Page 76 of Colin Gets Promoted and Dooms the World
“Shit. Well, I guess we have bigger things to worry about right now.”
Before I could reply, my phone buzzed repeatedly as someone called. Eric again. Growling in the back of my throat, I stabbed the Ignore option.
“Who’s ‘Lying Jerkface’?” Lex asked curiously as they looked down at the screen.
“Never mind.”
They shrugged. “Okay. So, I guess our next problem is how to get this tablet out of there.”
“Oh, that’s easy. Can I see one of your boots for a second?”
“My boots?”
“Yeah. Just one of them.”
Lex bent down to untie their left combat boot and handed it up to me. Hefting it in one hand, I squinted at the display case and then hammered the boot into it with all my strength. Glass went everywhere with an extremely satisfying crash.
“Holy shit!” Lex yelped, jumping back.
“There we go.” I handed back the boot and took a moment to brush some glass shards off my cardigan. Then I reached in and grabbed the tablet. “Ta-da!” I proclaimed as I hefted it in front of me.
Lex stood there, boot in hand, peering at me through their thick-framed glasses. “Seriously, what’s gotten into you today?”
Grunting slightly as I maneuvered the tablet into a more comfortable carrying position, I said thoughtfully, “I’m not sure, but I think I’ve stopped giving a crap. Like, having precipitated a world-ending event, inadvertently murdered a bunch of my colleagues, and suffered an unforgivable betrayal at the hands of someone who may have been my only shot at true love, I just don’t care about the bullshit anymore. You know?”
Lex gave me an appraising look before punching me on the arm. “Fuck yes. Welcome to my world.” Taking a minute to put their boot back on, they eyed the tablet cradled in my arms. “We’re walking out with that?”
“More or less. Where can we find a bag that will hold this?”
“Leave that to me.”
“Okay.” Handing off the tablet with some effort, I checked the time on my phone. Ms.Crenshaw would be expecting me back upstairs soon. “Meet in the lobby at five? We can go to my place and talk to Amira.”
“Deal.”
Twenty-Eight
Later that afternoon, I accompaniedMs.Crenshaw to the promised meeting in Investor Relations. It took place in a conference room that looked normal enough—a dozen black-robed acolytes, cowls drawn up, sitting around a long table with Ms.Crenshaw and Mr.Samuels at its head—until everything disappeared with a nauseatingsnapand we were left floating in an endless expanse of darkness. I’d been seated against the wall, safely out of the way, and now I was off by myself, staring down into an infinite void that yawned beneath my dangling feet. I gripped the edges of my chair so hard the plastic creaked, and I took deep, frantic breaths as I tried not to scream.
Things only went downhill from there. A series of powerful and harrowing beings dropped by, looming out of the darkness—or, in one memorable instance, enfolding us all within the rippling bulk of its gelatinous body—so they could be reassured that Dark Enterprises had everything under control. Each of them had a stake in our company, some dating back to when we were just a spunky startupwith dreams of world domination, and they all expected a substantial return on their investments. Failure to comply would lead to corporate restructuring indistinguishable from mass death.
Cowering helplessly on my little chair, I knew instinctively that if any of these entities turned the full weight of their attention on me, I was finished. As a result, I only registered bits and pieces of the spiel that Ms.Crenshaw and Mr.Samuels repeated for each investor: a rogue Abomination and the looming destruction of our planet were little more than fleeting distractions; all promised deliverables were guaranteed to arrive on schedule; we appreciated their forbearance; et cetera.
It came as a brutally disorienting shock when the meeting ended and the bland conference room reasserted itself around us. My soft whimpers and distressed mewls became embarrassingly noticeable, as did the fact that I’d sweated through my cardigan. I cringed as I waited for the outpouring of collective disdain, but as acolytes rose from their seats and threw back their cowls, several gave me wry smiles or looks of commiseration instead. One guy even stopped on his way out of the room to give me a bracing clap on the shoulder. “Not bad, kid,” he said in a gravelly, Bronx-accented voice. “I had to change my underpants after my first time in one of these meetings.”
Genuinely uncertain of the state of my own underpants, I offered a weak smile as I tried to unclench my hands from both sides of my chair. He moved on along with the rest of the acolytes while Ms.Crenshaw and Mr.Samuels remained at the table, talking quietly. Both paused and watched me when I finally managed to stand.
“I’m impressed, Mr.Harris,” the plump man said, face creasing in a smile. “I thought when Margaret brought you along that we would find you passed out in a pool of your own vomit, but you managed to keep your wits about you.”
For her part, my boss studied me expressionlessly as she screwed the cap back onto her fountain pen. “You did well, Colin,” she conceded. “Normally we would ease you into a meeting like this, but the fact that you remained conscious and at least minimally aware says something about your potential.” From her, that was the equivalent of an enthusiastic high five. “I’m going to stay here for another few minutes, but you can go back upstairs. I want updates from both HR and R&D.”
Nodding, I stumbled out of the room and back to the elevators, feeling wrung out like a damp towel. I spent the rest of the afternoon trying not to think about the horrors I’d witnessed in that conference room while forcing Sunil to send me an endless series of updates, just for fun. By five o’clock, I was able to report to Ms.Crenshaw that Human Resources had delivered all the requested materials to R&D. Work on the honey trap could proceed as planned.
When I met Lex in the lobby, employees were cautiously exiting the building as if The-One-Who-Hungers was waiting outside. For all they knew, it was. “I guess we’ll have to walk to my place,” I said glumly as I joined them not far from the elevators.
Adjusting the weathered backpack hanging from their shoulders, Lex snorted. “Walk. Right. I have a car, dude.”
“You do?”
