mine.
“I’m used to people being judgy and rude to me for my looks, baby. I’ve done the therapy, and I’m secure in who I am. Some judgmental family members aren’t going to change the way I feel about myself, or you.”
“You’ve been to therapy?” How did I not know that?
“Yeah.” He shrugs, “After Keith, my mom, my grams, and Shelby, I decided if I ever wanted to be happy I needed to work through the trauma of everything. Jess found me someone and I spent the better part of a year bawling my eyes out and working through the junk. It sometimes still gets me, the trauma. And the anxiety gets really bad sometimes, but it’s pretty controllable with medication. I’m a lot better at coping with things now. Instead of never trying to tell you how I felt because I thought I wasn’t worthy, I just took a little longer with it. I was terrified that you’d reject me, but the possibility of you wanting me back outweighed my self-esteem issues and doubts. And it was so worth it in the end.” He finishes with a dramatic wink.
“Wow. I never thought about that. I’m glad you were able to work through things. And I’m glad you made a move, because saying yes to you was the easiest thing I’ve ever done.” I lean up and give him a gentle kiss on the lips.
“Have you ever considered therapy for your trauma?” He asks.
“I don’t have trauma, so no.”
He gives me a disbelieving look. “Elli. You grew up in a high demand religion where your every thought and action was dictated by men or your mother. You were parentified as a child, and your two serious relationships belittled you and made you think there was something wrong withyou.That’s a lot to go through, baby.”
Well when you put it that way…
“You’re right. I probably do need therapy. I remember growing up, if I was depressed or anxious, I was told that I needed to be reading my scriptures and praying more. So I just ignored it and ‘tried harder’ to be more spiritual.”
Wes pulls me into his lap and starts running his fingers up and down my spine. I used to worry I would crush him if I did this, but I’ve learned not to protest because Wes loves the weight of me on him.
“You have gone through a lot, baby. And I’m proud of you for breaking free. You deserve to feel at peace for your decisions, and I’ll support you anyway I can.”
“Thank you. That means a lot.” I turn my head and kiss him, trying to show all of my appreciation in the kiss. It’s slow, languid, sensual. And I can tell he’s holding back because we just had a vulnerable moment and he doesn’t want to push me.
“Okay baby. You have an hour left of work, then I’ll help you take your mind off of everything for a little bit. But you’re not getting paid to fuck me, so back to it.” He says with a pinch on my butt.
I slide off of him and resume my task for the next hour, and as soon as the clock hits three and I close my laptop, he’s kneeling in front of me, spreading my legs.
He taps my thigh, and I raise my butt so he can take off my lounge shorts. He groans when he finds me bare beneath them.
“All day you’ve been without panties? Naughty.” He tsks.
“I was in a rush to get over here last night and forgot to pack some.” I explain as his thumbs spread my pussy lips.
“Oh I’m not complaining one bit. As far as I’m concerned, you don’t need to wear anything around me.” He smirks, then kisses up my thighs, nibbling gently on the dimpled skin.
“Good-oh fuck-good to know.” The last word comes out as a moan as his tongue circles my clit. Guess we’re not playing around today.
As he continues his ministrations on my clit, one of his fingers circles my entrance and slowly pushes inside me. Then another follows.
He crooks it just right, putting pressure on my g-spot and then picks up the pace with his tongue and his fingers until an orgasm crashes over me so suddenly, but he doesn’t stop his relentless pace.
“Wes, stop, I think I need to pee.” I panic.
But he doesn’t stop, and then another, stronger orgasm creeps up. My entire body tingles with the pending release and I explode. Literally.
