Page 23 of Colin Gets Promoted and Dooms the World
As soon as the words left my mouth, I became aware of a strange snuffling noise from the cubicle across from mine. Pushing my chair back, I looked over and saw Ahmad, a quiet octogenarian who wore the same suit every day, experiencing some sort of paroxysm. Abruptly, he convulsed and gave vent to a thunderous sneeze. Something flew out of his mouth and hit my shoe: his dentures, now sitting on the drab industrial carpet, glistening wetly.
Time stopped, and in that single, eternal moment I watched my future unfurl before me. I knew, with perfect clarity, that if I stayed in this job, one day it would be me sneezing my false teeth onto the newest hire.
“On second thought,” I said into the phone, “let me grab a pen.”
Two days later, I walked into an innocuous, unmarked office tower made of smoked black glass, nestled in the heart of Midtown. Waiting to meet me in the lobby was Ms.Price, a short white woman with auburn hair styled in a severe bob. I followed her into an elevator where she pressed a button labeledClient Services, and two minutes later we were in a small, expensively appointed conference room where glass walls offered a sweeping view of the buildings on the other side of Fifth Avenue. She offered me designer water and Italian espresso, and when I refused both, she gestured for me to sit in the chair on one side of the table before taking a seat herself and folding her hands together on top of a blank notepad.
“Thank you for meeting with me, Colin.” Her voice was a soothing contralto with a faint Southern twang. “Your name came up as we started considering candidates for this position, and I’m glad to be able to talk to you face-to-face.”
“I’m very happy to be here,” I said with a nervous smile. I extracted a copy of my résumé from the cheap plastic folder on my lapand slid it across the table. She didn’t so much as glance at it. “May I ask how you got my name?”
“We have our sources,” she replied smoothly, “and they spoke highly of your potential.”
This struck me as unlikely. I barely knew anyone in the city, and I certainly hadn’t distinguished myself at the accounting firm, what with the repeated instances of sleeping on the job. “That’s great,” I said, lamely.
An uncomfortable silence fell between us. Her eyes were fixed on me with an unsettling intensity, and I rubbed my sweating palms on my khakis before clearing my throat. “Um. So, I’m afraid I don’t know what this company actually does. I couldn’t find anything online.”
Ms.Price considered me for another long moment before speaking. “In partnership with various independent entities, we leverage human potential in order to facilitate the accumulation and expenditure of renewable energies so as to effect lasting change in contexts that range from local to global in scale.”
I tried to parse this statement and got absolutely nowhere. “That sounds very innovative,” I finally said. “I’m excited to synergize my talents with your core competencies and move the needle on constructing a new paradigm.” Thank goodness I’d stayed up late the night before readingBusiness Jargon for Dummies.
One eyebrow twitched, but her face remained otherwise frozen in its pleasant expression. “As I said, you’re a promising candidate, but we look for truly exceptional people here at Dark Enterprises. People with goals and ambitions that coincide with our values.” She picked up an expensive-looking fountain pen and tapped it against the notepad in front of her. “What do you want from your ideal job, Colin?”
“More than anything,” I replied earnestly, “I want to make a difference.”
“How noble. But what do you want for yourself?”
I thought about this for a moment. “Um. A competitive pension plan?”
Ms.Price looked at me in silence before reaching out and pressing a button on the small device in the middle of the table. I’d assumed it was an intercom, but when she touched it, the wall at the far end of the table abruptly brightened. What had been a wide mirror was now a window looking into a harshly lit room paneled entirely in shining black stone. At its center, an attractive twenty-something white man sat upright in a padded chair.
My mouth fell open.
“Can you see the individual in the next room?” Ms.Price asked me.
Turning to stare at her, I nodded uncertainly.
“He is connected to a device that will administer an electric shock whenever you press this button.” She pushed a small piece of black plastic across the table.
I waited for her to continue, but she just looked at me. “Okay,” I said at last.
“Would you care to try it?” she asked.
My gaze flicked to the man on the other side of the window. He was looking around the room with a groggy expression. “Oh, no thanks,” I murmured politely.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.” I paused to gather my thoughts. “Look, I’m sorry. I think there’s been a misunderstanding. I’m supposed to be interviewing for a job, not—whatever this is.”
Ms.Price tilted her head to one side. “Thisisyour interview, Colin.” She nodded to the button in front of me. “What if I told you that there will be no negative repercussions whatsoever if you press that?”
“For me, or for him?”
“For you. He will definitely experience negative repercussions.”
“Then—”
“Do you want this job?” she interrupted.
