Page 214 of Severed Heart
“Sean,” I bark in warning, with enough bite behind it that he immediately shifts his glare to me, “you’re behaving badly.”
In the next second, I’m dismissed as he cocks his head at them both, his tone condemning with audacity. “How can you fucking laugh? How can you two fucking idiots laugh atanything?”
“How can you not?” Jeremy counters lifelessly, eyes dimming, but Sean’s already stalking across the bay, keeping his glare on them both as he pulls his smokes from his jeans before blasting through the side door.
“It’s all right, man,” I relay on Sean’s heels. “I’ve got him,” I offer as both sets of wary eyes trail me until I push through.
Just outside of it, I find Sean crouched against the building, his cigarette already burnt in half as I study the hard lines etched into his expression. Lines I’m certain didn’t exist before France.
“Unless you’re out here to bum a smoke,” he delivers in that alien voice, “I have nothing for you.”
“Pain seems to be the only vehicle you’re operating right now, brother. But I can’t say shit, I’m driving the same one.”
“Arewe still brothers?” he counters sarcastically, “because we’ve only spent, what, maybe a year together collectively since you left.” He gives me a wary side-eye. “I knew you wellonce... but let’s be honest, Dom was my brother.”
“So, I guess that in death, Dom gets a pass for his own extended absence, huh? That’s quite an unfair edge.”
Silence.
“Well, I guess it’s a good thing I’m not competing and wouldn’t try to, but that fucking stung, so congratulations, Sean. Would you like another?”
I take a step forward. “Tell you what, you can escalate this and swing at me too if you think it’ll make you feel better, but the alternative feeling you’re looking for right now does not exist in you drawing upon or causing the pain of the people closest to you. And yeah, we might not know each other as well as we once did, but that’s not you, no matter how things change or what you’ve been through.” Remorse fills his gaze briefly before his expression morphs back to unapologetic. “And you’ve always made it obvious who your favorite is.”
“He was,” he clips.
“That’s common knowledge to even a village idiot, but that stung, too. You want some more?”
“I don’t know what I want. No.” He exhales a cloud of smoke. “That’s bullshit, I know I don’t want to fucking be here right now, or tomorrow, or maybe ever.” He takes another exaggerated drag. “I know I don’t want to glimpse this fucking tattoo every day thinking only one thing—that I’m forever linked to that motherfucker. Or continue to work with him to see this war through, and I sure as fuck don’t want your judgmental ass telling me how I need to act right now because I know you still pledge allegiance to him.” He lifts his chin in dismissal. “So why don’t you run along and go behis brother.”
“Before you fire another shot or go a step further with an agenda that won’t work no matter what bullshit you hurl at me today, I’m going to tell you right now I just found out Delphine is terminally ill. If I’mlucky,she’s got six months. So, you should know I’m standing here because I still consider you brother enough to give you a few ofherprecious remaining minutes.”
“Jesus ...fuck.” His eyes instantly water as regret pours from his lips. “Tyler, I’m so—”
“Why? You weren’t sorry a second ago, so don’t be sorry now. Dom’s your favorite, and you’re pissed at me for staying loyal to my ink and to T, and that’s your prerogative. But know my stance on those things aren’t changing no matter how big of a fit you pitch, so stay mad. But for the sake of today, let me have the win in the grievances department. Though, right now, we’re talking about you.”
“Fuck that man, you’re right”—his eyes spill over as he runs a palm over his mouth and jaw—“I am so out of line... I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t mean any of that.”
“You meant some of it, there’s always a little truth mixed in with your lash outs, but rest assured, I don’t give a shit what part you meant most because, again, I’m operating the same vehicle you are. But we need to be talking aboutyoubecause, for one, selfishly, it’s distracting me, and two, so you stop pointlessly attempting to alienate your brothers... because like it or not, Sean, if either of them goes down tomorrow, you’re going to grieve them just as hard even if you do successfully manage to push them away.”
“Jesus, is that what I’m doing?” He shakes his head. “That’s... sadly predictable.”
“It’snatural.” I shrug. “In thinking that if you distance yourself enough, you’ll never feel like this again. But it’s not going to work. Not for you. Your heart won’t have it. You can’t cut off your hand and think you’ll still have the use of your fingers becauseyou’re all heart, Sean.”
A tear slides down his jaw as he stares up at me, looking utterly lost before he inhales more of his cigarette. “I don’t know how to manage this, Tyler. I don’t know how people manage this... and go on living. I’m so fucked up,” he croaks. “I can’t sleep. I can’t concentrate on shit. I got a new place, bought a house... thinking it would be a project to keep my mind occupied, but I haven’t done anything to fix it up. I haven’t unpacked a single box or suitcase. I just keep buying new shirts and underwear.” He glances back at the garage. “I’ve got two jobs I don’t want anymore. I don’t know if I want this life without him.”
“So, switch it up and see what sticks.” I shrug.
“What does that look like?” he asks as his silent tears track his cheeks while he lights another cigarette.
“You want a plan?”
He nods. “I could use one, yeah.”
“I’m thinking you switch vehicles, and the opposite of the vehicle you’re in, of pain, would bepleasure. How about you start with food you love or hike a trail you never have. Not here in Triple, but miles away. Something new, uncharted. The point is to start small... and instead of looking for a way to escape the pain, start searching for pleasure while you feel that pain. Little by little. Day by day.”
“Sounds like slogan advice,” he harrumphs, “and I don’t see that happening,” he dismisses.
“Because the pain is taking up your headspace, and you’re allowing it. So, try to edge it back just enough to seek its opposite. And while you’re at it, add some structure for yourself. Force yourself to do one thing to fix that house every day without fail—to unpackonebox and then leave that house and go seek outonething that brings you some pleasure, no matter how small.”
