Page 137 of Drive
“Like I am?” I snapped, taking another heavy hit.
“You want me to hold your hand and lie to you?”
I shrugged. “No.”
She eyed me as she licked her finger and rubbed it on the side of the joint to keep it from running. “Then here’s the way I see it. You love them both. You would’ve been happy with either one. Maybe if tonight hadn’t happened, you and Nate would have had a happy marriage. But it did, so now you have to figure shit out without the two of them. Love has its place and you’ve put yourself on pause long enough. It’s time to get off your ass and doStella.”
“You never liked Nate for me,” I accused, grappling for anything residual of my own version of the truth.
“Bullshit. He was a beautiful person and good to you. There was nothing not to like.”
“Jesus, I feel so ripped,” I said as I looked down at my ring and saw Nate on his knees, his rehearsed words, our matching smiles and tears, the look in his eyes when for a split second he wasn’t sure of the answer I gave.
“There’s something about Reid you’ll never let go of, and it’s not for nothing, Stella. He’s changed his whole life to make a place for you in it.”
“He had no right to come back like that.”
“He had every right. He worked his ass off to deserve you, and you deserved to know he loved you as much.”
“And you knew this?” I said, staring her down.
“Not really, not until you told me what he said tonight. And it was only then I remembered Ben would say something from time to time that stuck with me.”
“Like?”
She sighed. “Not necessarilyaboutyou . . .just how he would duck out after shows and go back to the hotel instead of parties. How they had to reschedule some things so Reid could get his head straight. He’s been fighting his demons for a long time, for himself and for you.”
The look on Reid’s face crippled me from more anger. I wanted so much to go to him. Guilt struck hard then as I sat in Nate’s bed, our bed, trying to make sense of it all. “God, Lexi, you should have seen him on that stage. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life.”
“I believe you.”
“All this time, he’s felt that about me. I don’t know why he held on. I gave him every reason not to.”
She eyed me carefully. “Because he knew he hurt you. He knew you weren’t being honest. Just like Nate did. It’s okay that you love them both because you trulydolove them both.”
“Well, excuse me if I disagree with you. I hate myself for it. I don’t know what to do.”
“What do you want to do?”
“I want tonight to have never happened,” I said as I shuddered with a sob. “I want my life back.”
“Then take it.”
“He’s done with me, Lexi. He was so h-h-hurt.” I hiccupped.
“Don’t think about Reid or Nate. Think about Stella. What does she want forherself?”
I pushed my hair away from my face and bit my lip.
“It’s me,” she pushed gently. “Say it.”
“I want my career. I want to make my podcast successful. I want to be taken seriously. I want to be the Barbara Walters of the music world.”
“Then that’s what you do,” she said simply. “For the next year, you concentrate on Stella.”
“Is that what you did?”
“Damn right it’s what I did,” she said as she lay on her pillow next to mine. “Living for a man is the quickest way to get lost. And the reality of coming up empty-handed when it doesn’t work out. Fuck that. It’s a nightmare. I learned my lesson. There’s a time for everything. I lost my damn mind over Ben.”
