Page 125 of Hate You, Maybe
“Your father was very expressive about his feelings,” my mom pipes up. “Surprisinglyexpressive.”
“Umm … ewww,” Jo says. “I don’t want to think about Dad like that, thank you very much.”
“Your father and I are a happily married couple,” my mom adds. “Expressing our love is a natural part of?—”
“Anyway,” I say, loudly, interrupting this dissection of my parents’ love life. “Can we talk about something else? Anything else?” I haven't been this uncomfortable since Bob told me about his and Hildy’s love nest.
“Let’s talk about the real issue here,” Landry says, and for once her voice isn’t laced with sarcasm. “You care about Sayla, and you’re afraid.”
“Afraid?” My mother squints at me like she’s confused. “Of what?”
“Of getting hurt,” Landry answers.
“I get it, Dex.” Kendal offers a gentle nod. “I was scared too.”
“Of Tim?” My dad scoffs. “He’s the least scary man on the planet.”
“Scared of getting my heart broken,” Kendal says, matter-of-factly. “I loved him so much, I knew he had the power to completely crush me.”
“Wow. Go, Tim,” Jo snickers, and we all cut her a look. “Okay. I’ll shut up now.”
“This dinner conversation sure took a turn,” I say, trying to keep things light.
“Where else can you talk about stuff like this?” Landry asks, still serious rather than snarky. “Home should be your safe space.”
I push out a laugh. “Is it, though?”
“All kidding aside,” Landry says, “I kind of hope so. Yes.”
Something shifts in my gut, and it’s not the fried chicken. My family is offering me support now, and instead of pushing them away, I should probably let them in. “Okay, you all may have a point,” I admit. “It’s possible I’ve developed real feelings for Sayla that I don’t exactly know how to handle.”
“Didn’t Dad have the birds and the bees talk with you a while ago?” Jo asks.
“Jo!” Landry tosses a roll at her. “That isnotshutting up.”
“Girls,” my mother scolds. “Let your brother talk.”
“The thing is,” I begin again, “thishasbeen the safe space in my life. Our family. And opening up to anyone else, letting Sayla get close, is … terrifying.” I steel myself for the real question holding me back. “What if I lose her?”
“You won’t lose her,” Kendal says. “If you need me to play that video again, I will. But in case you missed it, you weren’t the only one who looked smitten.” Her lips curve up. “That woman cares about you right back, Dex. A whole lot.”
“Yeah. Maybe,” I say. “But sometimes you lose someone anyway. Even when you care a whole lot. Even when you love them hard.” The table falls quiet and everybody stills, probably figuring out what I’m getting at.
Who I’m talking about.
My mom is the first one to break the silence. “Love is messy, Dexter. There’s no doubt about that. But I also know I was put here on this earth to be a part of that mess. I loveeveryone in this family with my whole heart. I made room for you in there. Found the space. You all filled up a part of me that will never go away. So there is no loss in the end. There’s only the faith that we’ll all be together again. One way or another. That’s what I choose to believe, anyway.”
“Mom.” Kendal blinks at her across the table.
“I believe that too,” Landry says.
“Me four,” Jo says, her voice catching.
My dad clears his throat, his way of agreeing with everyone else. My mother reaches for his hand, and for a moment, we’re all still. Then she says, “I love you all so much, but you people really are just one big mess.”
Around the table, we break into soft, broken laughter.
“And someone else better do the dishes when we’re done with dinner,” she adds.
