Page 62 of Coming Home to Winter Island
Chapter Thirty-six
Much later that night, or maybe early the following morning, we finally close the computer and wearily but happily make our way upstairs. We guide Hector to his bedroom, where Lachlan helps him into bed. The rain is hammering down outside and the wind is rattling the window frames, just like the first night I arrived here. I look at the fire in my room. It’s dead. Since I agreed to stay on and help find the gin recipe, it’s been lit every night, and a hot-water bottle in my bed too.
There’s a knock at my door. Lachlan’s head appears.
‘I haven’t lit the fire,’ he says, concerned.
‘Oh, it’s fine, I’m going straight to bed,’ I say, and wave a hand at it.
He looks at me for a moment.
‘Goodnight, Ruby,’
‘Goodnight, Lachlan.’
He hesitates. ‘You okay? Joe, your boyfriend? Has he forgiven you?’
I look up at him, seeing the concern on his face. Then I take a deep breath and let it out as I say flatly, ‘We finished.’
‘Oh God, Rubes, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for—’
‘It’s fine. It was the right thing. Ever since I got here, I’ve realised how little we have in common. I mean, we have “the plan”.’ I use my fingers to do inverted commas. ‘Getting the contract, buying the flat, et cetera, et cetera. But actually, what I came to understand is that he’s all about life plans and not about living. I could never have seen him fitting in here. Joe likes his smart shoes and tailored suits. You’d never have got him in a pair of second-hand wellies!’ And we both give a small laugh.
‘You’re sure you’re okay?’ says Lachlan.
‘I may not be right now, but I’m sure I will be,’ I say, and smile.
‘Goodnight then,’ he says.
‘Goodnight, Lachlan,’ and I shut the door and listen to his footsteps as they walk slowly away and up the stairs.
I get into bed and push the hot-water bottle down to my feet, almost scalding them. I shiver and pull the covers around me, listening to the sounds of Lachlan moving around overhead. But even once it’s quiet, I can’t fall asleep. I think about the video, how singing on the beach made me feel. I think about the crowdfunding page. I think about Jess asking if I still want to be in the band. I think about the silence in our band group chat. I haven’t heard from any of them in a while. Have they made another group without me? Has the space I used to fill been filled by someone else? And then I think about Joe telling me we’re over unless I go straight home. I think about our conversation earlier this evening.
‘I’m not coming back yet, Joe,’ I told him. ‘I have to finish what I started. I have to do this for Hector, but for me too. I need to be here to...well, to find the missing piece of me, I suppose.’
‘I have no idea what you’re talking about. You’ve lied to me, Rubes! Made me look an idiot in front of everyone – the band, my family. We had a plan. You just had to stick to it and we’d have had it all.’
‘No,’ I said quietly. ‘Youhad a plan, Joe. You had it all mapped out. You had my life mapped out.’
‘And you were happy with that!’ he shouted.
‘But now I’m taking the scenic route, and I realise that there’s so much more out there.’
‘I meant what I said, Rubes. If you and I are going to get back to where we were, you need to come home, now!’
I took a deep breath. ‘No, Joe, I won’t be coming home yet.’
‘You’re not...’ he spluttered. ‘I mean it, Rubes. You can’t get anywhere in life without drive. Maybe you should take a leaf out of Lulu’s book. She’s going to do really well.’
I know he meant to hurt me, but instead I just felt pleased for her.
‘I’m glad to hear that, Joe. And I hope it brings her happiness. Happiness is so much more than waiting for what’s around the corner. It’s enjoying what’s happening right now. And I’m living in the now, not for what might happen tomorrow.’
‘Well...’ he spluttered again. ‘That won’t be with me, then!’ And he ended the call, as if slamming the door shut on four years of my life.
It’s over. Joe and me are over. It’s sad, but I know it’s the right thing. We were never going to grow old together. We were never going to last the distance once my band days were finished. I realised that the day Hector told us about proposing to Mairead. Joe never proposed to me; it was more like a business plan. But love and marriage isn’t a business plan; it’s about the memories you make together. I couldn’t conjure up any of the memories Joe and I had made, only the plans for when I got the record deal. I couldn’t even remember how his kiss felt. But I know I’ll never forget the kiss I shared with Lachlan, or the oysters and gin on the beach.
I listen to the rain against the window pane, feeling very much like I’m living in the moment, and feel a strange sense of relief wash over me. It’s over. I think about texting the band group chat, but have no idea what to say, what GIF to send to explain how I feel.
