Page 15 of Love and Defects 1
Dr. Clancy nodded. “We’ll stop there then,” she said. “But I want to do this exercise with you before you leave today, okay?” I blew out a soft breath. Sometimes, her exercises drained everything out of me, but they helped. Even if I felt close to death afterward sometimes.
“Close your eyes, Sterling.” I did as she instructed. “It’s going to hurt,” I grunted, “but I want you to go back to that day in your mind—to the part you can’t tell me about.” I tensed, my stomach churning. But I trusted her, so I did as she asked. “I want you to wrap your younger self in your arms and hold him as he’s being hurt. I want you to make sure he’s not alone. It won’t make the pain go away, but it’ll make it bearable.”
Hot tears slid down my cheeks as I wrapped the younger version of me in my arms and held him as he was violated and raped. As he bled on his racecar bedsheets. As he screamed and begged for them to stop.
And fuck, I cried with him. Because no little boy—no human being on the fucking earth—should have to go through what he did. What we did.
When I opened my eyes, Dr. Clancy was watching me with a proud look on her face. “You okay?”
I nodded and swiped at my cheeks. “I think I’ve had enough for today,” I rasped.
She tore off a script from her prescription pad and handed it to me. I folded it and stuck it in my pocket. “Start those tonight,” she ordered. “And try to take them at the same time.”
“I will.” I stood. “Thank you for seeing me.”
“Thank you for coming to me, Sterling. That takes real strength.”
I nodded and left. After dropping off my prescription at the pharmacy on campus, I walked a few laps around the building, waiting for it to be filled, too worked up to sit still. And once I’d gone through the new medication consultation with the pharmacist on staff and had my pills in my pocket, I parked my car in the parking garage and began the walk to the hockey arena.
Graham would be at practice, and while I knew he couldn’t actually be with me, I could still be close to him. And right then, I needed Graham any way I could have him.
Graham
I pushed the puck across the ice to Dash, who quickly sent it sailing into the net. Coach blew his whistle, shouting something at our defense.
“Hey, your boy is here,” Collin said as he skated past me.
Immediately, I looked up into the bleachers, and sure enough, Sterling was sitting right behind the plexiglass, his hood pulled up on his jacket. His head was bent forward, no doubt asleep. My heart ached for him. I knew today wasn’t a good day for him, and I wanted nothing more than to say fuck practice and take him back to our dorm so I could cuddle in bed with him.
But then he’d be angry with me for skipping out on practice. And I couldn’t stand it when Sterling was upset with me. It felt like the world was ending when he was.
“Graham!” Coach barked. I wanted to bare my teeth at him for yelling when my boyfriend was finally getting some fucking rest, but I bit back my anger. “Focus,” he snapped at me.
I nodded once. “Sorry, Coach.” I quickly got into position to begin the next drill, forcing myself to focus on practice and block out everything else, even if it wasn’t easy. But if I wanted to give Sterling the future he deserved, then I needed to put my all into this sport.
Even if it made me feel like I was neglecting him in the process.
Darren didn’t say a word to me at all during practice except for plays and to get my attention, but only when it was absolutely necessary. I also knew he’d spotted Sterling, but he’d just quickly looked away, not saying a word on that either.
Maybe Mr. Hardison finally put the fear of God into that asshole.
I quickly showered and changed, probably the fastest I ever had in my life, and then rushed out of the locker room to go wake up Sterling. I’d come up with an idea during practice, and I was hoping he’d like it. It would be cold, but it would also be dark and peaceful, which I knew Sterling craved. Especially after last night. I had no doubt he’d been trapped in a bright ass room in that violent memory.
Too much light really bothered him now because of it. It was a miracle he ever came into the arena to watch me practice or to see any of my games. On his really bad days, he wore shades in the arena. One of the guys had made fun of him once, but when I knocked his ass down on the ice for it, he didn’t make that mistake again.
I set my gym bag down and gently shook Sterling’s shoulder. He groaned and swatted at me, making me chuckle. God, he was so fucking adorable. “Sterling, come on. Practice is over,” I told him.
He slowly cracked open one eye. “It’s already that late?” he muttered.
I nodded. “Come on. Get up. Let’s go for a drive.”
He slowly sat up and stretched before standing to his feet. I picked up my bag, and Sterling grabbed my other hand in his, linking our fingers together. “How did therapy go?” I asked him.
He shrugged. “It was therapy.” That was Sterling’s code for: it wasn’t miserable but it sucked. “I told her about my flashback, and we kind of worked through part of it. I’m also trying a new med.” He blew out a soft breath, his hand tightening around me. “I asked for it this time.”
I knew how bad it had to be if Sterling willingly asked to try another medication. And I hated that I couldn’t take away all the horror that had happened to him and make it my own. I hated it with a fucking passion because I couldn’t stand the knowledge that my boyfriend was suffering.
Trauma was a fucking bitch. And I wished the man who did this to him was dead. I wished it with every fiber of my being.
