Page 55 of Colin Gets Promoted and Dooms the World
“It was the growing power of the Abominations that first woke the Oldest Ones at the dawn of civilization. They stirred restlessly as humanity cried out for salvation, and while most people turned to false idols and petty deities for protection from the things that stalked them, the Oldest Ones gifted a worthy few with Their secrets and thereby created the first practitioners, known today as Management.
“Four millennia ago, Management made the executive decision to capture and bind the Abominations in order to protect humanity. Once bound, most were then released back into the world, though some, like”—Hauer paused again, then read slowly, as if he couldn’t believe his eyes—“like Satan, remain the property of Dark Enterprises.” He stopped. “Jim, what the hell is this?” he asked in a different tone. “Is this some kind of joke?”
“Keep going, Rutger,” another voice instructed from behind the camera.
Hauer’s mouth tightened, but he returned his attention to the teleprompter. “Now that they are bound, Abominations can be summoned for valuable historical and anthropological information, to harvest their essence, or for other purposes. For more information, see the instructional brochure ‘Summoning Abominations for Fun and Profit,’ available from the CEO of your local office.” Therewas another uncertain pause. “Please note that any dealings with an Abomination must be approved by Management, and that tampering with the binding on an Abomination is a Level 5 transgression, punishable by immediate termination. In the unlikely event that the binding on an Abomination fails, consult your executive board. They will have specific instructions for you.”
Rutger stopped, expression haunted, then visibly forced himself to continue. “Thank you for watching this film, and remember”—he pointed at the camera with very little conviction—“the best Abomination is an imprisoned Abomination.” Synth music swelled as the camera made a slow zoom into his face, close enough that I could see the fear in his eyes. Then the screen went to black.
I removed the headphones and sat there for a few minutes as the VCR clicked and clunked and then rapidly rewound the tape with a loud buzzing sound. Was it possible that I’d struck a bargain with something unspeakably ancient that was now determined to ravage the world as it had done thousands of years ago? If so, this wasn’t a small mistake—Rutger Hauer had made these Abominations sound like gods. How was I supposed to stop one from running around New York?
I did some quiet hyperventilating before I realized that nothing actually had changed. My plan all along had been to impress Ms.Crenshaw with my task-oriented management style and my commitment to Dark Enterprises. At least now I knew what I was up against. Sure, it sounded bad, but Management had bound it once before, which meant it could be bound again. I just had to figure out how to do that on my own, and thanks to the late, great Rutger Hauer, I had a place to start.
Ejecting the videotape, I slid it back into its case and replaced it on the shelf where I’d found it. Then I hurried for the elevators,checking Ms.Crenshaw’s schedule on my phone. She was in a meeting in Client Services for another twenty minutes. Perfect.
It took very little time to reach her office. The sick-making aerial view of Manhattan on the other side of the windows had been replaced by a barren landscape of reddish rock formations huddled beneath a fearsome thunderstorm. Bright flashes of lightning strobed intermittently across the darkened room as I approached her desk. The video had mentioned an instructional brochure, like the one Ms.Crenshaw had given me when I’d prepared the ill-fated communion with Management. I was hoping the one I wanted was there as well.
Standing behind her desk, I bent down and carefully slid open the bottommost drawer on the left-hand side. Inside, dozens of hanging folders rustled stiffly as I started working through them, silent bursts of lightning occasionally illuminating their neatly printed labels.Which assistant organized these, I wondered,and where are they now?The folders were arranged alphabetically. “ ‘Satan and You: What to Expect from the Lord of Lies,’ ” I murmured aloud as I went from folder to folder. “ ‘Seeing the Future: Ten Tips to Protect Your Sanity.’ No. ‘Sleaze and Sellouts: Working with Politicians.’ Ugh, no. ‘Summoning Abominations for Fun and Profit.’ There we go.” Plucking a pamphlet from that folder, I was about to close the drawer when the label on the next folder caught my eye. “ ‘Summoning Angels: Stick It to the Competition!’ ” I recited thoughtfully.
A noise reached me from the waiting room. Was she back early? Panicking, I grabbed the angel pamphlet as well and stuffed both into my pocket. Then I bolted, reaching the threshold to the waiting room at the same moment Ms.Crenshaw did from the opposite direction. I stopped short of barreling into her, an involuntary squeakescaping my lips. She went so far as to raise an eyebrow as she came to a halt as well.
“Colin?” she asked in a tone of pointed inquiry.
“Uh, hello, Ms.Crenshaw. I was going to drop off that report you wanted on employee attrition rates in the last fiscal quarter.” My gaze flicked to my little desk behind her where that same report currently rested, quite obviously undelivered. “Except I got in here and then realized I forgot to bring it with me,” I added, my mouth curling into a sickly smile. “Whoops. If I can just slip past here—” Flattening myself against the doorframe, I edged past her until I could reach my desk with one groping hand. “Got it!” I announced, far too loudly, as I brandished the black folder at her.
“Thank you,” she said, plucking it from my hand without taking her gaze from me. I wondered if she could somehow sense the pamphlets in my pocket. “My meeting in Client Services was cut short by an urgent request from Management.” Walking behind her desk, she paused, and my heart pounded against my ribs as I tried to remember if I’d closed that drawer. Then she settled herself in her chair and said, “I need you to clear my schedule for the rest of the day.”
“Yes, ma’am.” Retreating to my desk, I took several deep breaths as I touched the pamphlets resting in my pocket.Please let there be answers in here, I importuned whoever or whatever might be listening.Please let there be a solution.Then I fired up the calendar software and went to battle with Ms.Crenshaw’s schedule.
Those two pamphlets felt likethey were burning a hole in my pocket for the rest of the afternoon, but I waited until I was on the nearly empty subway to pull them out and try to smooth out thecreases marring their glossy pages. “ ‘Summoning Abominations for Fun and Profit,’ ” I murmured to myself as I studied the first one. Below the title was a drawing of a black-robed person pointing menacingly at a cartoonish depiction of Satan, complete with a small Vandyke beard and a tiny pitchfork, cowering pathetically within a ritual circle. Inside, the brochure laid out the process for summoning an Abomination, which looked both complicated and painful.
Skipping past the cheerful advice on what to do with a summoned Abomination (“Its essence can put some real pep in your step, but be careful! Consume too much and Management will come knocking!”), my attention was caught by a stark warning:
STOP!Your Abomination has been fitted with an arcane seal. Under no circumstances should you touch or manipulate this seal. Doing so could cause a Level 5 event resulting in the partial or total destruction of humanity.
“It’s a bit late for that,” I muttered. Scanning ahead, I learned that dismissing a summoned Abomination was simple enough but only if it was safely bound. As for suggestions about what to do if an Abomination was freed, they weren’t particularly helpful.
In the unlikely event that an Abomination tricks or coerces an employee into releasing it, please notify Management and then consult the following instructional brochures:
So You’ve Ended the World—What Now?
Rebuilding Your Branch Office after Total Societal Collapse: Checklist for Success
Surviving a Class 5 Apocalypse: A Comprehensive Guide
