Page 129 of The Reno
“Liam,” I said, warning him, and I could see regret flood his features. His chest was heaving. I could tell he was ready to throw more words at my mother.
This was my battle, not his.
Mum turned to me. “What is he talking about, Katherine?” She asked Liam, “Would you give us some space, please?”
“Mum,” I warned. “This is his house.”
“I’ll go,” he said, his touch lingering on my shoulder. “I’ll make us some breakfast.”
“Well, he’s a delight,” Mum announced after Liam was out of earshot. “You know how to pick them, Kat. I mean, a builder, really? And one that is quick to anger, at that.”
I closed my eyes. “Why do you have to do that?”
“What? Question your romantic choices. I’m your mother.”
I clasped the door. Out of anger or just for support, I wasn’t sure. “You put me down, Mum. It makes me question myself. I’m an adult. I’m twenty-seven years old, for god’s sake. Don’t you think I can make my own decisions?”
My mother’s cheeks coloured, flustered. She wasn’t used to me using my voice. She wasn’t used to me pushing back. I’d heard so many sharp remarks and put-downs from her mouth. Had Graham not played the peacekeeper, I think I would have pushed back a lot sooner. There were only so many sharp words and looks that someone could take.
And Graham wasn’t here now.
Mum scoffed. “I don’t put you down. I just want to make sure you make the right choices. When you were little, you were so lost—”
“Yes, I know I was. But I’m not little anymore. You can’t use my disability to defend how you treat me, Mum.” I got straight to the point. “Did you ask Dad not to see me anymore? When I was younger?”
Mum’s eyes widened. Her mouth was a perfect “O”.
And that’s all I needed. I knew then it was true. I closed my eyes again, a deep-rooted disappointment anchored in my chest. It hurt.
Mum jumped into defensive mode. “Is all of this about your father? Really, Katherine. He was unstable. Flighty. Unpredictable. He’d never come to your parents’ evenings or ballet recitals, even when I reminded him. He just took off, and you needed a dad who could be there. Not let you down.”
My nose and eyes burned. She was right. But she was also wrong to have pushed him away. And I was stuck in the middle, living the realities of their failures. My dad hadn’t owned up to his. He hadn’t had time. But my mum could.
I sighed. “Dad was unpredictable, yes. But you pushed him away, Mum. You made it worse. Can’t you see that? How and when I wanted to have a relationship with Dad—that was my choice to make.”
“It’s not that simple when you’re a mother, Katherine—”
“My name is Kat,” I barked. “Everyone calls me Kat. I’ve been Kat since I was a kid, and I know you know that.” My breath washeaving now. I’d never raised my voice like that. I squeezed my eyes shut. “I know I struggled at school and all that uncertainty when you were already a single mum juggling a lot. I don’t know what I would have done in your shoes. But the choice has been taken from me twice now. Because he’s gone.”
The last word choked out of me.
I thought about my dad at his lowest. He was not able to reach out for help, even from his brother. I thought of Brian’s strained, worried face when he told me how low he’d been, and my heartbroken dad wasn’t able to pull himself out of it. But I was heartbroken for myself because I was the one who lost out. I lost Dad and was left picking up the shards of our relationship. The broken memories and promises cut my hands and made me bleed.
And now it was all coming out, flowing strong.
Mum’s face flickered with pain; then she schooled it. She took a step forward. “I know you’ve taken his death hard. I understand, I do. But I don’t regret my choices, Kat. You don’t understand what it was like. How overwhelmed you become—”
I smiled sadly. “I get overwhelmed, Mum. Sometimes life is a bit much. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t live it. It doesn’t mean I’m not capable.” I thought about Liam’s words. “I can’t be mollycoddled anymore. I have to push myself. And if I get overwhelmed, fine. I’ll get over it. If you wanted, you could support me through that. Help me instead of making me hide from everything.” I lifted my eyes to hers. “You’ve made me risk-averse. You let me believe he didn’t love me.” My voice broke.
Mum’s face softened just an inch. But then, her mask was backon.
“Does this look risk-averse to you?” Mum gestured around Liam’s hallway. “Living in some random man’s house, you’ve only known a few weeks? Does leaving your job and a stable income behind sound risk-averse? If that was my plan, I did a poor job of it.”
I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. I wanted a new job, a new life. I wanted to stay with Liam. I was in love with Liam.
“I want to stay.”
Blood rushed to my head. That was it. I’d said it. And once it was out, I couldn’t stop.
