Page 33 of Colin Gets Promoted and Dooms the World
“This is so stupid,” Igroaned an hour later. “There are literally four million ways for people to disappear.”
We were seated at a wide table buried in the stacks on the sixth level, surrounded by precarious stacks of books, heaped piles of cylindrical scroll cases, and accordion folders full of loose papers. I’d just finished skimming the private correspondence of AleisterCrowley, English occultist and certified whack job, and all I’d learned was that he was a total perv with an interest in making attractive young women disappear into his sex dungeon. Slapping shut the folder of Crowley’s letters, which smelled of cigarettes and old-man musk, I shoved it away from me with a sigh.
Lex glanced up from the book open in front of them. “Some of this stuff is cool, though. Listen to this: in Japan, the Namahage Festival has people who dress up like demons and yell at naughty kids, but the festival is a smoke screen for therealnamahage, who kidnap bad children and carry them away.”
“You think that’s cool?”
They shrugged. “Sure. I mean, it sucks to be those kids, but you have to give props to a bunch of demons who created a human festival so they could convince parents to hand over their children.”
I wasn’t sure I had to give props at all, but I decided not to press the point. “Yeah, cool,” I mumbled. “What do they do with naughty children?”
Lex raised their eyebrows. “Eat them,” they replied, as if it were obvious.
“Why doeseverythingwant to eat us?” I demanded.
“Because we’re juicy and soft? I have no idea.”
With a sigh, I reached for a heavy book and dragged it closer. I was about to open it when Lex spoke up again. “Is this related to that seal you wanted me to look at?”
“What seal? Oh, that. Yeah, actually. At least, I think so.”
Lex favored me with an irritated stare. “Why didn’t you mention that earlier? That might have helped to narrow things down.”
“How?” I asked, equally exasperated. “All we learned from that seal is that Management made it. How is that helpful?”
Lex muttered grumpily under their breath. “I thought you were going to leave that alone.”
“No, you told me Ishouldleave it alone.”
“But you didn’t.”
“Because it’s related to something really bad that’s happening in the city. Every time the oracles in Analysis and Logistics try to see what’s happening, they have strokes and die.”
Lex frowned thoughtfully as they watched me. “Okay, that’s weird,” they conceded. “But why are you getting involved? This sounds like it’s way, way,wayabove your pay grade.”
Glancing over my shoulder, I leaned in and said quietly, “The board has decided to open two positions in middle management to the executive assistants,ifwe can prove ourselves.”
Lex snorted. “This is all so you can get another promotion? Lame, dude.”
“Well, excuse me for having a little ambition!”
“Ambitionmeans you want to oppress people. I’m going to be a Class 5 librarian forever, and that’s cool with me.”
“You actuallywantto spend the next forty years reshelving books?”
“Shut up, Colin.”
I let out an aggrieved sigh. “Pursuing a better job isn’t the same thing as oppressing people.” Not that I was opposed to doing so. I could think of any number of people I’d love to oppress.
Lex shook their head. “Fine. So you’re competing for a spot in middle management. You want to figure out what’s causing all these disappearances so you can impress your boss. You think that seal has something to do with it, which meansManagementhas something to do with it, which means investigatinganyof this is incredibly dangerous.”
“That about sums it up, yeah.”
“Okay, well, I think I might have spotted a flaw in your plan.” They gestured expressively to the mounds of material covering the table. “Assuming you could have found these sources on your own, how much of this can you actually read?”
“Uh.” I sorted through nearby books and folders. “I can read this. And this…oh, no, that’s German. I think I can read…okay, I have no idea what language that is. Is there anything in Spanish? I took a year of Spanish in high school.”
“Great. So if the information you’re looking for happens to describe people going to the beach—”
