Page 184 of Severed Heart
“Tyler,” I croak, tears threatening as I palm his jaw. “Then I don’t hate itat all. You canfruitme anytime you want.”
“You would endure that for me?” he jokes, but I don’t smile as I speak from my heart.
“I would do absolutelyanythingfor you, Soldier.”
His return stare intensifies as he absorbs my words before he speaks again.
“You know I sawthisfor us years ago, before we ever touched each other, got intimate,” he rasps out, eyes briefly losing focus. “I sawthisin my mind. Days exactly like today, on this hillside, talking to you, making love to you on a blanket just like this one. Over the years, I’ve imagined dozens of similar moments, inevery kindof weather”—he swallows—“the two of us together and happy.”
“I did, too,” I whisper. “I swear Idid, too. Especially when you were gone,” I admit. “I dreamed of this every day after you left.”
“The mind is a powerful thing,” he relays softly. “Such a fucking powerful thing. Our thoughts are so convincing that if we focus on one of them often enough, we eventually start gravitating to act on it. Taking actions consciously and subconsciously to make whatever that focus is and make it a reality. Manifesting is what most people call it, but it’s not all magical.” He tosses the grass. “It seems so simple, but in sorting and deciphering an average offifty thousand thoughts a day, it can get dangerous and complicated. Fixating on the wrong thoughts can make it theoppositeof simple,” he relays with an ache in his voice.
“No, it’s not simple”—I take his hand—“and I need you to realize I do know how hard I made it for us to get here. I don’t expect you to, Soldier, but I do hope that one day you forgive me for that.”
He stares back at me again for a long moment as he strokes my skin, always touching me, forever affectionate, and I can’t get enough. Pulling back slightly, he lets out a long exhale before he speaks.
“As much as I’ve fucking fought it those years ago—insisting and practically demanding that you believe our age difference didn’t mean shit—the truth is, it’s the very thing that kept us apart, isn’t it?”
“Not the only thing, but oui.”
“Iwasa kid, a fuckingteenagermaking promises to you that probably seemed over the top, but I swear I didn’t feel that way. I didn’t feel like a kid. I meant them. I wanted to mean them, keep them.”
“I know, Soldier.”
“But that’s not why I’m at peace with it.”
“You have made peace?” My heart lifts with hope.
“Yeah, baby ... I think I just did in this moment, with you, and here’s why in all its fucking painfully simple splendor—Iwas eighteen.”
My eyes water, and I nod.
“And now that I’m around the ageyou werewhen we got started—I can see why you would doubt my words and fear for my future, thinking you would hold me back from whatever path you hoped and help to pave for me. As much as it pains me to admit that.” He gently shakes his head. “Jesus, the distance in perspective from then to now. Of what’s happened, of the amount of life I’ve lived during all those fucking blinks, Delphine.”
“So, you forgive me?”
“For what? I’m the one who didn’t keep my promise. I let you go without any real fight. You were right, you did reach out, andI didn’t.Honestly, I should be seeking your forgiveness.”
“There is nothing to forgive,” I relay adamantly.
“That’s not true though, is it?” He rakes his lower lip again as he stares over at me, trepidation littering his expression. “I don’t know if I can handle this answer, but I have to fucking ask it.”
“Please don’t,” I utter, knowing his question.
“So, it’s true?” He swallows. “You gave up the night I didn’t cross that fucking street.”
“That is not so simple either, Tyler. Please—”
“Jesus.” He shakes his head, his expression one of devastation. “If I would have come back that night. Or the next fucking day. Or any fucking day after, I would have found you waiting for me, wouldn’t I?”
I bite my lip, refusing to answer but he sees it.
“I knew you were lying. I knew you were trying to protect me. Free me. I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so fucking sorry,” he whispers hoarsely. “I’ll forever regret I got in the way of us, too. I’ll never forgive myself for the time we lost.”
“No, no, please, you have to forgive young Tyler. Please forgive him. And maybe some part of you was relieved not to have to keep that promise?”
His eyes drop in confirmation as his entire being rattles with regret.
