Page 13 of Lula Dean's Little Library of Banned Book
“Alright then,” Russell said. “I’ll be home when I can.”
The next morning at breakfast, Russell looked bleary-eyed.
“What time did you get home last night?” she asked as she set a plate of biscuits down in front of him.
“Round eleven, I think,” he told her. Crystal was always asleep by ten.
“That late?” She’d heard him come in at one-thirty. She felt her pulse pick up speed. Russell had never lied before.
“’Fraid so.” Russell kept his eyes on his plate as he dug into his food.
Crystal’s heart was pounding like a pile driver, and she could feel the earth opening up beneath her. “Do you think you’ll be late again tonight?”
“Not sure yet,” he said. “I’ll let you know.”
He didnotlet her know. So at seven that evening, Crystal slapped some foil over the skirt steak and potatoes that had grown cold on the stove and drove across town to the Piggly Wiggly. She pulled in next to Russell’s truck and walked across the lot toward the brightly lit windows, which were already decorated with Fourth of July bunting. She could see her tall, handsome husband in his white short-sleeve dress shirt and red tie, hair graying just a smidge at his temples, waist just as trim as the day she’d met him. He was standing by one of the checkouts, and chatting with JanelleHopkins. Crystal slowed at the sight of his smile—that wide toothy grin she’d fallen in love with. Then a customer showed up and started slapping packages of ground chuck onto the conveyor belt, and Janelle reluctantly turned back to her register. Crystal was ten feet from the windows when she witnessed Russell reach out a hand and knead Janelle’s shoulder. Crystal stopped like she’d rammed into a wall. Her feet refused to move and her lungs wouldn’t breathe as she watched the cashier lean her head back and nuzzle her husband’s arm. It lasted two seconds tops, but it told Crystal everything she needed to know. As soon as Janelle’s customer stepped forward to pay, Russell let go of her shoulder and moved on.
Crystal sat in her car and wondered how it had all gone so wrong. She had followed the rules. She’d done everything that had been asked of her. She saved herself for marriage, despite the best efforts of her senior-year boyfriend. She’d worked like a demon to get good grades. She won a scholarship to Emory, but chose a good Christian college instead. There she met Russell and fell madly in love. They were married before God and raised three beautiful children. Two were now upstanding citizens and the third was trying his best. Aside from the month Crystal spent in the hospital after her youngest was born, she’d never missed a Sunday at church.
And now Russell was fucking a cashier at the Piggly Wiggly.
On her way home, Crystal stopped off at the package store, bought a nine-dollar bottle of rosé, and drank every last drop on an empty stomach. She cried herself to sleep and woke at ten the next morning, reeking of vomit and filled with shame. Having never suffered a hangover before, she took it as a sign of God’s displeasure. In the face of adversity, Crystal had crumbled. She promised the Lord it wouldn’t happen again and crawled out of bed to find her husband. All wasn’t lost. There had to besomeway to make everything right. But Russell, she soon discovered, was not in the house. In fact, there was no sign that he’d come home the previous night. So she slipped on her shoes and set out to hunt down his cheating ass.
When Crystal reached Janelle Hopkins’s house, Russell’s truck wasn’tin the drive. She might have banged on the front door, but Janelle’s twin boys were wrastling in the front yard, their shrieks of pain alternating with peals of laughter. The Hopkins boys had been in her class two years earlier, and by the spring semester, they’d had Crystal questioning her calling.
“Look, look! It’s Mrs. Pig!” Daniel shouted, pushing his nose up into a snout. Cute, charismatic, and completely evil, Danny had the makings of a successful salesman or serial killer.
“Hey there, Mrs. Pig!” Brian waved with both hands. He’d either be president or in prison by age forty, Crystal was certain. Both boys followed their greeting with a chorus of snorts and oinks.
Her cover blown, Crystal waved back and picked up her pace, frantically searching for something to explain her presence on the Hopkins’s side of town. She found it just up the street at Lula Dean’s house.
She’d been meaning to stop by Lula’s lending library since she’d read about it in the paper. She was curious to see what kind of books the town bully thought they all should be reading. Crystal had no respect for anyone who’d ban books—much less burn them. Her daddy had been a man of God. He’d even handled a snake or two in his youth, but he’d never censored his children’s reading material. As far as he was concerned, if your faith was shaken by foul words or sex scenes, then you must not have had very much to begin with. Back in high school, Crystal had dedicated her spare hours to reading every Stephen King novel ever written. Those books were filled with f-bombs, blow jobs, and beheadings. She slept with the lights on for years, but none of it ever made her any less Christian.
Crystal browsed Lula’s silly library, trying to pretend that was what she’d walked across town to do. The selection seemed to have been thoroughly picked over. The few titles left on the shelves looked like castoffs from the local library.The Art of Crochet,Contract with America,Manhood,andA Caledonian Flingappeared to be the best Lula’s library had to offer. Then Crystal’s eyes landed on a book partially hidden from view in the upperleft corner. She pulled it out and examined the cover, remembering the fuss that had accompanied its launch thirty years earlier, back when she was in college. All her friends had bought copies and read them cover to cover, but Crystal hadn’t bothered. She hadn’t felt any need. She’d already met Russell.
Now God had sent herThe Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right.Clearly, it was a message. She still had a lot to learn. And with her rival for Russell’s heart just a little ways down the street, she certainly didn’t want to leave the book where it might fall into Janelle Hopkins’s home-wrecking hands. So Crystal hurried away withThe Rulestucked under her arm.
Once she was safely home, Crystal took a seat at her breakfast bar and cracked the book open in the middle to the strangest recipe she’d ever encountered. Confused, she flipped back a page to find a chapter heading:Make a Blazing Heart Burn Only for You.Right below the heading was a warning:
If you ignored the rest of the book and flipped straight to the love spells, please return to the beginning. Witchcraft is a spiritual practice and a worldview. It is not to be dabbled in lightly. If you are in a rush and won’t listen to reason, please read Chapter Three at the very least.
Crystal immediately stole a glance over her shoulder to make sure no one was watching. It sure felt like the warning had been meant just for her.Witchcraft?She sat back and let the word tumble around in her brain. She couldn’t recall any of her old college friends dabbling in the dark arts. At a Christian school like theirs, the thought alone could have led to expulsion. And hadn’tThe Rulesauthor been onOprahback in the day? Sure, she’d cursed the world with Dr. Phil, but would Oprah really have welcomed a witch?
Always a stickler for doing things right, Crystal closed the book and started again at the beginning. According to the title page, it wasn’tThe Rulesafter all. Lula must have mixed up the dust jackets. The book’s true title wasAll Women Are Witches: Find Your Power and Put It to Use. Well,that certainly explained Lula’s rise to prominence, Crystal thought. The self-righteous ones were always the biggest hypocrites.
Crystal turned the page and found the table of contents. Chapter One was titledNo, You Won’t Be Summoning Satan.That came as quite a relief. Crystal was willing to do a lot to keep her husband, but she had no interest in selling her soul. Chapter Two was even more on the nose.Yes, Witches Can Believe in Jesus.Crystal stopped for another quick glance behind her. To be honest, it was getting a little creepy how the book kept reading her mind. The third and absolutely essential chapter,The Chapter You Must Read Before You Begin,started on page twenty-seven.
Before you can cast an effective spell, you must set your intention. In order to do so, you must know what you want and be able to articulate your desires. This may sound simple. Sometimes it is. More often it’s not.
Easy enough, Crystal thought. It wasn’t as if she hadn’t daydreamed about it for years. She wanted to go back in time. Preferably to June 3, 1996, the day she and Russell first met. She wanted to relive the first ten years of their relationship and fix all the mistakes she’d made along the way.
What you want must obey the laws of physics.
Well, that didn’t seem terribly magical. Fine, so no going back in time. Then let’s keep it simple, Crystal bargained with the universe. Just keep Janelle Hopkins and her giant boobs away from my husband.
Be sure to consider any unforeseen consequences.
The old Monkey’s Paw dilemma. Janelle gets run over by a brush hog (a fantasy Crystal had been gleefully entertaining), but Russell ends up grieving his lost love for the rest of his days. Whatever, Crystal decided, just make him fall back in love with me.
