Page 88 of My Lemon Grove Summer
‘Yes, Zeld,’ he says, preoccupied, checking little jobs that need finishing up, making a mental list, not really listening to me. Or not wanting to, I think. But I have to be sure.
He leads me upstairs and I follow, into the bedroom, what will be our bedroom.
‘You’re happy that we’re getting married in a few days?’ I ask him directly.
‘Yes, yes, of course!’ He smiles and looks at me, then glances around the room. ‘This is what we agreed. It’s what we signed up for. Look,’ he throws out an arm to the view. ‘This is why we came here. I don’t want to go back now, do you? I love it here. Everyone is excited about the wedding. Everything’s fine.’
I say nothing and bite my lip. Fine again! But he’s right. It’s a bit late for thinking about all this now. A lot of people are depending on us marrying on Saturday. A town that has been dying is finally coming back to life and wants to celebrate. How can I take that away from them?
I glance at Lennie, and he gives me a quizzical look. I stare firmly at him. If we’re going to make this work, we need to ‘forsake all others’, I think. I need to forget all about Luca, and I need to know Lennie wants to be with me. I need to know that it really is going to be fine.
We’re standing on the balcony. I take hold of his elbows and he looks at me as if wondering what I’m doing. Then I place his hands on my waist. He starts to shift uncomfortably, but he doesn’t run. He does look nervous, though. But I have to do this if we are to marry. I have to know that he wants this.
I move in closer, positioning my feet between his, and then look at his chest. I breathe in his familiar smell and slowly look up, hoping for something to ignite, for the slow-cooked meal to finally be the tasty feast it’s been promising. I lift my chin towards him, trying to take in his face. We are standing in the house that is about to be our home. The setting couldn’t be more perfect. I reach up. Understanding what I’m doing, he leans down, jerkily. I go to tilt my head, to miss his nose; he tilts his the same way. We both tilt it back the other way whilst moving in to each other’s lips, and knock noses.
‘Sorry.’
‘Sorry.’
We both apologise and check our noses. Then I take a breath and we look at each other and move in again, more slowly this time. I tilt to the left, and he follows by tilting to the right, and then my stomach rumbles, reminding me it’s nearly lunchtime. I put my hand on it and we both laugh a little. It is funny, after all. And love and lovemaking should be fun. It’ll be okay, I think.
Eventually our lips meet and touch and stay there. He has lovely soft lips, but I know we can’t just stop here; there has to be more to it. And then to my shame, I remember the kiss with Luca, and how he moved in deeper, our lips parting and the tips of our tongues meeting, wanting to explore, and as my lips begin to part now, it feels like . . . I’m kissing cold custard!
Suddenly there’s a shout. I open my eyes to see that Lennie’s are already open; I wonder if in fact they’ve been shut at all. His eyebrows shoot up and his eyes look from left to right and then fall quickly away from me, turning in the direction of the shout, and I swear he puts the back of his hand to his lips where mine just were. He seems flustered, almost blushing. Then he smiles, and I see the look on his face, and now I know for sure. It is the look I have yearned for all these years, and tried to find, and hoped I could live without, giving it up for a contented life with Lennie. I know that look because I tasted it briefly, the moment I met Luca.
So that’s why Lennie has been so out of sorts. He’s in love with Matteo! Now what? Without a wedding, the locals are convinced Etna will blow again. The town and the people I have come to care about. Città d’Oro has finally been allowed to come back to life, only to be threatened with extinction all over again.
Outside, Matteo turns on his heel and walks off. Luca goes to call after him, over the balcony, but then turns back to me, torn in two, knowing he can’t follow. Instinctively, we hug each other tightly.
‘It’ll be all right, Zeld, it’ll be okay,’ he tries to reassure me, but I know it won’t. How can it be? But there’s nothing we can do now.
Chapter Fifty
I walk back through the lemon groves. The town is a hive of activity. Fences are being pulled down, weeds are being uprooted, hosepipes and watering systems are gently feeding the soil; even watering cans are being filled and poured, reviving the starved plants. Everyone waves and wishes me luck for the wedding with a huge smile on their face. They all look happy; all except Etna, who glowers in the distance, smoke rising from her peak.
The square looks amazing. I know Sherise and Valerie have been working hard, but there now seem to be even more flowers there, and I think Carina may have had something to do with that. There are extra fairy lights all around the square itself and bunting leading up the steps to the town hall, where Lennie and I will walk to make our marriage official with Giuseppe.
Rocca and Harry trot happily at my heels, having waited patiently for me outside while I spoke to Lennie. Luca asked me in his note to take care of the dogs, so they have moved over to Il Limoneto with us. I take my time walking through the trees, breathing in the scents as I did when I walked and talked with Luca. Am I doing the right thing? I wish Luca was here to talk to. I know he’d understand. I love Lennie, but I’m not in love with him. I love him like a brother, and Valerie like a mother. But I also love the town and my life here. I can’t let them down. This is my home now.
I brush my hands against the long grass and across the lemon blossom, letting the scent fill the path that I’m walking. I think about Luca’s note, in which he wishes me all the luck in the world but tells me he can’t stay because he can’t watch me marry another man. I wonder where he is now. Did he go to Milan to try and find work as a designer, or maybe to get back in touch with his ex there? Or maybe Emily has tracked him down now that she knows he’s left the town and is free to marry whoever he likes.
My heart feels as heavy as my feet as I trudge over the newly turned soil, carrying my wedding dress in its bag over my arm. Luca’s gift to me to wish me luck with my future, whilst he walks away from what he thought might have been his.
Chapter Fifty-one
‘Oh, it’s just stunning! Oh Zelda love, I couldn’t be more proud!’ says Valerie, her eyes brimming with tears. She brushes them away, but they just keep coming, and she wipes her hands down her hips, swathed in mother-of-the-groom pleats.
‘I don’t think you’ll need that jacket, Valerie. You’ll be boiling. This is summer in Sicily, not Cardiff registry office,’ I say, distracting myself from the many thoughts tumbling through my mind and sounding much sharper than I meant to. I bite my tongue and look back at myself in the mirror. I’m standing in our bedroom in Il Limoneto, beside the open window. It’s Saturday. Just two hours, nineteen minutes and eighteen seconds until I’m married to Lennie, forsaking all others, till death us do part.
I feel like everything is at odds. I feel like I am the person I should be in the dress, yet part of me is missing. I run my hand over the verdello-coloured ribbon. Valerie is looking at me, and I suddenly try and busy myself. This should be the happiest day of my life, and hers. I’m marrying her son, after all.
‘Here, love, sit down, let’s get this flower in your hair,’ she says, taking me by the shoulders and guiding me to the little stool in front of the mottled mirror, and I wonder if this is where Giuseppe’s mother sat before she got married too.
Valerie looks over my shoulder at my reflection in the mirror and holds my gaze. Then she picks up a hairbrush and runs it through my hair, saying over-brightly, ‘I remember the hours before I got married. I’ll remember them as long as I live. It was the most exciting time of my life,’ and I see her watching me, almost as if she’s testing me and how I feel. ‘Everyone told me not to marry him, that he was too old for me. Twenty years my senior. But I didn’t care. I knew he was the one, I knew it in my heart. And he was. I was madly in love with him from the moment I saw him, and that never changed.’
‘But how did you know, how did you know it wouldn’t change? How did you know you weren’t just being impulsive?’
‘You don’t. You just have to trust your instincts. You may be impulsive, Zelda, but your instincts have always been right. You know your own heart.’
