Page 52 of Forgotten Vows
“Because I feared you wouldn’t want me. Because I was worried however you’d felt about me before wouldn’t be true anymore.” He furrowed his brow, unable to take his gaze off me.
No. The real reason is that you knew Luka still wouldn’t want you to be with someone from a rival family. That’s all it is.
The commitment Ivan had for his family, for his uncle, would always be as strong or stronger than this supposed love he thought we could still share. And that was why I couldn’t risk giving him all of myself again. My heart was off-limits. I wouldn’t be seduced or conned into opening up to him any more than like this. I’d let him into my body. I’d give him clearance to fuck me. But common sense had me holding back and not trusting him completely.
I could trust him with my son’s safety, too, but never my heart.
“Raisa.” He paired his stern tone with another flip, landing me beneath him again. Grabbing my thigh and hoisting it up as he pounded into me, he ensured a deeper fit. “I love you.”
I shook my head, almost to the brink of tears for how he tempted me to really let go and believe in the illusion of love. “Just fuck me, Ivan.”
“Trust me,” he begged. “I love you. And nothing will ever change that.”
“You love me,” I parroted. “But would you always fightforme?” If he had an answer to give me, I didn’t hear it. Under the pressure to come, I snapped. The tension split, breaking apart as he rammed his cock into me at this angle. He groaned lightly, arching his back and showing me how his neck strained with flexed tendons and muscles there. We came together, but as I soared then sank with the rising and falling nature of such a rush and release, I clung to the common sense he couldnotfuck out of me.
I wanted to believe him. I was desperate not to be alone in this world and to trust him. Convincing myself that he was worthy of my love and trust was no simple feat, though.
He’d burned me once. Even if he’d faked that affair just to make me hate him and stay away, the damage had been done. He’d broken my heart once too easily. He could do it again.
Because every time his duty to his family would be an issue, he would choose appeasing his uncle and following his orders first. He would vow his servitude and life to that man, not me.
All due to the fact that I was a Petrov, he had to stand on one side or the other. His uncle hated my father, and vice versa, and that was a dynamic Ivan and I couldn’t change.
He collapsed over me, then rolled so I lay spent and exhausted on top of him. We caught our breath, still united as close as two people ever could be. And even like this, physically tied to each other as our hearts stopped racing as fast in the aftermath of our climaxes, I knew that nothing would ever change. My father could very well be dead like everyone assumed he was, and still, I would be viewed as the enemy.
Not family.
Not as Ivan’s, regardless of how fiercely he wanted me to agree with the notion that I was his forever.
23
IVAN
Acouple of days later, I stood in the kitchen with Gabriella trying to finish making her coffee. Luka spared no expenses. He fired the whole house staff when he married Gabriella because he thought that she wasn’t comfortable with the catty maids who’d disliked her. Since then, with Andre being the demanding, fussy baby he was, she hired some select few house staff members she approved of. Cooks, a nanny on standby, and maids were all here to work and make life easier, but Gabriella was a sassy, stubborn, and scrappy woman who preferred to do things herself. She hadn’t grown up with money, and I doubted she’d ever acclimate to having money now.
As such, she was making her coffee while I held Andre.
“I knew you were different,” she muttered. It was probably a compliment but she sounded too tired to pull it off.
“How so?”
She eyed me holding and bouncing Andre. It boiled down to how you bounced. It had to be more of a sway, and it worked every time.
“Look at you. You’ve always just known how to hold him and make him quiet.”
I shrugged without breaking the rhythm of my bounce.
“You were born to be a daddy.” She smirked.
I tried not to dwell on how much I’d always wanted to be a father. Raisa stole years from me with Lev. I could’ve been doing this for him when he was a baby.
“I don’t know if you’re so happy now because you’ve got Lev?—”
I turned, calling out for my son. He’d requested thatItake him to school today. Just me. I was honored that he trusted me. He didn’t call meDaddyyet, but I was hoping he would soon. “Lev, we need to go.”
“Or if it’s because you’ve got Raisa, but you are looking mighty proud and happy these days.”
I smiled, not in the mood to argue with her. If she were to say that in front of Raisa, she’d likely roll her eyes. While Lev wasn’t at the stage of calling me Daddy, Raisa was refusing the concept of admitting she loved me back.
