Page 89 of Ice Darling
“It was a gift from Gordie,” I admit. “For Christmas. And you know the worst part?”
“I’m afraid to ask.”
“They’re a size too small.”
“Oh no.” She laughs again.
Adrenaline pumps through my veins. It’s like I commandeered the puck from a particularly aggressive winger, like I climbed a mountain. Cordelia is rarely this carefree. I love hearing her laugh, and I especially love making her laugh.
“That can’t count.” She shakes her head.
“What do you mean? I’d hate for this to get out.”
“Tell me arealsecret. And maybe I’ll consider sharing mine.”
I consider it, driving quietly before I admit, “It was hard for me, coming back to town after my divorce.”
Cordelia settles into her chair, giving me room.
“I didn’t have a job lined up yet. Had to quit playing hockey for the team I was signed with. And I didn’t know how to raise a baby on my own. It felt like I’d crawled back to Lucky Falls with the word ‘failure’ painted on my forehead.”
“How did you handle it?”
“Moving back to Lucky Falls?”
“Getting divorced?”
“It ended amicably, but it was still a blow.” I choose my words carefully. “I proposed to someone I loved. I had already imagined a future with her, and I felt lost when that future disappeared from sight. Suddenly, I had to rebuild. And fast. Because I had a baby who depended on me.”
“I’m sorry,” Cordelia says.
“It’s okay. I wouldn’t trade Gordie for anything. It all happened the way it was supposed to.”
“I’ve been wondering…about Gordie’s mother and why she’s not…around.” Cordelia quickly adds, “You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to.”
“I want to,” I admit softly.
Cordelia looks at me, touched.
And it feels like I crossed another line while trying to avoid it altogether.
“I mean, if you want to hear.”
“Of course, I do,” she says. “I’m just surprised that you’d want to confide in me.”
It doesn’t make sense to me either, but I…feel more at ease with her than with other women. Actually, it goes beyond ease. Some part of me wants to shake all my secrets out at this woman’s feet and have her touch the most hidden parts of me. I want to know her. I want her to know me.
I haven’t felt that way about anyone ever.
“I’ve always wanted a family,” I explain. “I grew up an only child, and it was tough not having a big family in a town like Lucky Falls. I was so jealous of my friends who had hundreds of cousins.”
I flick the indicator and merge into another lane. “I swore that, in the future, I’d have lots of kids and close in-laws. I wanted to host family barbecues and wreak chaos at family game night. I pictured huge birthday parties for my kids and Christmas at my in-laws. I wanted our families to fill the house, you know?”
I can feel that her attention is locked on me, and she’s accepting every word from my mouth.
“When I met Gordie’s mom, she wasn’t as enthusiastic about kids as I was. We aligned in every other one of our values, and she said she was open to changing her mind, so I convinced myself that she’d eventually see things my way. And then she got pregnant, and that kind of…cemented her initial thoughts.”
“I’m sorry,” Cordelia whispers.
