Page 58 of Colin Gets Promoted and Dooms the World
“I should ask someone more senior. You know, someone who might actually have the knowledge I need.”
“Really?” Lex demanded. “You’re trying reverse psychology?”
I glanced up from the cart with an innocent widening of my eyes. “Oh no. I’m saying this needs someone, like, super smart.” Pulling the pamphlet out of my pocket, I unfolded it slowly. “I mean, it’s possible that the fate of the entire world might hang in the balancehere. But I guess that’s less important than reshelving books.” Tilting my head as if a thought had just occurred to me, I added, “Hey, I bet Gertrude could help with this. She’s middle management, isn’t she? I’m sure she knows all kinds of things. Any idea where I can find her?”
“Give me that,” Lex growled as they snatched the pamphlet from my hand. “You know, sometimes you’re a real asshole.”
I tried to look both shocked and hurt.
“What is all this?” they asked as they opened the brochure and scanned the instructions printed inside.
I paused dramatically before proclaiming, “Thatis how you and I are going to save this city and probably get promoted all the way to the executive board.” To be honest, I expected that to get a pretty big reaction, so I was disappointed when Lex just rolled their eyes at me. Refusing to be derailed by their poor attitude, I added, “Trust me—this is a great idea.”
“This is a terrible idea,”Lex said for the twenty-sixth time.
“Shut up,” I responded irritably. “It’s going to work.”
“Yeah, it probablyisgoing to work, and then we’re going to die when someone finds out we ripped a celestial being out of another plane of existence and asked it for a favor.”
We were standing in Storeroom E1-17, designated asBlessed, Holy, and/or Celestial Items. It looked pretty much like the last storeroom I’d visited in Supplies and Procurement, except that many of the objects glowed with a soft radiance or gave off a faint sound at the very threshold of human hearing. The vibes were peaceful and, frankly, had I known about this room sooner, I probably would have spent all my breaks in here.
“Don’t be so pessimistic.” I crouched and adjusted the long iron chain that had been pulled into a circle on the floor, then straightened and eyed the complicated symbols drawn around it. In front of me sat a long white feather freely shed from an angel’s wing, a golden bowl filled with clear water, and the shriveled, mummified hand of a Buddhist bodhisattva. It was all pretty standard stuff if you wanted to summon a celestial being—angels in particular were drawn to sainted relics like cats to catnip. The only nonstandard material was the iron chain, which had been quenched in the blood of a holy martyr during the forging process and was now anathema to celestials.
“I’m not being pessimistic, Colin. I’m being rational.”
“You know something? I thought you were cool.” I pointed at their baggy T-shirt, which had a skull and a bunch of jagged letters on it. “Would Suicidal Tenderloin care about following the rules?”
“It’s SuicidalTendencies, you idiot—”
“The letters are hard to read,” I mumbled.
“—and don’t try appealing to my punk sensibility. This is a bad idea and you know it.”
For all their grumping, it hadn’t escaped my notice that Lex was still standing there. “Fine. Go, then, if you want. And when I summon this angel and it defeats the Abomination running around out there, you won’t have to worry about all the accolades and praise that Management showers on me.”
Lex snorted and folded their arms, but—revealingly!—stayed put.
Rather smugly, I took one last look at the pamphlet that was going to solve all my problems. Across the top, it read,
Summoning Angels:
Stick It to the Competition!
Below the title was a drawing of an angelic being lying on the ground, its beautiful face twisted into an expression of misery as it clutched the heavy chains pinning it to the floor, while two black-robed individuals high-fived each other. Inside were the step-by-step directions we’d followed after first gathering the necessary materials, and now all that was left was a simple incantation. I cleared my throat and intoned, “O spirits of light, harken unto me! I beseech you for aid.” Hastily stuffing the pamphlet into my pocket, I bent down to grab the bowl of holy water and used the long white feather to flick sanctified droplets into the circle in front of me.
I held my breath and waited for something to happen. Nothing. I looked around—maybe an angel had snuck up behind me?—but the only other person in the room was Lex, their expression souring further still. Long seconds ticked by, and with each one that passed I became more and more convinced that we’d done something wrong. I had just bent down to study the symbols we’d drawn on the floor, looking for any smudges or obvious mistakes, when I became aware of a single note rising on the air, high and sweet and shimmering. Other notes joined it, one by one, and together they swelled dramatically into a chorus of unearthly voices singing a wordless hymn so beautiful that tears sprang to my eyes. As I blinked them away, a bobbing mote of golden light took shape above the iron circle and then expanded into a momentary blaze of radiance before fading away, leaving a tall, androgynous being standing before us.
“Behold, mortal!” it proclaimed, its voice layered with different tones like the chorus that had now fallen silent. “I am Sukariel, an angel of the Celestial Sphere, and I have come to thee at thine request.” Its skin was a luminous golden color and the long hair that rippled down its back shone like quicksilver. Draped across its graceful form was a simple garment of classical appearance, thematerial a white so dazzling that I couldn’t look at it for more than a few seconds. Compassion and love washed over me as I basked in the light that radiated from its flesh. Beside me I heard Lex draw in a single shuddering breath.
“Um, hi,” I said, my voice sounding unbearably harsh after the melodious music of the angel’s speech. “Thanks for coming.”
The heavenly creature inclined its head, eyes glowing the luminous blue of a perfect summer sky. “How may I aid thee?”
Wetting my dry lips, I took a moment to gather my thoughts. I needed to be careful what I said in front of Lex. “I’d like you to destroy the horrific and terrifying being that—” Abruptly, my throat closed around the prevarication I’d been planning to use. I coughed, then tried again. “The being that’s making people dis—” I stopped with a strangled grunt and lifted a hand to massage my throat. I didn’t want to reveal my role in freeing the Abomination, but the longer I stood in the angel’s presence, the more imperative it became that I speak the truth. I struggled with myself until I had no choice but to say in a breathless rush, “I need you to destroy the being that I loosed onto this reality.”
Lex turned to look at me. “Wait a minute. The being thatyouloosed—?”
“Today, preferably,” I interrupted, still looking into the angel’s perfect features. “We’re kind of on a clock here.”
