Page 45 of Hate You, Maybe
“Close enough.”
“Does turning thirty bother you?”
“Did it botheryou?”
“Fair question.” He combs his fingers through his hair, and it stands up on end, in a way that’s both rumpled and adorable. “The answer is no,” he says, and I’ve already forgotten what I asked, thanks to all the adorability. Adorableness. Whatever.
He’s adorable.
“I’ve heard my sisters and their friends talk about turning thirty,” he continues. “They make it sound like this potentially dreadful milestone, especially for women. Most especially the single ones. And I’m sure that’s got a lot to do with societal pressure, but, man. I think it’s such a waste of worry.”
Ah, right.That’sthe topic. Now I remember.
“You only think that way because you’re not a single woman who’s dying to be married.”
“Thanks,” he snarks. “What gave it away?”
“You literally told me you don’t date, so I went ahead and made that big leap all by myself.”
“Wow.” He puffs out a breath. “You reallydoremember everything, don’t you?”
“Yep. I do.”
He looks out the window toward the mountainside, the ridge line barely visible in the dark. Just above the peak, clusters of stars flicker in the pitch-black sky. “Well, you’re right,” he says. “I’m not destined to be a family man.”
“Like … never?”
“I don’t know. Maybe not.” He sits up again, readjusting his position on the bed like he’s uncomfortable.
“Why not?” I tip my chin. “Are you afraid you won’t be able to recreate your idyllic childhood or something? Because personally, I would’ve given anything to grow up in a house like yours. Full of siblings. With two parents who loved me. I barely had one parent, and at best, she was halfway decent.”
Even as I say this, a twinge of guilt pings behind my ribs. My mom wasn’t intentionally damaging. She was just … kind ofdamaged. But I didn’t know the difference when I was a kid. And knowing now still doesn’t change the fact that her damage shaped me. I am who I am because of her.
“Things weren’t always all sunshine and roses for my family either,” he says. “Nothing ever is.” The edge of his jaw tightens like he’s holding something back. He hitches his shoulders, a move I’ve learned he does when he wants to change the subject. “What about you?” He swings his gaze over to me. “Loren’s engaged already. And you said your mom’s getting married now, too, right? Doesn’t that make you want to join the club? Find a man? Get hitched?”
I bark out a laugh. “I want to be the exact opposite of Colleen Kroft.”
Dex chuckles. “Tell me how youreallyfeel.”
“I guess that did come out a little blunt. But let’s just say my mom had a habit of dating men she met at work. Then, when their so-called relationships imploded, so did her job. Which meant we moved around a lot, trying to escape the ghosts of boyfriends past. And she ended up unemployed. A lot.”
He meets my gaze, surveying my face. “Coworkers, huh?”
“My mother’s kryptonite.” I run a finger along the edge of my clipboard. “But the good news is, I’ll never makethatmistake.”
“Wow.” His expression shifts into sympathy. “She really did a number on you.”
“I mean, not on purpose.” A lump rises in my throat. A combination of feeling disloyal to my mother and jealous of Dex’s stable childhood. “I learned a lot from her, though,” I admit. “For my whole life, all my mom’s decisions were based on falling hard and breaking up, and I got caught up in the crossfire. So I decided a long time ago I would never do that. To myself or to kids. If I don’t have a family, no hearts will be broken on my watch. And I think I’m better off for knowingwhat Idon’twant as much as knowing what I do. If that makes sense.”
“Perfect sense.” His head bobs, and he averts his eyes. “I feel the same way, to be honest.”
I wrinkle my nose, still confused about how Dexter’s upbringing madehimso guarded. But I know I shouldn’t care, and anyway, I’m not trying to connect with him, so I don’t ask. Instead, we both fall silent, my clipboard sitting untouched in my lap.
Dex glances at the blank sheet I put on top for notes.
It’s still blank.
“So much for getting a start on brainstorming tonight.” He presses out a weak laugh.
