Page 12 of Colin Gets Promoted and Dooms the World
“Oh my gosh!” Shrugging off her backpack, she wrapped her arms around me in a ferocious hug. “That’s amazing! And right after you were feeling so down about your job! It must be kismet.”
I hugged her back, chin resting on top of her soft, curly hair. “It must be,” I murmured. Meeting the Thing, agreeing to its proposition…maybe itwaskismet. Maybe all of this was meant to happen.
“This calls for Thai food.” Amira released me. “Let’s call them right now. I’m starving.”
Once our feast arrived, we spent the next two hours eating and talking. Amira wanted to know more about my promotion, and I described my conversation with Ms.Crenshaw without actually revealing anything. Afterward, she tried to explain the topic of the presentation she was preparing for an upcoming conference in Germany. I nodded along, making encouraging noises as if I understood any of it.
A little while later, while we washed dishes, she said in a casual tone that immediately sent up red flags, “I have someone I want you to meet.”
I was already shaking my head before she’d finished her sentence. “No. No way. No more blind dates.”
“Colin,” she sighed, as if I were being unreasonable.
“I’ve had nothing but terrible luck on blind dates. Remember the guy who took out his phone and started scrolling Grindr ten minutes after meeting me? Or the one who brought his mother along?” I shook my head again. “Nope. I’ll die alone if I must, but I’m not interested in trawling through the dregs of New York’s singletons.”
“This is different,” Amira insisted. “Eric is a really great guy. He goes to my yoga class, and he’s sweet and funny and incredibly flexible.”
I turned to look at her, dish towel slung over my shoulder. “Wait a minute. Is this the guy you were talking to outside?”
“Oh, now the truth comes out.That’swhy you were hanging out the window!”
Shrugging defensively, I muttered, “I just happened to notice you both.”
“Sure,” she said, amused. “And yes, that was Eric. He always walks me home after class. He’s super nice.”
“How flexible is he, exactly?” I asked, thinking about those skimpy shorts.
“He does an amazing pyramid pose.”
“I don’t know what that means.”
“It means he has muscles, Colin. Like,allof them. He’s in terrific shape.”
“I don’t know.” Squinting at her, I added, “You’resurehe’s into guys?Andsingle?”
“Yes, I’m sure. He’s been asking me all kinds of questions about you ever since I showed him your picture. He thinks you’re cute.”
I hesitated, torn. Part of me wanted to say no, and part of me was really, really lonely. “Fine,” I sighed at last.
She pumped her fist. “Yes!I’ll see when he’s available. I’ve got a good feeling about this, Colin.”
Surprisingly, the prospect of a date didn’t fill me with the usual dread. As of today, I was finally making something of myself, moving up in the world. Maybe it would be enough for this Eric person.
Seven
I did nothing that weekendexcept luxuriate in my escape from certain death and plot my revenge against those who’d wronged me. I had almost two years of resentment to work through, and as a Class 4-A Executive Assistant (Probationary), I finally had some leverage over the Class 5s in Human Resources. I spent hours staring dreamily into space, rehearsing all the ways I could make them suffer, until Amira asked why I was smiling so much. I told her I was excited about my promotion, which was true—Iwasexcited about my promotion, and the awful things it would allow me to do.
Early on Monday morning, one week almost to the hour after Ms.Kettering had handed down her chilling ultimatum, the louddingof an incoming text jolted me out of a pleasant dream in which I was methodically extracting all of Sunil’s resources while he begged for mercy. The text was from Ms.Crenshaw, asking that she have her Starbucks order in her hand no later than nine a.m. Panicked, I rushed downtown and barely managed to present my new boss with her triple-shot no-foam soy mocha on time. When I didso, she glanced up from behind her desk and said by way of greeting, “I need you to reorganize my calendar. My briefing with the director of Client Services has been pushed up to one o’clock, so you’ll have to move things around.”
“Yes, ma’am,” I murmured before scurrying away. The waiting room outside her office was small, though tastefully appointed, and my new desk sat to the left of her door. I had no idea who her last assistant had been, but no traces of them remained after their fortuitous implosion. Logging into the computer, I rather helplessly clicked my way around the overly complicated calendar software for the better part of an hour. By the time I’d finished reorganizing her day, I felt like I’d scaled mountains rather than made a small adjustment to my boss’s calendar.
I only had a few minutes to bask in my unwarranted sense of accomplishment before Ms.Crenshaw sent me down to Personnel with a sealed envelope for the company’s remediation team. Trying not to think about the fact that the envelope in my hand likely contained the names of employees facing early retirement, nor that my name had almost been one of them, I stepped into the elevator and pressed the button for the fourth floor. Moments later, the overhead lights flickered out for a moment before winking back on with a soft buzz.
Hello, Colin.
I screamed a little and huddled back into the corner as a thin finger delicately pressed theEMERGENCY STOPbutton, causing the elevator to shudder to a halt. Slowly, a towering, emaciated figure turned to face me, dressed exactly as it had been when it pulled itself from under my bed. It folded its too-long hands together and tilted its body toward me in a solicitous manner.I hope you’re well?it inquired politely.
I tried to speak, but my throat was as dry as sand. Swallowing convulsively, I wheezed, “I’m great.”
