Page 18 of Colin Gets Promoted and Dooms the World
There wasn’t a team of cold-eyed killers waiting for me outside Ms.Crenshaw’s office, thankfully, though I couldn’t stop flinching at every echoing footstep from the hallways outside. Ms.Crenshaw herself was out, the door to her office closed. I should have started responding to the emails that kept piling up in my inbox, but instead I found myself pondering what she had told me about Barney Samuels. Was it really possible that he’d been alive for…what, twohundred years? More? Management jealously guarded the secret of true immortality, but Mr.Samuels had achieved the next best thing. Imagine having that kind of power! I wouldn’t have to worry about the Firing Squad ever again. Even better, I could watch those who’d wronged me wither and fade while I climbed the corporate ladder to the very top. Sure, I’d probably have to sacrifice a few people along the way, but if it bought me a few extra centuries, I was okay with that.
I sat there, thinking, until I came to a decision. I’d risked everything, and possibly doomed the entire world, for this promotion. There were things I needed to do before the consequences caught up with me. Things I’d dreamed of for years.
It was time to make those dreams come true.
Nine
I checked Ms.Crenshaw’s calendar andsaw that she would be in meetings elsewhere in the building for the rest of the afternoon. Then I made a beeline for the elevators and descended to the familiar, drab environs of Human Resources.
Mere days ago, the sixth floor had been a source of anxiety and loneliness. Now it looked depressingly ordinary, with threadbare beige carpets and walls painted an inoffensive shade of white that always looked dingy under the glare of the fluorescent lights. The air smelled a little stale, with subtle notes of terror and despair, and off in the distance I heard a subject pleading for mercy. Their cries put a smile on my face as I did a quick circuit of the cubicle farm, hunting, before heading for the break room. There I found my prey sitting together at an ancient Formica table. They were always together. Straightening my cardigan, I approached them and said stiffly, “Hello, Beverly. Gerald. Andrea.”
Heads swiveled until all of them were blinking up at me. “Colin,” Andrea said, sounding surprised. She’d had the top performancereviews in the department until I started working there, and she’d never forgiven me for overtaking her. It was Andrea who’d started the malicious rumor that I suffered from urinary incontinence. Every time I left my cubicle, she’d tell whoever would listen that I was off to change my diaper.
“You’re here,” Gerald observed, baffled. His nose twitched, rodentlike, as he peered at me from behind his thick glasses. At Andrea’s urging, he’d spent the better part of two years stealing everything from my cubicle that wasn’t nailed down, tossing plants and personal photos and office supplies into the trash.
Beverly’s burgundy lipstick had bled into the fine lines around her mouth, giving her a vaguely clownish appearance. Of the three, she’d bullied me the least, but she’d always been there, smirking and tittering. “You’re not—” She stopped abruptly.
“Dead?” I finished for her. “No. I’m up on thirteen now.”
The three of them digested this, shooting quick glances at one another. “Congratulations,” Andrea said with no sincerity whatsoever, lips writhing as she patted her hair-sprayed helmet of thinning brown hair.
“Thanks. It’s pretty great. I’m getting alotmore money now, and earlier today I helped Mr.Samuels with the blood sacrifice downstairs.” Boasting was petty, but I didn’t care. I was too busy enjoying the way Andrea’s eyes narrowed spitefully. “How are things here?” I asked with breezy disinterest. “Still the same, probably.”
“We love working here,” Beverly insisted, fussing with her Laura Ashley dress.
“Yes, Human Resources is critical to this company,” Gerald chimed in, echoing one of Ms.Kettering’s motivational talking points.
“Sure it is.” I paused as if something had just occurred to me.“Hey, how would you like to earn some brownie points with Ms.Crenshaw?”
“Ms.Crenshaw?” Andrea repeated, sitting up in her chair. “The CEO?”
“Yeah. I work for her now.” I waited for that to sink in before going on. “She’s asked me to do something very important. I’m going to need some help, though, and I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather have with me than you three.”
They exchanged glances again. “What would we be doing?” Beverly finally asked.
“Oh, it’s no big deal. There’s a delegation arriving from…uh, another realm. We need to escort them to a couple of meetings here in the building. Two hours, tops.”
They agreed, of course. Andrea was ruthlessly ambitious, and the others would do whatever she said. “Head on down to Transportation,” I told them, “while I clear this with Sunil.” I wasn’t going to clear anything, of course. I wanted Sunil to spend the rest of the afternoon wondering where three of his people had gone.
I was already smiling when I reached Transportation a couple of minutes behind them. This was going to be fun.
At the end of theday, I was packing up my things when Ms.Crenshaw’s voice floated out of her office. “Colin? A moment, please.”
Hesitantly, I stationed myself on the pale carpet in front of her desk. She was reading something on her phone, and a long moment passed before she lifted her gaze to me.
“Did you introduce three of our employees to the delegation from the Stygian Maw?”
I fidgeted a little. “I know you were concerned about the Stygitesgetting their hands on people while they were here,” I responded carefully. “I thought it would be helpful to recruit some other employees to keep an eye on them.”
“I see.” She glanced at her phone again. “It appears that two of those employees are now unaccounted for. Do you know where they might be?”
I looked down at the floor as I mumbled, “I believe they’re—”
“Speak up, Colin.”
Clearing my throat, I repeated myself. “I believe they’re suffering unspeakable torments down in the Maw.”
Silence fell. I risked a quick glance at her face and saw that she was studying me dispassionately. The moment stretched as I clasped my hands together and tried not to tremble visibly.
