Page 127 of Power Move
As we left for the evening, Eva faded into her cloud, and I fell silent. After things felt right, they’d fallen apart. For the last week, I’d tried everything in my arsenal to fix things, but they didn’t improve. I tried groveling, feeding her, sex, and even buying her clothes. Literally nothing worked. I was out of ideas and beginning to resent Eva’s mood.
Returning home, Eva said, “I’m going to bed. I am going to meet Ellie in the morning and I’m tired.”
I couldn’t hide my feelings. She read my face.
“You know, Davey, I am sick of whatever this is. I don’t owe you anything. And if you want to fuck me, you can do it, leave,and then go back to whatever video game you’re playing with your friends.”
“Way to go,” I said. “Way to ruin the evening!”
“Me? You were all happy until we met the baby. Then, we did, and you went all quiet. Are you going to be like this with our babies?”
I resisted the urge to slam the kitchen island but balled my fists.
Eva, tearful, demanded, “Are you finally getting cold feet? After all of this, you’re finally going to leave, aren’t you? Or, rather, you’re about to kick me out.”
Realizing how much I’d hurt her, I pled. “No, Eva, calm down.”
“No, you hold all the power, and this is yet one more move?—”
“Oh, really! Because you deny you love me to torture me, and you are holding everything with these babies over my head!Youare the one pulling one over me!”
“I don’t do that. And it’s not… I cannot do this!” Eva turned, striding towards the stairs.
She raced up so fast that she tripped, barely catching herself. I approached in a panic, and she pushed me away.
“No, Davey! No!” She continued to the bedroom where she attempted to rummage under the bed for her suitcase.
I pulled her back. “Eva, I love you. I am only trying to help. I am not getting cold feet. I… I need support, too. All I want is for you to be there for me for once.”
“Why? So you can throw all of it in my face about where I am failing?”
“Not everything is about you, Eva! Jesus fucking Christ! I’m human, too. I need love and support. I give you everything, but I cannot help but feelyouaren’t invested.”
She stopped, tears streaming. She sat on the bed, rubbing her stomach. I realized it was now or never. She was finally listening.
“Dad died before there were any grandkids. I know you didn’t meet him. And the more things we do—the closer we become—I struggle because I know he would have loved you. He would have been the first one to rush in excited about our happy accidents. I know he would have never put Cordelia down. To know that Cal was in the family and they had a baby would have made him cry tears of joy, Eva. Sometimes, all of this feels so hollow. It’s got nothing to do with you. It’s loss. It’s grief. And it’s much more than whatever crawled up your ass this week.”
Eva cried more. “You can be upset without always taking it out on me.”
“Eva, stop. I don’t?—”
“I miss my family,” she interrupted. “I am sorry about your dad. I know what that feels like because it seems fucking pointless. They will never know our boys. They will never give a flying fuck about them.”
“Eva, that’s not true.”
“It is. Everything I knew I wanted when I had kids is dead.”
I sat in bed next to her, realizing we felt the same.Fuck.
“I’m sorry, babe. I get it,” I said. “I wish we’d just talked.”
“I thought you were just happy-go-lucky while I was starting to die inside.”
I wrapped my arm around her. “No. I’m just better at masking it, I guess.”
“You’re better at compartmentalizing.”
“Hard disagree, Eva. I can never get the full story from you, baby. Let me in. If you do, I think we’ll communicate better.”
