Page 240 of Severed Heart
Now, I’m an image of who others expect me to be, a falsity, an illusion, a liar, manipulator, and the keeper of all secrets. A protector and her soldier, nothing more.
The reason I breathe now is to make sure those I’m loyal to don’t have to desperately search for the rise and fall of the chest of those they love. From that, I can and will protect them the way I wasn’t.
Because it was heaven to love her, too, though I was in a sacrificial type of state. In order to have it, I had to give my heart permission to love her, though her loss altered my soul.
So I’ll protect them, so these questions don’t fucking haunt them. I’ll keep their secrets and watch them fuck up and lose their chances to stupidity. I’ll watch them hurt each other and take each other for granted. Knowing the cost, I won’t say a fucking word, but fight for their individual breaths in between so they don’t ever fucking realize that their naïveté could cost them their sanity.
For a time, I swore she was my one weakness, but the truth is, now I draw breath for them. They are my weakness and reason. For them, I’ll breathe and will my heart to keep beating.
Only for them.
Because if I fail them, I’ll cease to have a reason to anymore.
Bucket lowered, I’m feet from the house when my son steps out of the front door, challenge in his eyes. Panic and shock seizing me, I all but stand on the brakes and kill the engine, jumping out as Zach squares off with me.
“What the fuck are you doing, Dad?”
Guilt washes over me as he steps forward demanding an answer.
“Did you maybe think forone fucking secondthat by totaling this place, you’d be wiping the memories of the only mother I’ve ever had away from me!”
Zach’s fury radiates from him as I stand in shock at his reaction. “You’re selfish in your pain with her. You’ve tried, but you’re still fucking selfish!”
“I’m sorry,” I offer pathetically as guilt and shame wash over me. “I thought you’d build a new—”
“I don’t want to erase my past. I’m embracing it. Even the parts I don’t want to remember. It’s part of being a well-rounded human. You taught me that, and what are you doing? ... She’s gone, and yeah, we need to move on with living, but what is this? You want to forget her now, too?”
I shake my head. “I can’t.”
“Dad,” he sighs, “I’ve sat back and watched you suffer year after year, but enough is enough. You know good and fucking well she didn’t want this! She told you specifically not to take mourning her this far, and here you are well over half a decade later, and you’re not even trying!”
“I can’t!” I admit, the pain lancing through me at that truth. “I can’t.”
“That’s the first time I’ve ever heard those words come out of your mouth,” he says. “Words yourefusedto let me use.”
Zach steps up to me, and even as he scorns me, I can’t help the pride I feel, even as he hands my ass to me. Which inside, I know, is deserved. She didn’t want this—me to mourn her this far—but my heart still isn’t beating the same. My breaths are still shallow, and I miss her with every single one.
“Dad, I want to make thismy homeone day. When I find the girl for me, I want to bring her here, to the place where I witnessed firsthand what kind of love I wanted. It’s one of my dreams. So please, don’t tear it down.”
I nod, utterly speechless at his display. He rarely gets so emotional anymore, and I know it’s not because he doesn’t have a heart. It’s because he takes good care of it. In doing so, he’s now taking care of mine.
“Promise me,” he prompts, his eyes drilling mine.
“I promise, Son. Fuck, I’m sorry. It’s just—” I crack a little as I admit the truth. “I can’t reason my way out of this fucking grief. I can’t. I just need—”
“Faith, Dad. That’s all she asked of you. You need faith. Real faith. She asked you to believe her and you need to start. I heard her give you that order more than once before she died. I heard it. An order you’re not following. So you need to know you’re not going to find the peace you want until you do.”
“I’ll try, Son. I’ll try.”
“Okay,” he releases on a long exhale before glancing back at the house. “Let’s—” He nods toward the door. “Let’s spend the night with her, here, before you go back?”
I give him a slow nod. “Yeah, she would love that.”
Eyes still full of concern, his expression relaxes slightly as he glances over a Tobias. “Hey Uncle T, you staying?”
T nods. “Hey, and yes, if it’s okay with you.”
“Of course... no, Uncle T, put your fucking wallet away.” Zach rolls his eyes before turning to me. “I’ll go grab something to grill.” He eyes the newly vacant porch. “And I guess get a new fucking grill,” he utters dryly, shaking his head before stalking to my truck. Easily finding the keys where I pinned them above the tire, he turns it over before driving away. Tobias and I stand mute for a few minutes as Zach speeds down the gravel drive. I remain zeroed on the truck until it’s out of sight, utterly in awe of the son I raised when Tobias speaks up behind me.
