Page 31 of Husband Material
She shuddered, her head wilting in defeat.
"And yet, how wrong I was. The longer I spent with him, the more I whittled away into nothing. I became bone thin, quiet, depressed. We would drink just to get through the day. And his temper grew worse and worse and worse. He manipulated me to get me stealing with him, only I was not nearly as good. I got caught. Several times."
Her head lifted. In her eyes burned a defiant fire so hot I'm sure my skin was being singed.
"You want to know the worst thing?" Her voice hitched. "When they arrested me on my fourth straight offense and finally sentenced me, I was glad. I was glad to escape him. Since he didn't have visiting privileges, I was free of him for months. And then when I got out…" Her shoulders slumped. Her voice went flat. "He came for me. He came for me and took me…and I let him. All the while I had been in the detention center, I had sworn to myself that things would be different when I got out. ThatIwould be different. And then, one look in those tender eyes of his and I crumbled."
Her hand had found mine and was gripping so tightly, as if it were the last lifeline keeping her sane.
"That night, sleep never came for me. Instead, my mind was swarming with regret—swallowed by a sudden wave of realizing thatthis was it. If I stayed here with him like this, I was not going to survive it. Even before, I had been having suicidal thoughts, but now…" She shook her head firmly. "Now, this time there would be no escaping it."
Her breathing had amped up, had taken over her whole body, all rising in heavy inhalations and exhalations. Suddenly, her head snapped to face me, and she shuddered as if the memories still terrified her.
"So, I left. I packed my bags and I walked out the door. I took the first jet I could to the US. New York City. Where I had always dreamed of going as a little girl; and my dreams finally came true. Sure, I had to go into crazy debt on my MasterCard to afford the flight, but I did it. I was gone."
Now her face had taken on a shining, luminous quality. This girl was magnificent. So young, so much heartache, yet so strong and resilient. How could I not have known I loved her?
"It must have been only a few weeks in New York, when I got word from an old friend that Henri was on his way. Most likely, he heard me wax poetic about the city enough times to correctly figure if I was going to go anywhere, it was there. So, I left again."
A grim smile.
"In the airport, the one place that sounded charming and warm and yet I'd never heard of, was Charleston. So, I took a flight, and the rest is history."
Her body rigid, she looked as anguished as she had before she'd told her story.
I stroked a finger over her wrist tattoo and traced over the bird. And as I suspected she might, she answered my question without having to ask it.
"The sparrow is for freedom. That was what I learned from all of this. That the most important thing for me, and for my life, is freedom. Without it, there is nothing. I saw it on a poster in New York. The sparrow, the words.N’oublie jamais."
Her two fingers swirled in a circular motion over her tattoo as she murmured, "Never forget."
Stillness. Somewhere nearby, a bird twittered. I realized in an instant, the only thing her story had done was emphasize what I already knew. Giselle was it for me.My girl.
Slipping my arm around her, I eased her up. I steered us toward the balcony door I'd noticed while she was telling her story. Fitting. Like certain themes in our relationship—strawberries, public gardens—balcony talks were in there too.
Giselle snapped, "That is it? You have nothing to say?"
I squeezed her hand and drew her forward. "I have so much to say."
Once we were outside, a few breaths of fresh air helped me focus my thoughts and the words I wanted to say. Somehow, I managed to find myself in France chasing after a girl I barely knew, yet also loved with all my heart. Had I completely lost it?No, you haven't. You've found it.
A blue wooden bench with chipping paint was my only option so I sat and faced her. Giselle wouldn't quite look at me, but she wasn't looking away either.
"I'm sorry about all that happened to you with losing your mom…and Henri. But if you think that changes how I feel about you, then you're out of luck."
Her eyes flickered over to fix on me.
"When I met you, Gi, you threw me so hard and so far, it was like a wave crashing over me with no warning at all. It had something to do with your easy manner…your smiles…your accent…how hours with you would flash by in a second—and it also had nothing to do with that." It was painful, getting these words out, but saying them was like finally expelling a simmering sickness that had been inside me for a long time. "All this time, I kept trying to play us down. Thinking that we were just a summer fling and nothing more. I never stopped to really think about my growing feelings for you because…Ididn'twant to acknowledge them. I was familiar with meaningless hookups. I'd just left a serious relationship that had crashed and burned. Iwasclosed-off when I met you. Part of me hoped that our time together was just more of the same meaningless shit, so it'd be easier when it was over."
My hand found hers and pulled her down to my lap. I kissed her hair and inhaled again, loving that she was in my arms again. I'd never get enough of her scent—flowers and sunshine and goodness.
"And yet, part of me knew thatwasn'tthe case. Things were different with you. Painfully so at times, as you pulled me out of the darkness and into the sunlight with your sincerity and laughter and joy. I never expected for this to happen to me…and yet…" I turned her face to mine as I spoke my next words. "It did.Youhappened."
I tapped her lower lip with my finger. "You caught me. Like a fish in a net. The instant you stepped out of my life it disintegrated to dust. That first night after you left…the thought of sleeping without you, or not seeing you laugh again, or never hearing you speak French to me when we made love…was too much to bear. It wasallyou. You, who made me love my life again. You, who cracked open the rigid structure I'd built around myself and showed me there were possibilities for something I'd barely dared to hope for."
Giselle's eyes were luminous, frightened almost as she asked, "What was it you barely dared to hope for?"
"Love. Finding someone to love who would also love me."
