Page 32 of Fix Them Up
‘No. She doesn’t… she didn’t think I could do it. She knows about all my quirks.’
I could hear Liam’s frown. ‘Your quirks.’
‘I’m a scatterbrain. Unorganised. Flighty. I get bored easily. I try to keep it together; I use coping mechanisms to keep organised and on top of things, but it’s exhausting keeping the plates spinning. They call it masking. I realised when I got my diagnosis that I’d been doing it all my life. I looked at how everyone else behaved and copied it.’
‘Masking,’ Liam repeated like it was a new word.
‘Yeah, people with autism do it too. The world isn’t built for us, so we mould ourselves to fit.’ I huffed. ‘Sometimes, I think I’ve masked so much that I don’t know my real personality. Is this one I came up with to hide?’ I shrugged. The silence made me feel like I’d overshared, so I laughed and added, ‘Who knows.’
‘It sounds exhausting. Does your mum not understand that?’
I nodded, smiling sadly. ‘It can be. And no, she doesn’t.’
The music stopped. Liam and I stepped apart, but our eyes were still locked on each other.
‘My disability…’ I paused. It still felt weird to call it that. ‘It was partly why I was late to the funeral,’ I said, my defences rising. I wanted to explain myself. ‘Not that it’s an excuse. But I forgot my speech notes, and they’d been printed on this specific paper to help me read. It stops the words wiggling around, and I know that sounds ridiculous. I rushed back to get them, and I was running late –’
‘And then I stole your car parking space,’ Liam said, his voice low.
‘Well, yeah. But it was my own fault. I should have been more organised.’
‘I was late too.’
‘Oh.’ I hadn’t thought about that. ‘Yeah, I suppose you were.’
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, his lips in a flat line. ‘I was in a rush. Jack had gone into A & E again, I was stressed, and I acted like a dick.’ Liam glanced down. ‘If it helps, I wanted the ground to swallow me up when I saw you stand up there and I realised who you were. I’m not religious, but I was convinced I would burn up and go straight to hell.’
My lips twitched. ‘There’s still time.’
Liam glanced up, spotted my expression, and his lips turned upwards, too.
‘So, I’m sorry if I threw you off. The speech –’
Oh no. We werenotgoing there; it was way too deep.
‘I’d rather not talk about it if that’s okay,’ I said, and Liam searched my face. For a moment, I thought he would push on and ask more of me, but he nodded.
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to overstep,’ he said, running his hands through his hair. ‘I’ve – got some cleaning up to do.’
He was awkwardly looking for an out of the conversation.
I nodded. ‘Thanks for the dance.’
Liam’s eyes scanned me again. He nodded and went to turn away.
‘I never said thank you for the lock, by the way,’ I blurted out.
Liam turned back. ‘It was nothing.’
‘Well, it means I can lock my door, so I appreciate it.’
Liam looked me in the eye, sincere and unguarded.
‘It’s important you feel safe here,’ Liam murmured, the words making butterflies explode in my stomach. A kaleidoscope of new images of Liam flitted across my mind. Liam fitting a new lock. Liam standing up and agreeing to help me. Liam dancing with Dot and preparing tiny sandwiches.
‘I’ll come around tomorrow,’ he said over his shoulder. ‘I’ll be there around ten. Make sure you’re decent this time.’
A choked laugh bubbled out of me.
