Page 32 of Forgotten Vows
“And I found records that said you’d miscarried.”
“I had those made up in case my father ever looked for me. I didn’t want him to have any reason to follow me and know about Lev. It was no different than how I had to be paying for new names and new identities, and for Lev, too. I faked that miscarriage in those records and left them accessible in case anyone looked for me, just to throw everyone off. Then I kept looking for places to stay hidden. Once I cut all ties with my father, with you, with every member of any Mafia organization, I intended to avoid all the violence of that world.”
A flurry of images flooded my mind. I envisioned it all. Raisa being alone. Pregnant and moving. Looking over her shoulder. I tried to stem the anger and frustration at her going through childbirth with no support. No one to help her. She’d stubbornly run and done it all on her own, and it was impossible not to feel like she’d thwarted me from an experience I’d dreamed of having. Of being a father.
“I had to run and keep him from this world,” she repeated.
I shook my head, screwing up my face in a scowl. No. That wasn’t true. It couldn’t be true. This boy, Lev, he was myson. He belonged in my world, for fuck’s sake. It wasn’t right of her to ever deny him or me that connection.
Reeling from all that she’d said, I retreated. Leaning up, I pulled my pants back on and tried not to lose my temper at all she’d explained.
As she sat up, then adjusted her clothes to cover herself, I refused to let the guilt take over me.
I should’ve been there for her. For him. But I wasn’t.
All because she decided to handle this on her own, to avoid me and the world we both came from, I wasn’t there. Anger swiftly masked the guilt and sorrow. She had no right. No right to hide this from me at all. Even though I was just as much at fault for a shitty end to our time together, lying that I was cheating on her, it didn’t excuse her for hiding my son from me.
Years had been lost. So much time that I would never reclaim.
“I—”
I stood, holding my hand up to silence her. I couldn’t even face her right now, too mad and upset. We’d just come together as close as two people could, but I refused to succumb to looking into her eyes and going weak.
I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t face her. Hell, after all she’d said, I couldn’t even make sense of why the fuck she was here now, if she wanted to keep our son out of the Mafia’s reach.
“Ivan.”
I stepped back from her, only lifting my face to glare at her. “No.” I shook my head, backing up more. Distance was all we’d had for years. It was the punishment of missing her that I’d loathed so much. Now that she was here, right in front of me, I needed a buffer again. “I need to…”
Hell, I didn’t even know what to say, my mind was such a mess. “I need a moment.” I’d need a lot more than that to figure out the next step. Luka expected me to get answers from her, and I knew more were lurking, held back in her. She had to explain why she was showing up here tonight, but I couldn’t face her. After all she’d told me, I needed a moment to let all of this sink in. Preferably while I was sitting down. The realization that I had a child to care for was a sobering one.
“I need to—” I shook my head, backpedaling for the door. I didn’t have to explain myself to her. She’d come here. She soughtmeand my family out after detailing all the ways she’d avoided anyone from the Mafia for all of our son’s life. If I needed a moment to take these hits sitting down, then I would.
I turned without another word and left her in the room.
14
RAISA
Istared at the closed door. For several minutes, I couldn’t move out of this spot. Zoning out at the wooden panel didn’t change a single thing. It wasn’t a step toward achieving anything. But now that I was here, I knew I wasn’t going to be “released”.
Luka Dubinin let me into his home. He’d only done so, apparently, because he got one look at my son and knew he had to be related to Ivan. It was uncanny how similar Lev and Ivan were, but it was a combination of features I’d come to accept. That every time I looked at my son, I could remind myself he wasn’t the man I hated for leaving me.
Just like he’d done now. Once more, again, Ivan walked away from me.
This time, it didn’t sting nearly as bad.
Letting out a sigh, I let my shoulders slump. Still looking at the door he’d closed after himself, I tried to reach some modicum of rationale about all that had happened.
“Yeah, he handled that well,” I muttered.
I shocked him by showing up out of the blue after no contact for years. I brought him a surprise in the form of a son he’d neverknown about. And then the second we were alone in a room together, we butted heads and fought until we combusted with desire.
“I can’t believe I actually did that…” I whispered to myself. Shame wasn’t going to be on my list of strong emotions today. I was not embarrassed to have flung myself at him. He hadn’t been any better, just as ravenous for me as I had been for him. It wasn’t a one-sided situation here. Yet, the enormity of acting on that old attraction was troubling.
I’d come here to secure my son’s future. To get protection.
Not to get laid by my former lover.
