Page 229 of Severed Heart
“I’ve got somewhere to be,” I lie as Zach meets my eyes from where he waits for me at the hood of my truck. He stayed at the back of the crowd purposefully because he didn’t want condolences. He’s too raw for that right now. I didn’t want so much distance between us during the funeral, but I respected it. This loss will no doubt change his makeup if it hasn’t started already, and I have to keep that in mind,himin mind.
Keep marching, Soldier.
“You have nowhere to be,” Tobias says, calling my bluff.
I scoff. “I have a thousand places to be, and I don’t need you to return the favor.” It’s a low blow, but I was the only one who was able to reason with him once he imploded after Dom’s funeral.
Dom.
Delphine.
Tobias is the last living member of his whole goddamned family. In a sick way, I envy him. He has nothing holding him back from being the emotionless monster he’s trying his best to become. Getting closer by the day in succeeding, his concern for me is surprising, considering he’s a living ghost at this point. But my whole being has an aversion to him right now, and I say as much.
“I’m going home with Zach. If you really want to be there for me, then stop walking,” I snap. He stops his footing instantly. The pain in his exhale is evident, but I ignore it, focusing on my own for once. Unsure of how I’ll ever resemble a fraction of the man I was.
I’m a soldier now. Nothing more. But it’s then I look back into the eyes of the boy I’ve come to love in mere months and know that I’ll have to be more than that.
Left. Right. Keep marching.
Thankful. I’m supposed to be thankful for the time I had and for the memories we made, but I hate each second as it passes because of the distance it puts between the time she was breathing and the reality now in which she isn’t.
That’s fucking death. Each breath I take becomes agonizing as I will myself to stay in the moment, not to blink out for the kid standing curbside at my truck, looking as broken and lost as I feel. Will this be his life if he stays with me? Who will fucking protect him if I don’t? I can’t fail him.
“Tyler—” Tobias calls after me.
“Hey, get in the truck, okay?” I tell Zach, who doesn’t move, sensing something’s afoot.
“Please, Zach. Please don’t make today harder,” I ask him, knowing our day of reckoning is coming. The grudge in his eyes in the days after her death still there even as he does my bidding and climbs into the cab.
“Brother,” Tobias clips behind me, “let me—”
“I’m all soldier right now, T,” I snap back at him, rounding my truck and opening my door. “Don’t expect anything else anytime soon.”
On my heels, he palms my open door shut, crowding me against the truck. “Don’t do this,” I grit out. “Don’t fucking do this, T.”
“You aren’t alone tonight. I’ll be a shadow, I won’t say a fucking word, but you aren’t alone tonight.”
“I know your place, but so do you,” I grit out. “This is personal, and I’m not asking permission.”
Both our cell phones rattle as we’re summoned for another battle, and I find relief in a new mission, a distraction to keep me from coming apart. “I’ve got it,” I say.
He pins me with his stare. “You’re sitting this one out, Tyler.”
“I don’t sit shitout. In case you’ve conveniently forgottenagain, we’re in the middle of a fucking war.”
“You are sitting this one out today. You just buried the love of your life, and I just buried my last relative.”
“You hated her,” I spit at him, slapping his chest with my palms. He doesn’t so much as flinch, his lifeless eyes peering back at me even as he speaks words of contradiction.
“I loved her, and she knew that, and so do you,” he admits without pause.
“Tyler,” Zach calls through the partially lowered window of the truck, his eyes watering as I realize he’s watching me lose my shit. In seeing his state, all the past months I’ve spent trying to give him a stable home, stable footing start to feel tarnished.
“It’s all good,” I grit out, my plea clear as I lift a palm in temporary truce while eyeing Tobias, who nods and steps away to disengage. It’s the fear in Zach’s eyes as I enter the truck that damn near levels me. Because it’s not fear of me, it’s fearforme. Of what I might do. I’m becoming unhinged, and it’s apparent. He’s a reason. He’s a reason to endure another second.
A reason to keep my now misshapen heart beating.
A reason Delphine and I shared during our precious seconds together.
