Page 25 of Loving the Sinner
“I told her I’d be willing to move to Utah for school.” Luke chimes in.
“Yes, but Elli lives here now, so it would make more sense for me to move in with her and go to school here than for you to have to move and find housing in Utah.”Izzy boops Luke’s nose like he’s a silly little kid, and he preens at her attention.
He really is like a touch starved cat with her. I haven’t seen himnottouch her since that first night we were here. Right now, he’s got his arm wrapped around her waist while he eats with one hand.
I still think their love is sickly sweet, but I know if I were able to touch Elli like that, I’d never let my hand leave her either.
“Izzy, I love you with all my heart, but Ijustmoved out and got into my own space. I’ve shared a room with you for sixteen years, I don’t want to share with you anymore.” Elli says.
Elli takes a bite out of the eclair after she’s finished talking and the cream filling spills out all over her lips, and there’s a chocolate streak on her top lip when she pulls away. She uses her tongue to swipe at the cream and chocolate and makes a little humming noise, just like when she bit the strawberry, and my pants get a little bit tighter.
Fuck, why does her eating make me so hot and bothered?
“Oh wow, this is really good. Does anyone want to try it?” She offers the pastry around.
Izzy and Luke say no, and Ishouldsay no, I’m not a sweets guy. But I want to taste what she’s tasting. I want to put my mouth where hers has been, so I say yes. She brings the eclair to my lips and I take a bite, never breaking the eye contact we’ve locked ourselves into. The sweetness explodes on my tongue and it’s not my favorite flavor, but I imagine this is what Elli’s lips would taste like if I were to kiss her right now and I stifle a groan.
“So?” Elli asks, her cheeks pink. Though I can’t tell if it’s from the humid Texas heat or watching me eat the pastry.
“Delicious.” But I’m looking at her lips. Her eyes dart down to my own, like she’s thinking the same thing I am.
Like she wants to taste me as much as I want to taste her.
“I think if we can share a room for sixteen years, we can share an entire apartment.” Izzy breaks whatever trance Elli and I were under.
Elli doesn’t miss a beat. “I know wecanbut I don’twantto.”
Izzy huffs. “I’ll convince you in the next year. Don’t you worry.”
Elli shakes her head. “No, you won’t. But you’re welcome to try. I’m not opposed to accepting bribes.”
Izzy sticks her tongue out at Elli and pretends to pout, but Luke says something in her ear that makes her giggle. Once again, they’re in their own little bubble. The rest of the world doesn’t exist to these two kids who have found their person at such a young age.
A pang of yearning shoots through me and the dread
I’ve kept buried deep down starts to creep into my
mind like a dark cloud, making me wonder if I’ll ever have love again. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever be enough for someone, if I even have enough to offer someone.
Will I ever find someone who fully gets me, and wants me with all my dark parts? Will I ever find someone who’ll be supportive of my dreams and not just entertain them as some unachievable thing? Will I ever gross out my friends with how in love I am?
The clouds in my head start getting darker, and I think back to if I’ve been taking my meds the way I’m supposed to. I may have skipped a day or two. I need to get back on track.
“Good thing I’ve finished eating or I would lose my appetite.” Elli mumbles at my side.
When I focus on her, the clouds don’t seem so dark. The dread doesn’t seem so heavy. I feel a little bit of hope, that even if we’ll never have a romantic relationship, maybe this is the start of a beautiful friendship.
Chapter 12
Elli
Ibarely slept last night; my mind was racing in a million different directions. Izzy asked what happened with Wes when they dropped us off after lunch, so I told her about the box and about wanting to leave the religion we grew up in. She was understandably shocked and full of questions, but she wasn’t mad and she promised not to tell our parents. What I didn’t expect is for her to want to know everything that I disagreed with. I didn’t want to sway her in a specific direction, so I told her if she wants to research things herself, I will be happy to discuss it with her.
Izzy didn’t like that answer. But if I know her, she’ll go research things herself. I think she’s always had a few doubts, just like me, but I don’t want to push her to follow my example.
She asked if it meant that I was going to “dress cool” now that I didn’t have to follow modesty standards.
I told her I haven’t made a decision on that yet.
