Page 234 of Severed Heart
“Because it’s true.” He kicks at the dirt between us. “You’re not. I’m not your son, Tyler.”
“Do you want to be?” His eyes widen slightly as a pained gasp leaves him. “Because in my heart, that’s who you are to me now. What you’ve become. And what I want you to be.”
His face twists again as he releases a suppressed grunt. Tears shimmer in his eyes as I find the strength to fight for the first time since she passed. For us. For him.
“I love you, and I want you in my life. I want you here. With me.”
He openly cries now as I fist my hands at my sides. It’s then the clear image of the toddler wiggling in his mother’s arms comes to mind. As does the sound of the demand which accompanied the engrained image from a decade ago.
“Hole me.”
The burn in my throat mutes me briefly until the fight for him wins out.
“Zach, I’m losing my shit right now because I really want to pull you to me, to hug you. Just tell me if you—” He launches himself at me, cutting me off, and I capture him in my arms, holding him for long seconds as his body shakes, his grief palpable. I keep him tightly gripped, my whispers fueled by my heart. By the truth.
“You’re saving me,” I tell him honestly. “You may think I did you a favor, but you’re saving me, Zach. And all I want to do now is spend my life being your father. I can’t promise to save you back because that’s a promise no one can make to another, but I promise you everything else a father can offer. I’ll be there for you as long as I have breath in me. You’re golden. You’re everything that’s good about my life now, and you were for her too. And God, how she loved you.”
He buckles as I keep him upright. “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. You have to grow up and let go of my hand first, but I’m not letting go. That’s the promise I made her, and it belongsto you now.”
He sobs uncontrollably as I shield him from it all. From the eyes that have shamed him. Playing barrier to the pain that has plagued him, never lessening my grip. “I’m yours if you’ll have me. I’ll show up for you. I promise. I swear it, I swear it. I love you, Zach, and I need you. I want you here. With me.”
His sobs come harder, and he clutches me tighter and breaks against me, with me, my own face soaked when he finally releases me.
“D-do you believe in G-God like she does?”
“I will never lie to you. Not ever, so I can’t bullshit you on something I’ve struggled with for years because of the things I’ve seen. But when I looked at her, at you, I want to believe. I want to because you both deserve a place like that. I want to believe so badly she’s there. So for you, and for her, I’ll try.”
He nods, his chest pumping with his cries. Once he’s spent, I wordlessly follow him to his room and remain at his door until he falls into a fitful sleep.I wake in the morning to see him sleeping on the floor next to me, his hand gripping my sheet at the side of my bed. Bending, I lift him onto the mattress to lay next to me and stare at him until I’m lights out. When we both wake, he turns to me and gives me my answer. And within a blink, I’m a father.
BLINK.
Glaring down at my brother where he lays in the hospital bed, I fight the anger and resentment threatening to destroy what’s left of us. “You take for granted the breath in your body while I watched her struggle for every single one. She wanted those breaths because it meant having another day—with me. You want to line up with the rest of your family, go right on ahead, but I will not fucking be there to witness it if you don’t fight for your own breaths anymore. They deserve better ... I deserve better. So, if you give a fuck about me at all,” I plead with him for the last fucking time, “wake the fuck up! Wake the fuck up, T.”
BLINK.
Standing in my penguin suit, I wink at Zach, who tugs at the collar of his shirt where he sits in the first row, loosening his tie. Catching his eyes, I jerk my chin as we start our mental conversation exchange.
Not yet, kid.
It’s uncomfortable.
Deal with it.
Shit.
Manners.
Fine!
Love you.
You too.
I can even hear him grumbling it, and can’t help but smile with how far we’ve come. Shifting my focus on my brother, and the love shining in his eyes, I take in the moment, being there with him, for him, as my own ache surfaces in remembrance of the time I took similar vows.
“I, Sean, take you, Tessa, to be my lawfully wedded wife.”
BLINK.
