Page 74 of Savannah Royals
“When was the last ‘sometime?’”
This, I don’t want to answer. I really, really don’t. But he stares me down with those trusting ice-blue eyes, and I make my decision. If I’m going down tonight, I’m going to do it in a blaze of truthful glory.
“My birthday,” I confess. “But…but just as friends. It doesn’t mean what you think it does. Honest.”
“Christ, Kat, that was only three weeks ago! That’s what you do with yourfriends?”
He closes his eyes, and I know I’ve hurt him. He picks up his whiskey and takes a big, gulping swallow.
I’m not sure how to make him understand. Not without going back to the beginning, like he originally asked.
So I do. The story pours out of me in a desperate cascade.
“Matthew, I’ve known Abe since I was six years old. I met him the day I found my mom dead on the floor of the Catacombs.” The words come in a rush, tripping over one another in the haste to purge. “I lost the only family I’d known, but I built myself a new one. With Abe and someone else.” I omit Tony because I’m afraid to admit there’s four of us, worried he’ll figure me out.
Three men and one woman…from the Catacombs…the four wolves…
“The three of us did everything together. We had to learn how to survive, and we kept each other alive. We were just kids, but we had no one. We became each other’s everything. And we made it through every day together. Abe and the other boy, they took care of me.” I fight to keep my voice steady. “They made sure I was fed every day…and when it was cold at night, they held me and kept me warm and made me believe tomorrow would come. That we would be fine.”
Matthew stays quiet, listening. His expression is grieved.
“We were closer to each other than most blood-related families can ever claim to be. They were—and still are—my everything. They’re myfamily, Matt. And as we got older and those cold nights came around, we started doing…other things to stay warm.” My cheeks turn red.
“Allthreeof you? Together?” He’s wide-eyed now, a crack finally showing in his veneer.
“Yes.” I throw the admission out as bravely as I can.
He only misses half a beat before giving a shaky laugh. “Well…at least I understand now why pecks on the lips didn’t do nearly enough for you.”
“You don’t have to do that, Matt. You don’t have to pretend to be comfortable. I know you’re not. Thisisuncomfortable, but I want to be honest with you. I want to do it in a way that maybe, possibly, you can understand. I’m not some fast and loose vamp. I’ve only ever slept with two people, and they’re the two people I love the most in this world.”
Matthew nods slowly. “I don’t think you’re a vamp, Kat. I think you had a very difficult life. You had difficult choices, and you did your best with them. I don’t know what it feels like to love people outside your immediate blood family the way you do, so I’m hardly in a position to judge how you navigate it.”
“Abe and I really are just friends—family—at the end of the day. I swear. We’re friends who happen to have chemistry, and sometimes, we end up on the make. As just another way to express how we feel about each other, how much we love each other. I care about Abe immensely, but not the way I care about you. It’s not the same type of love, if that makes sense?”
“I think it might,” he says cautiously.
“I’m not going to be with him again. Not that way, not anymore. You have my word.”
“But what about the other guy?” Matthew says, the question soft. “He’s the real problem, isn’t he? You haven’t said much about him. It’s because he’s more than just a friend to you, isn’t he?”
“He is,” I admit. “We’ve been together since I was thirteen. I’ve known him since before I can remember.”
“Are you still seeing him?”
“I do still see him. Though much less often than I see you.”
“Small consolation.”
I don’t say anything more. I’ve put as many cards on the table as I can, have laid myself bare and exposed for him. The vulnerability is awful. I look up at him, but only for a quick minute. I don’t have the courage to read his eyes. I’m afraid of what I’ll see there.
“So having said all that,” I choke out, “I understand if you don’t want me to spend New Year’s with you and your family. I’m not really who you thought I was.”
He sighs. “Of course I still want you there, Kat.”
“Really?” I raise my gaze to him in surprise.
“You were more honest with me tonight than I expected, about things that are really hard to discuss. Things I don’t know if I could say if our roles were reversed. You’re exactly who I thought you were. You’re brave and passionate, and when you love, you do it with your whole heart. And I’m not sure if we”—he gestures between us—“will ever get there, but I want to try. To be loved by you, Kat…it’s a privilege. I hope he knows that, whoever he is. Because I do. And for tonight, that’s enough.”
